


Acquiescence

by phantasmical



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Adventure?, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Fluff and Smut, BDSM, Canon Related, Don't Like Don't Read, Don't know how this ends, Dragon Age Spoilers, Emotions, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friendship, Healthy Relationships, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, I'm Bad At Titles, Light Angst, Mild Language, Modern Girl in Thedas, Multiple Pairings, Original Character(s), POV Multiple, POV Original Character, Playlist, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Sex, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, SmuttySmutSmut, Some Action, Spoilers, TAG ALL THE THINGS, Teasing, relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2017-11-18
Packaged: 2018-03-15 12:20:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 50,672
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3446984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantasmical/pseuds/phantasmical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>**DISCLAIMER: This story is currently under edit. Chapters 1-6 are completed. The rest is still under construction.**</b><br/>Ash was having the strangest dream. It was definitely lucid but, curiously, nothing appeared to be happening. She wasn't moving, just sort of...floating. Usually her dreams had some sort of point or psychological revelation to them, but in this one, the only thing she was aware of was a rather curious feeling of being weightless. Like the feeling you get for a brief moment when a roller-coaster does a steep drop, but this was lingering. She wasn’t complaining necessarily; it wasn’t a bad feeling. She simply wasn't convinced her subconscious was actually this dull. To experiment, she opened her dream-eyes slowly. She saw dim candle light bouncing off stone walls and a figure seated at a desk, nose in a book. As her gaze focused on the figure, it turned to look at her. She laughed suddenly in disbelief. She had to stop playing that game. It was in her dreams now.</p><p>"Solas?" she asked the figure incredulously.<br/>Turns out, it wasn't a dream.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dreams Are Made of This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so first fanfic in a loooooooonng time. Take it easy on me? Also, I tried my best writing the dialogue how I thought they would sound. Feedback appreciated, though not entirely necessary.  
> I'm starting this in Skyhold, because I feel like if I started in Haven, most of the focus would be on Lavellan coming into her own character and I didn't want to cheat the story by focusing on my character, if that makes sense.  
> For right now, the story will be from the OC's POV, but I may write a chapter or two down the line from someone else's. I'm leaving that option open for myself. If that's the case, I'll let the readers know beforehand.

_**Prologue:**_

_Ash was having the strangest dream. It was definitely lucid but nothing appeared to be happening. Usually her dreams had a point to them, but in this one, the only thing she was aware of was a rather curious feeling of being weightless. Somewhat like the feeling you get for a brief moment when a roller-coaster does a steep drop, but lingering. She wasn’t complaining; it wasn’t a bad feeling. She wasn't convinced her subconscious was this dull. To experiment, she opened her dream-eyes slowly. She saw dim candle light and a figure seated at a desk. As her gaze focused on the figure, it turned to look at her. She laughed slightly in disbelief.  
_

_“Solas?” she asked her sub-conscious. Solas started, tensed, and then looked straight at her, eyes narrowed. She needed to stop playing that game—having dreams about it was a new level that she didn’t want to experience. She closed her eyes again and went back to the weightless feeling, smiling. "Okay then," she muttered. "Nope. Bye Solas."_

  


* * *

  


She felt something tugging at her, insistent. She just wanted to sleep, dammit. Enjoy the weird floaty space. Her real and dream faces twisted into a frown. "Go away," she murmured.

She thought she heard something then. A woman's short laugh? Then, it said something, echoing in the darkness around her. _What?_

“I think she’s waking up,” she heard a voice call from somewhere to her left. _Did I leave the T.V. on again?_ She yawned and stretched a little and thought about her habits and their impact on her electric bill and blinked her eyes open. _Weird, is that...candlelight?_ They came into focus on a woman with blood red hair and icy mint-green eyes staring straight at her. She saw the deep green tree-like tattoo fanning across the woman’s forehead and down her nose and the splatter of freckles on her face. She jolted up and backwards into an arm of a very unforgiving couch. _Holy fuck._

“Are you alright?” the woman asked her. She stared at her, frozen. _No. Nononono. Shit. What._ There wasn’t any way this could be real. She had to still be dreaming. She gaped, her heart hammering a nervous rhythm. They stood there, actually there, in front of her. In the flesh. _No._

“She looks like she’s seen a ghost,” another all too familiar voice said followed by an all too familiar chuckle. 

The woman's hand stretched towards her and a shock shot through her, adrenaline pumping through her system with a snap. She bolted. She knew this round room, knew the paintings that were on the walls. She ran through the heavy wooden door that she knew led through the kitchens and out. Out—she had to get out, wake up. She hurled open door after door until she met sunlight.

“Bull! Grab her!” a woman's voice yelled from behind her, panicked. She ran faster, surrendering to the adrenaline, letting her feet carry her mindlessly. Dimly, she recognized people, so many people, moving hastily out of her way, some shouting. She kept going, to the bridge and then...she froze. The mountains... She fell to her knees, staring. She shook her head trying to clear it, slapped herself once, twice. The image of the mountains still stared back at her, resolute and all too real. _Fuck, shit, fuck. How the fuck..._ She wracked her brain, trying to figure out what was going on. She was hallucinating, right? Lucid dreaming? She had fallen asleep on her couch after going out and having too many drinks. It had been a rough week at the bakery. She had fought with her parents. Her friends cheered her up. Elle's and Mark's faces flashed in front of her. They were real. That was real. This _wasn't._ This couldn't... She started crying.

She didn't hear him approach at first. But a shadow blocked the path in front of her. She swallowed, looked up at his face. _Holy shit._ The Iron Bull stood there, looking down at her, hands at his sides, and frowning. The game didn't do him justice. He was _massive_ , a solid block of muscle. She noticed the worn, cracked lines in his horns, the scars littering his body, the dark stubble on his chin. He was absolutely rugged and she had no doubt he could crush her with a finger. She shook, trying not to hyperventilate. He crouched down to her level and placed a large hand on her shoulder. It brushed against her neck. She tensed, everything in her screaming. The hand was gentle, it was _warm_. Solid. It contrasted the suddenly cold air. It was real. He was _real_.

"Easy," he said, low. His voice was a rumble, deep and smooth. She started shaking harder, breath coming in shallow gasps. "Easy," he repeated. "Not gonna hurt you." They sat there, his hand on her shoulder, in silence for what felt like hours. He never moved, never once said anything, just let her calm her breathing. Finally, she looked back up at him, wide-eyed. He smiled a small, reassuring smile. "There ya go," he murmured. "How about you come back inside? Don't think you wanna go out there," he gestured to the icy mountains behind him with his head, "dressed like that." His question was not a request, she knew. She nodded, mutely, looking back down at the stone bridge beneath her. He grabbed her arm, helping her to her feet. His hand on her arm was firm, not enough to hurt but enough that she knew she couldn't argue. He grunted as she shivered. "You ok to walk?" he asked. She shrugged her shoulders desperately. She felt wobbly, legs like jelly. "Ok," he said. "I can carry you back, that ok with you?" She looked at his face. It was neutral, but not unkind. She nodded again.

He bent and put one arm around her hips, lifted her to his side easily, without making a noise. He adjusted her so that she was more or less sitting in the crook of his arm. _Fuck._ She clutched at his shoulder. The Iron Bull started to walk.

She closed her eyes firmly for most of it. She was trying to process all this information. Iron Bull didn't speak. She focused on how warm he felt and she focused on breathing normally.

“What’s going on?” another voice asked, close. She winced. _Nope._

“Nothing to worry about Blackwall. Got it under control,” Iron Bull answered. He didn't stop walking.

She heard Blackwall grunt. “Who--?” he asked. “Is everything alright?”

“Dunno. Runaway? Apostate? Just a bit spooked,” Iron Bull said. “Boss wants to talk.”

“Alright then,” Blackwall answered, his voice sounding further away. She assumed they had gone past him. She also assumed that they were close to the goal. She felt tears prickling at her eyes again. This couldn’t be happening. She didn’t want to really be here. She was dreaming. She had to be. She heard the doors opening, opened her eyes and recognized the paintings and candlelight. She was let down onto her feet slowly. She registered the absence of body heat which she took to mean Iron Bull had backed off. She stared at the floor, not wanting to look up, not wanting to see them. It was deathly quiet.

“She okay?” that familiar voice asked, sounded genuinely concerned.

“Yeah, she froze up when she got to the bridge though,” Bull said. “Think it scared her.” She heard footsteps and a broad, gloved hand grabbed hers carefully.

“Hey, Sunshine? You alright?” the voice said and Varric’s head ducked to peer at hers. She met his warm golden eyes. He was frowning, obvious concern in his face. That was it. The literal straw that broke the camel’s back. She couldn’t stop the tears that spilled and she started shaking her head. _No. No. Nononononono. **NO!**_ At that, there was a sound like a gunshot and Varric’s hand was ripped away from hers. She heard something crash into another something and the sound of papers and books spilling in the air and on the floor. She then heard Varric groan.

“Well, shit,” he said, strained. “You could have just told me to fuck off.”

Her head snapped up. Varric was on the floor, rubbing the back of his head and wincing, his back against Solas’s desk which was similarly askew. It looked like he had been hurled through the air only to meet the desk. She stared. “I didn’t do that,” she whispered, too soft to be heard. A hand clasped her shoulder firmly and she was suddenly face-to-face with Solas. She noticed how clenched his jaw was before she looked away, doing everything she could to avoid eye contact. _Fuck, it's Solas. Fucking SOLAS._ She tried not to explore that line of thought.

“Calm yourself,” he said to her, his voice every bit as rich and warm as it was in the game. She took a deep breath in. “We are not Templars.” He was steadily leading her back to the couch she had woken up on and she marveled at the strength she could feel in him. How could anyone think he was unassuming? She sat on the couch reflexively. She glanced around the room. It was her, Solas, Iron Bull, Varric, and the Inquisitor…her Inquisitor Syana Lavellan. She stared at her, again not believing her eyes in spite of everything. She took in her blood red hair, the pine green lines of Mythal's vallaslin, the delicate dusting of freckles. She was so...pretty, beautiful. She was slender and willowy, but there was a deadly grace to her posture, a hardness lurking in her bright eyes. She looked back to the companions, taking them in. Varric was everything she thought, his face charming and broad. Warm golden eyes were watching her, his dirty blond hair pulled back away from his face. His body was brick-like and she noticed his well-muscled arms, his chest with all of its glorious hair. He was wearing his trade-mark Highever Weave tunic and she could see intricate embroidered details on the edges. She swallowed, mouth dry.

Ash made a point not to look at Solas, afraid of what he would see on her face. Afraid of what any of them would see if she looked at Solas. Especially Iron Bull. But she did notice that all of their faces looked worried and on the defensive--guarded. Only Varric’s face held any kindness.

“We won’t hurt you,” the Inquisitor said slowly and unlike in the 3rd game, she had the lilting Irish-like accent of the Dalish from previous games. “Apostates are welcomed to help…generally speaking.”

Ash frowned, shaking her head again. “No,” she said and once again looked at the ground. Maybe if she stared at it long enough, she could pretend the rest of it didn’t exist. Lavellan’s brows furrowed further. She opened her mouth to say something but was cut off.

“Is all this bravado really necessary?” another male voice asked, calling from another stairwell. Ash watched as Dorian came through the door that must lead to the library. He was immaculate and confidence exuded from him as he walked closer.

“Dorian, it’s—“ Syana Lavellan was cut off once more before she felt a hand under her chin, gently raising her face. Ash's eyes snapped to his chocolate brown ones-- warm, kind, and worried.

“Will you lot stop this nonsense?” Dorian said, releasing her face and turning to face the room. “The poor girl’s in shock. She needs a blanket and quiet not…this.” He waved a hand.

“We do not know if she—“Solas began.

“If she _what_ Solas? Is a spy? An assassin?” he scoffed. “Yes, she’ll give us empty stares until we all die. What a story that would make! The mighty Inquisition brought to pieces by one crying, shaking girl.” She realized she was watching Dorian as he spoke; his words were relaxing her somehow, slowing down her crying.

“Dorian—“Syana started.

“No,” Dorian said waving a hand again. “The way I see it, there is a shivering, confused girl surrounded by strange men who keep asking her questions and touching her. These same men also don’t seem to be allowing her to leave. She obviously has no idea what is going on so will you _please_. You’re practically torturing her.”

“We haven’t done anything Dorian. We’re trying to--,” Syana said indignantly. She huffed. “She’s the one who literally came out of nowhere. Then, she woke up, saw us, and bolted.”

“Nothing but berate her ceaselessly when I’m quite certain she doesn’t know where she is,” Dorian countered.

“How would you possibly know that?” Solas demanded. _My dream. Did I actually call out to Solas?_ Her eyes widened.

Dorian huffed…loudly. “I’m sorry, was that a serious question? _Look_ at her for Andraste’s sake Solas!”

“I see an apostate who landed in the middle of my study unannounced,” Solas responded, voice smooth. “We have no idea where she came from or why she is here. We all have questions.”

“This coming from our resident apostate?” Dorian said. “Don’t tell me the position is exclusive. We have to alert the rebel mages.”

“Sparkler’s right,” Varric said. “I’ve seen scared and I’ve seen assassins. You can’t fake that.” He nodded his head towards her on the last word. As she looked at Varric’s face, she could see the same genuine worry as before. His brows were creased together.

“Boss,” Bull said. He was leaning against the far wall, near a door, arms crossed. “Even if she is an apostate, she’s confused. Confused and scared. I really don’t think she came here on purpose.” Ash looked at him, but couldn't read his face.

Syana sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She seemed to deflate with the action. Dorian removed his cloak and then Ash felt him carefully drape it around her shoulders. She looked into his face.

“Thank you,” she whispered. Dorian smiled at her encouragingly, the corners of his eyes crinkling kindly.

“I think there’s a couple empty rooms on the battlements. She could stay in one for now. Get some sleep, some air,” Iron Bull offered, shrugging his shoulders.

"Would it not be prudent to have her under watch?" Solas asked, eyes narrowed. "Somewhere inside the keep?" Dorian rolled his eyes and Varric rubbed the back of his neck. Ash stiffened. Solas had definitely heard her then. _Shit. Fen'hafuckingrel is suspicious of me. Great. Awesome. Hurray._

Syana looked at Ash again. She smiled a little at her—one corner of her lip lifting. Lavellan's face had softened. “Yes, we'll place a guard but...” Syana said. “Dorian? Varric? Would you mind helping her there? I’ll send for a healer for a sleeping draught.” She stepped closer and Ash had to crane her neck to look at her face. Syana held out a delicate hand. “I’m sorry for scaring you,” she said. “I’m Syana. Can I ask your name?”

Ash hesitated, opening and closing her mouth to test if she could make a sound. “Ash,” she said and grasped her hand. Lavellan helped her up off the couch. Ash clutched Dorian’s cloak to her body. It was lined with some sort of fur and smelled like cinnamon and musk. Dorian wrapped an arm around her shoulders ever so carefully.

“Now then,” he said. “A bed and some food will do wonders!” He started herding her towards the same door she had run through earlier, Varric following behind.

  


* * *

  


“You know, you’re amazingly lucky our apostate hobo found you and not Cassandra,” Dorian said as they climbed what was hopefully the last set of stone stairs. The feeling of strange eyes staring at her was making her even jumpier than she had been. “That woman probably wouldn’t take kindly to you, considering. Well that and, she was gifted with all the grace and tact of a bronto.” Varric snorted.

“Don’t let her hear you say that,” Varric said.

“I fully plan on keeping her on my good side,” Dorian responded. “The one that's between me and the not-so-friendly people with pointy sticks.”

Ash smiled a little to herself. Her panic was thankfully starting to wane. She figured she had exhausted all adrenaline responses: Fight, flight, and freeze. It was being steadily replaced with exhaustion and slight despair. She sighed in relief when they stopped in front of a door. Dorian held it open for her with a flourish and she stepped gratefully inside. There was a bed, yes. But the rest was somewhat…destroyed. Stones and plants and dirt littered everything. There were a few wooden beams scattered about and the ruins of what was once furniture to match. 

“Well, this is abysmal,” Dorian sighed. He and Varric set to moving the rubble to the walls to clear the floor a bit. Ash sat on the bed, not knowing what to do. She brushed some of the dust and dirt away. She clutched Dorian's cloak to her tighter, shivering from the cold of the room. It was then that it finally dawned on her that she was in her pajamas. _Oh_. She was only wearing a thin, plaid, cotton pajama gown, with no socks and no bra. Thankfully, it was a bit over-sized (she liked comfort) and reached her knees, but she still blushed slightly from embarrassment. Dorian was moving pieces of wood into a pile which he then set on fire with a flick of his wrist. Ash got off the bed and moved closer to the warmth.

“Is that better?” Dorian asked, suddenly standing beside her. She looked at him and smiled slightly.

“Yes, thank you,” she said quietly. She hesitated a moment, but then sat down on the floor, holding her hands out to the fire. Dorian followed soon enough, as did Varric. Ash began to relax almost despite herself.

“So,” Varric said. “Have any idea how you got here?”

“No,” Ash said, looking at him. One of his eyebrows went up skeptically when she spoke. She sighed. “I—was sleeping, having a strange dream and when I woke up, I was here.” She stopped herself from mentioning that this couldn’t be possible and hugged her legs to herself.

“Do you know where here is?” Dorian asked.

Ash shook her head. She wanted to try and play it safe, for now. Not reveal that she knew anything. But, if she was pretending she wasn't…well, that this wasn't a damn video game... “The Inquisition?” she asked tentatively.

Dorian grinned. “So you might not have hit your head that hard. That’s good!”

She smiled a little, again. She didn't know if Dorian was aware, but smiling around him was easy. He made it easy to relax without even seeming to try that hard. She caught her eyelids drooping; she blinked furiously. Varric noticed. “Well, I think me and Sparkles here should let you sleep,” Varric said standing. “Whatever you've been through...you look like you need it.”

Dorian stood and Ash did as well; she began walking towards the bed. They said a brief goodbye and told her not to worry as she curled up and began to drift. She was so tired. All of her earlier adrenaline and stress had left her empty. She knew she should think, none of this made any sense, but her eyes were too heavy and none of her thoughts were making any sense either. After a while of struggling, her eyes finally closed completely and she let the peace that sleep brought wash through her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't be too harsh on me. As for what I'm thinking, I don't quite know all the way. I may make Ash into the female Trevelyan, but only if I think I can get away with that. I don't want it to be forced. Same goes for the romance.  
> Also, as far as character reactions go, I feel like they would have freaked out a little, but considering that the circumstances were less dire than when they found the Inquisitor, I don't think the characters would be too angry. I also think that they would likely not want to hurt such a wet blanket and that they aren't Cassandra (though I luv her). On that, I promise Ash will become less wet blanket-y. I just figure that if that happened in real life, it wouldn't be too fun (as much as we think it would be). I wanted to write what I thought would be realistic feelings of 'oh shit.'


	2. Comfort is Only Yours to Give

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ash is alone with her thoughts for a few breaths. She keeps trying.  
> Also, Cole.  
> Not much action, just getting the ball rolling a bit more on who Ash is.
> 
> *I don't own anything. All credit to BioWare. Aside from Ash and Syana*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2!  
> I wrote it fast because you guys seemed to like the first chapter.  
> Feedback is again, appreciated, but not necessarily necessary. <3

**Iron Bull's POV**

  


"So, everyone," she said, leaning against the table. Boss was all business. She had asked us all to meet to talk about what we thought about the woman that had literally popped out of thin air. She was keeping it quiet though, aside from Red, it was only who had actually seen the woman. I looked around, took everyone in out of habit. Solas, Varric, Dorian, and Red stood around the table silently, waiting for Boss to finish speaking. Solas and Red did not look happy. I grunted. Red always looked unhappy, but something was off about Solas's reaction to her. "We have yet another apostate," Boss continued. "Solas, care to chime in?"

Solas folded his hands behind his back in that way of his. The way that always made him look like a smug bastard. "There was no sign," he said. "I looked up and she was simply on my sofa." He shook his head. "I do not understand it. Such magic would require a substantial amount of power, yet I felt nothing." I had to fight a smirk. See, you _don't_ know everything. Not that he would ever admit that. 

"Nothing?" Red asked. "Are we sure she is even human, then? I mean no offense Inquisitor, but are you sure we are not dealing with another...whatever it is that Cole is?" The kid wasn't paying attention. He was sitting on top of the table, facing away towards a window because he's weird and makes no sense half the time. 

Solas shook his head again. "I do not believe so. I should have been able to sense something if that were the case." He paused, obviously considering something. "There is...one other thing to mention." He was frowning. "She...called out to me," he said. I raised an eyebrow. That is not what I expected. "By name," Solas continued. "I did not believe it at first, but yet she did. Twice."

"Well this complicates things, doesn't it?" Dorian said. He looked upset. Figures. Pretty sure he was the only one that had believed her, even a little. Outside he was all bluster; he had a heart buried beneath all that peacocking. No one said anything else for a minute and I thought. That explained some things. Thought maybe I had messed up, but that woman was looking at us like she recognized us. I thought about the look of disbelief she had when she woke up and saw Boss. It had been intense, raw, too much for waking up and seeing a stranger. No, she knew us somehow. Knew us and couldn't believe her eyes. And that didn't make any damn sense.

"She knows us, I think," I said. "The way she was looking at us wasn't how people look at strangers." She hadn't even flinched when she saw me, and _that_ was weird. "I don't know how though."

"A spy?" Red asked.

"Nah," I said. "She was terrified. She acted like a cornered animal." I remember how her face had looked when she was kneeling on the bridge. A piece of me ached at it. _That_ wasn't a spy. "It was desperate. I really don't think she wants to be here."

"That explains nothing," Solas said. I rolled my eye, knowing he couldn't see it. Ass. 

"I have to agree with Tiny," Varric said. "She's scared as shit. Still doesn't make any damn sense. But..." he sighed. Softie. "She passed out cold right after Sparkler and I took her to that room. If she's a spy, she's a real shitty one."

The Inquisitor fiddled with the end of her braid--her cute habit when she was thinking or nervous or unsure. "I want to believe that, but the way she looked at me..." Boss trailed off. 

"Perhaps we simply need more information, no?" Red said. "We can easily keep her under watch until we get it." I didn't like how she sounded. 

Dorian scoffed. "I don't think we need to frighten the poor thing anymore," he said. 

"She's very frightened," Cole said suddenly. "Her thoughts are loud, hurting. Even when she sleeps." He didn't elaborate, because of course he didn't. That would be too easy.

"Then what would you suggest?" Solas asked, his eyes were narrowed in thought. Yeah, something was off. He was _worried_. I kept my face neutral.

Kid didn't answer though. He was gone. I cursed quietly. I hate when he does that. Looked like Boss felt the same way. "Bull?" she said.

I grunted. "Well," I said. "I don't think she's dangerous. Bet you anything. She's too open, not in control of her emotions. At all." I read her like a book. She had been acting on raw self-preservation instinct. "Why not just keep her around us for a bit? See what we can find out that way. Just talk to her. Pretty sure we'll learn plenty."

Boss tilted her head. "Mm," she said. "I think that would be best. I agree that she looked terrified and I don't think I could stomach adding to that." She sighed. "Really hoping this doesn't bite me in the ass. Don't need to deal with any more problems at the moment."

I laughed. "Why don't we just take her to get some food?" I asked. "And _drinks._ " Easiest way to go about getting answers from someone: get them drunk.

"Slightly morally questionable," Dorian said. "But otherwise harmless."

Boss laughed quick and sarcastic. "Morally questionable it is then," Boss said. "Again, really hoping this doesn't bite me in the ass."

  


  


** Ash's POV **

  


The first thing Ash became aware of was a sense of warmth. This was before she remembered. She shuffled on the bed, curling tighter into a ball and clutching the cloak for dear life, afraid to open her eyes. When Dorian and Varric left her, a small part of her held on to the hope that if she fell asleep here, she would wake in her apartment to find it really had all been a dream. The musty smell told her otherwise. She could hear her breathing and the crackle of the fire. She opened her eyes cautiously. She was alone. Carefully, she arranged herself into a sitting position and let her feet dangle from the edge of the bed. She took a long breath, held it for a couple heartbeats, and then slowly let it flow from her body. She had to focus on calming down.

Ash looked around from her spot on the bed--yup, the room looked the same. Though the light that had filtered in from the holes in the roof had turned an orangish color. How long had she been out? She shook her head, that didn't matter. She pushed the wavy strands of dark brown hair out of her face. _Let's figure this out_. She had been asleep, had the roller-coaster, floating, dream, and then as far as she knew-- _poof_ / **bam!** Welcome to Inquisition! Welcome to a video game reality. She scratched at the bed of one of her nails, a nervous habit. She frowned. _How the flaming hell?_ She felt a headache creeping on her temples.

She took inventory of the previous day's events. She had gone grocery shopping, filled her car with gas, and spent all day on her couch, really. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened last night either. She had gone drinking with a few of her friends, to blow off steam after a rough week. Got a taxi back to her apartment. Read a little bit before changing into pajamas and falling asleep. Had she fed her cat? Oh god, her cat. Ash groaned, tears once again threatening to spill. She shook her head. No, Athena would be okay, she told herself. Her friend Elle would probably go by her apartment sometime within the next couple days, especially if she wasn't answering her phone. Elle wasn't one to let not answering texts slide. _Shit_. The tears she was holding back spilled on the thought of Elle. Would she ever see her again? See any of them again? Her parents' faces flashed before her eyes. Ash hugged herself. She had fought with them last...would those words be the last she ever said to them? God, she wanted to go home. What was she supposed to do here? More importantly, how was she supposed to act around _them_? She knew all the events that would likely happen. She frowned. She beat the game; she knew all the characters and all their secrets. Ash gnawed her lip. They probably wouldn't believe her. She remembered how Solas had been looking at her and she grimaced. He was already suspicious. She cursed the fact that he had heard her say his name when she thought she was dreaming. She only hoped he would keep that little factoid to himself.

Ash got off the bed, wincing slightly at the coldness of the stone beneath her bare feet. She walked back towards the fire and sat down in front of it once again, hugging her knees to her chest. She stared into the flames, sighing. There was nothing she could do. She didn't know how to get home, much less how she got here in the first place. She switched to debating on what she should tell everyone, how much she should pretend. That was all dependent on which world state this was. Syana, her main Inquisitor, was here, but was everything else the same? She tried to remember the details. If it's Syana...Alistair should be king. She shook her head. She would need to figure that out later. For now, she decided, it was probably best to pretend she was an apostate like they said. Right, somehow she ended up being a mage? She didn't want to think about that right now. Hell, maybe she could claim memory loss. Her circumstances were probably mysterious enough for that to work. At least everyone but Solas seemed to be inclined to be kind to her. By some miracle. _Focus on the positives_. She wasn't in one of Skyhold's prison cells, thankfully. She also had ended up at Skyhold and not some random other Thedas-place. Okay, she could do this. Maybe. 

Ash stood, brushing off the backs of her legs. She stared at her pink and grey plaid pajama gown, frowning again. What was she supposed to do about clothes? She didn't much want to head back out into the grounds of Skyhold, even with Dorian's cloak wrapped around her. It was then that a thought occurred to her. She walked quietly to the door she had come in through, opening it carefully. Sure enough, there was the Inquisition soldier Syana mentioned posted outside her door. The soldier's spine snapped straight as Ash opened the door. Their eyes met. The soldier looked wary. Ash smiled a small, tentative smile.

"Hello," Ash said. "Um...i-is there anyway you could send someone for clothes?"

The soldier eyed her. "I'm supposed to stay here," she said. _That doesn't answer my question_.

Ash bit her lip. "I won't leave," she pleaded. "I swear. I'm cold and I don't want to be seen like this." She threw a hand down in a sweeping gesture. Her eyes were almost desperate.

The soldier looked at her for an eternity, eyes narrowed. "Fine," she finally said. "I'll fetch someone. _Don't_ leave this room."

"Scout's honor," Ash said, before she could stop herself. The soldier narrowed her eyes again, but then shook her head and walked off.

Ash quietly closed the door and walked back to the fire, sitting once again. This time she didn't hug her knees, but instead let her legs stretch out in front of her. She closed her eyes, soaking in the silence and the warmth. Flipping out wasn't getting her anywhere, obviously. All she could do, for now, was wait and hope that nothing and no-one decided she was a threat.

"Thoughts skitter around and around like mice afraid in the dark. Hiding from the cat they can't see but know," a soft voice said suddenly from in front of her. Ash jumped and opened her eyes, heartbeat immediately beating a frantic rhythm. Her eyes fell on a wide brimmed hat that obscured a face seemingly staring into the fire across from her. _Cole._ She hadn't heard him come in. She shivered. His head snapped up suddenly, wide blue eyes meeting hers. God, he was pale. "Hello," he said as if in answer. _How much of me can he read? Shit._ She had forgotten about Cole. 

"You're frightened," he said.

Ash opened her mouth, then closed it again. She nodded, watching him. He wasn't breaking eye contact. Playing the game back home, she had never realized how unnerving Cole's stare could be.

"Don't be," he told her. "Your thoughts are safe."

She stared dumbly. Ash hadn't been expecting him to just pop up like that. His...gift would make keeping her secrets difficult.

"You're...different," Cole said slowly, as if thinking. "A lonely piece from a missing puzzle. A puzzle that isn't." His eyes started to glaze over. _Oh...oh no._ She looked around, pleading that there was no one near the room.

When he spoke next, his voice was a lull, smooth and fast like water flowing over rocks in a creek. "A candle flickering dimly, defiantly, daring the wind. They can't know they can't. Desperate, reaching for home...for something familiar. Wondering, wandering, wishing, while willing whispering lungs to breathe. Like drowning on air. Too much, no, it's too much..."

Ash clapped her hands over her ears to block out Cole's voice. She squinted her eyes shut tight. Cole was definitely going to take some getting used to. She was too stunned with what he was saying to ask him to stop. Each word stabbed at her like a knife, she could feel it twist deep inside her. A warm hand cupped her shoulder gently and she jumped again. She inwardly cursed herself when she jumped. _What, did you leave your spine back home too?_

Ash looked up into Dorian's face. His eyebrows were furrowed again. "Are you alright?" he asked. His eyes flickered briefly to Cole who had thankfully quieted and was staring at the fire again. How much of that had Dorian heard? Ash cleared her throat before speaking. 

"Better than I was," she told him, offering as big a smile as she could muster. She stood quickly. "I'd like some clothes, though, if...well, if that's okay." She looked behind Dorian and noticed Iron Bull and Lavellan standing slightly in the door. Lavellan was looking at Cole curiously. _So **she** heard something then_. But Iron Bull...Ash swallowed. He was looking directly at her with a piercing gaze. Ash looked away quickly. _Fuck._ She crossed her arms over her chest, blushing. She heard Bull chuckle to himself slightly and her face burned.

"You look better," Iron Bull said. "Less...shaky." Her blush was her only response.

"She sees him, but doesn't see," Cole said suddenly. "She sees the impossible and wishes it wasn't. But it is." Ash looked at Cole, eyes pleading. _Stop. Please._ He was looking at her, but somehow, _through_ her, and standing. "Wants to be a wall so no one can see," he continued after a moment. Had he heard her? "I want to help." He made eye contact with Ash then, it looked like he was trying to reassure her. To her credit, she barely flinched this time.

Lavellan was the one who broke the silence. "Cole?" she asked, in a voice that Ash just noticed was incredibly melodic. Cole shook his head.

"No," he answered. "It would hurt. I don't want it to hurt." Ash was watching Lavellan's face. She frowned for a moment, but dropped the subject, turning to face Ash and offering a wry smile.

"I heard you needed clothes," Syana said and held up a pair of breeches and tunic. Ash's shoulders slumped in relief.

"Thank you," Ash breathed out, smiling. Clothes were a comfort and a start at pretending she could be normal.

Syana Lavellan was smiling at her. "Once you've changed, would you like some food?" she asked. At the mention of the word food, Ash's stomach spoke for her. Ash put a hand to it, making a face. Iron Bull barked out a laugh.

"That settles that," Iron Bull said, grinning at her. "How about the tavern? The food's not great, but it's warm."

Syana nodded, smiling at Ash again. "Get changed. I'll wait outside and we can meet them there."

Ash decided it was best to agree. They were guarding her, watching her, she knew. But she honestly couldn't blame them. Besides, again, she wasn't in the dungeons. Best case scenario. Plus, her stomach started cramping. She smiled. "Sure thing," she said. "I could really use a drink too."

Syana smiled broadly and Iron Bull laughed again. Dorian clapped her on the back. "I'm rather starting to like you, you mysterious apostate," he told her, grinning. He looked somewhat like a cat when he grinned, Ash decided.

"I'll be just outside," Syana said. She, Bull, and Dorian went to the door. Ash looked at Cole. He had moved to stand beside her. He leaned his head in close to her ear. Ash waited, spine straight, holding her breath.

"Walls can be torn down," he said, whispering, only for her. "You can't. You're stronger. You don't have to pretend." He walked out the door to where the rest of them were waiting. He closed it behind him, softly.

Ash stared at the door, honey-gold eyes wide in wonder. She felt herself smiling, really smiling this time. Her heart swelled ever so slightly and she felt some of the shadows that had been plaguing her whisper away. She shook her head. Cole was...well, Cole. _Better hurry this up_.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of real action. It'll start to pick up soon, I swear.  
> Also, wow. The first chapter seemed to be well-received so I wrote this like a storm. I don't know if I'll be able to keep this pace with updates, though, so be warned. I'll do my best to not make you wait for too long.  
> Let me know your thoughts on Cole. As much as I love him like a child I've never had, I had a bit of trouble writing him. His speech patterns in the game just don't seem to flow naturally for me, but I tried my best.  
> I'll also try to get a picture uploaded of Syana and Ash as well, while I'm at it. Thanks, as always, for reading!
> 
> <3


	3. Judge Me Worthy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lots of dialogue, bit of alcohol. Also, fluff.  
> Last chapter of set-up, I swear. Hoping to get things really going after this.

After Cole had left, she looked down at the clothes Lavellan had given her. The...pants? Breeches? The whatever...looked plain enough. Some sort of soft black fabric, skin-tight, with laces serving for seams running down the one side of both of the legs, and ending with a knot by the ankles. The tunic was long, almost to her knees, slit to her hips on the sides, sleeveless with a small collar and a deep v neckline. It was an emerald green, with simple white embroidery along the edges. She shimmied out of her pajamas, threw them onto the bed, and hastily put on the pants. Easy enough--once she sorted out how to tie the front so they actually stayed on. When Ash went to pick up the tunic, however, a strip of off-white fabric with clasps on the ends fell from inside it. She picked it up curiously. _What...oh._ A breast band. Well, at least Lavellan had been discreet. She grimaced, quickly putting on the band and the tunic and stepping out to smile at Lavellan.

"That didn't take you long," Syana said. "I forgot to give you these." She smiled and held up a pair of soft leather boots. Ash took them and found that she was struck by how...pretty Syana was. There was just no other way around it. She was willowy, but ever so slightly curvy. And her eyes. Ash had never seen eyes that color green before. Ash put a hand up to her hair, smoothing it down. She suddenly wished she had a mirror. "I'm glad those fit you. I had to ask Leliana for help," Sythari said, nodding her head towards the stairs. Ash stiffened slightly. Right, Leliana. "Ready?"

Ash nodded and began following her to the tavern. Not that she likely had much of a choice.

  


* * *

  


The tavern was a hum of voices and warmth. When Ash and Lavellan stepped inside, Ash scanned the room and saw Dorian look up at them before waving with an arm. The other people in the tavern barely even glanced in their direction. Still, she couldn't help but be on her guard. Something was up, she decided. _It's only been a few hours and they already want to get drinks with me? Nope. They want something._

"That looks much better," Dorian said to Ash as she joined them. "Baggy on you is a damnable waste."

Ash smiled at him a little, sitting across from him at the table. Syana sat down next to her. Iron Bull and Varric were there opposite them as well. Ash relaxed a bit. She hadn't known if she would have had to meet anyone new. She could tell Dorian and Varric were being genuinely friendly, but Syana still seemed to be on her guard, despite all her smiles and help. Ash could only wonder at how the rest would react. She thought of Solas again, wondering when she would have to explain herself to him. Another bridge to cross. Dorian continued, "Food, yes? I think you've lucked out; it looks like it's stew tonight."

Syana smiled wryly. "Oh good, something edible then," she said and looked at Ash. "Don't get me wrong, I want to make you feel welcome, but...well..."

"You also enjoy actually enjoying your food," Varric finished for her. "Speaking of welcome, you plan on staying here Ghost?"

Ash blinked at him. "Ghost?" she asked. "Me?"

Varric chuckled. "Haven't decided if I like it or not. Testing it out," he said. "Well?"

"I--I don't know," Ash said. "No one's asked. I mean..." It's not like she had anywhere else to go. _Shit._ What if they don't want her to stay here? What if...She looked at Syana tentatively, starting to panic, but Syana was still sporting the same wry grin.

"First," Syana said. "You're going to have to tell us how you got here." She was watching Ash expectantly.

Before Ash could respond, Cabot brought out bowls of stew, a few rolls of bread, and some cheese. Ash tried not to stare at him. He set them down and Ash followed suit as everyone grabbed at their stew. She looked at it, chunks of some sort of brown meat floated around with what looked like carrots and potatoes. She looked back up--all eyes on her, waiting.

"Honestly, I really don't know," Ash said quietly to the table. Time to start sticking to her story. She took a breath. "I don't remember much. I remember being asleep, and dreaming a really, really strange dream, but I woke up here." She pulled her face into a frown, eyebrows creasing together. "I don't know. I--when I woke up, I didn't even remember I was a mage. I don't remember..." Ash trailed off, silently prayed she was being convincing.

"So that gentle shove you gave me was an accident?" Varric asked, voice not unkind.

Ash looked up. "Yes," she said. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

"I've had worse, believe me," Varric said.

"So that's why you looked so confused?" Syana asked. Ash nodded.

"So...do you not remember any family?" Dorian asked softly. "Anyone who might be wondering where you've gone off to?"

Ash shook her head, frowning. "Yes, no?" she said. "I...think I do, but..." She made herself think of Elle and her cat and let the tears prick at her eyes. "I can't remember," she said, making her voice shake.

Syana put a hand on her shoulder. "It's alright," she said. Syana's face had seemed to have lost it's guarded expression and gained a kindness.

"Could Red look into that?" Varric asked. "Check for anybody that's missing?"

"We'll do that. We can see if we can figure out what happened to you," Syana nodded, before smiling. "But right now, I'm hungry and this is getting cold." Syana gracefully plucked a roll (as if grace was required for that) from the table and dunked it into her stew.

"Was hoping you'd say that, Boss," Iron Bull said. He had been oddly quiet during the whole exchange. Ash swallowed nervously. "But shouldn't we get some booze while we're at it?"

"Please do," Dorian said. "I don't want to put my plans of drinking myself into a stupor off just because of our sudden guest." He smiled towards Ash, "Don't get me wrong."

Ash was mid-mouthful of soup (Damn, it was good) and she smiled. "As long as there's room in your plans for me," she answered. Alcohol could help.

Iron Bull was already moving towards the bar to grab drinks. "Of _course_ , sweetheart," Dorian answered. "Wouldn't dream otherwise."

  


* * *

  


Not too long after, Syana declared (after a couple mugs of whatever the alcohol was) that she would please like to braid Ash's hair. Ash laughed and turned her back to Syana so she could. Syana's deft fingers slipped through her hair, teasing out any tangles before she began to braid. Ash closed her eyes at the feeling it gave her. For the first time since she had gotten to Skyhold, she felt really and truly...warm. She was starting to forget her apprehension, for the moment at least. 

"I've always wanted to do this," Syana said. "But no one here seems to have hair long enough. Aside from Varric." She gave a pointed glance in his direction.

"Don't get any ideas, Bells," Varric answered.

Syana laughed, and at the sound, Ash figured where Syana's nickname had come from. "I don't have a sister back in my clan," she continued as if Varric hadn't spoken. "And as my Keeper's First, I was always a bit separate from the others." Her voice was wistful.

"Do you miss them?" Ash asked.

"A little, yes," Syana answered. "But this is my home; my family." She deftly tied a piece of leather cord around the end of Ash's braid and draped it over Ash's shoulder. "There, finished." Ash turned and smiled a thank you.

"We need to take you to Val Royeux," Dorian said. "Do a bit of shopping. You're going to need more than one shirt and pants."

"By 'we', I hope you just mean you," Iron Bull said. "I hate that place."

Syana laughed. "I know what you mean, Bull. I'd like to go though, if nothing but to spare you a bit from Dorian," she said. "And I definitely know Vivienne would want to as well. She's always looking for someone's fashion to improve. It'd be fun for me to watch that force being directed at someone else for a change." She was grinning.

Ash groaned a little and Dorian grinned. She suddenly felt like the new favorite toy of a very facetious cat. "Oh, don't be like that," he said. "Think of the necessity of it. You do need clothes."

Ash was on her second drink and she finished it at that. She smiled, letting herself enjoy the warmth of this place, this alcohol, and the companionship. 

  


* * *

  


Ash had stopped counting how many times her mug had been refilled about an hour ago. For the most part, she was aware of nothing but how pleasantly tingly she was and she smiled--thoroughly drunk. God, she had really needed this. _Say what you will about not having an actual toilet, but this booze is making Thedas look like Heaven._ She wondered if they had something similar to whiskey. Ash huffed a small laugh; her head buzzing. She was and always had been the silly drunk. Her inhibitions went away quicker than most when she drank and everything had a tendency to be funny and perfect. She kept smiling and listening to the voices at the tavern murmuring around her, barely paying attention to the members of the Inquisition, but smiling when she heard them laugh. She let her thoughts wander, tracing meaningless patterns into the surface of the table. 

"So," said Iron Bull closely from her right. Ash snapped out of it a little and looked up at him, frowning slightly. When had he gotten that close? She looked at the table--everyone else had left. Ash finally noticed that the light filtering through the tavern windows had dimmed significantly. It was dark. _Shit_. She rubbed at a temple, trying to focus.

Bull watched her for a moment, his expression unreadable. He continued, "When do you plan on dropping the act?"

Ash stared for a moment before frowning. "What?" she asked.

Bull laughed slightly shaking his head quickly. Ash stared at his horns as they moved, like she had never seen them before, before snapping back to his face. _Focus, stupid_.

"Cut the shit," Iron Bull said, tone serious, eye drilling into her. Ash's mouth fell open, stunned. She shut it quickly and felt her pulse pick up. She kept staring, and her eyes flickered briefly to the door. _I could probably make..._

Iron Bull's deep bark of a laugh interrupted her and he nudged her shoulder a little. He hadn't put too much force into the gesture, but she was unprepared and small enough compared to him that she had to struggle a bit to remain on the bench she was sitting on. "Relax," he said. It wasn't very convincing. Ash frowned some more. She didn't know what she should do. She was attempting to decide whether or not she should pretend she had no idea what he was talking about. But Bull interrupted her.

"Seriously, calm down a sec," Bull said raising his hands placatingly. "I'm not about to do anything." He paused a moment, as if gauging her reaction. "We--Qunari, have this...thing. Ben-Hassrath? That's me. But something tells me you knew that." He paused again, taking in her expression. Ash was struggling to keep it neutral, the alcohol making it difficult. That was probably all he needed for confirmation. "I know there's something you're not saying," he said finally.

Ash was cursing herself. Yeah, she had known that. Or, rather, that little fact had conveniently slipped her mind completely. _Shit. Goddamn shit._ She was REALLY bad at this. Ash bit her lip, thoughts a mess, and was surprised when Bull laughed again.

"As sexy as it is when you do that, it's not gonna distract me," he said. Ash's eyes widened. _What?_ She hastily freed her lip from her teeth. "Hey," Bull said. "Relax. I'm joking." Ash made eye contact with him then and she felt her shoulders release some of their tension when she saw the sincerity in his face.

"Well, not about the sexy part though," Iron Bull said and winked at her. Ash blushed and Bull chuckled. "The way I see it, you have your reasons," he said after a short silence. "And something tells me they're pretty good ones. But...and this isn't me insulting you or anything, you aren't exactly the most threatening of people I've met." He clapped her on the shoulder, completely friendly. "So, whatever it is, you need to _relax_. Besides, as much as you might want to believe it, none of us are that stupid. Think we didn't notice how weird your clothes were? Or the fact that you looked like you couldn't believe your eyes when you saw the Inquisitor for the first time? You're trying, I'll give you that, but folks will start to catch on. Especially if you don't give them straight answers."

Ash let his words sink into her. She firmly pushed down any anxiety she could have had in that moment and sighed, the rest of the tension leaving her body. "How much do _you_ know?" she asked.

Iron Bull took a drink from his mug. "What I just said. That you know something, or some _things_ and don't want anyone to know. I'm not gonna to press you, like I said, you're definitely not threatening." Ash felt stubbornness welling up inside her. _Oh yeah? I'll show you threatening, you--you--_ Her eyes narrowed at her complete failure to come up with an insult.

"What are you saying?" she asked.

"That you're going to have to start giving answers instead of evading them," he answered. "She bought your story for now, but the Boss heard Cole. She's not going to forget that. And Red's probably started watching you. Most likely since the second you showed up on Solas's couch."

Ash laughed dryly, without humor. She felt incredibly stupid. This was what Syana had wanted the entire time, she realized. This was all a set-up for this. _And I fell right into it like an idiot. Shit. Well there goes plan A. What do I do now?_ "G--Maker," she said, almost slipping.

Bull grinned. "I'm just looking out for you," he said. "I can tell you don't mean any harm, but that doesn't mean everyone will see you that way. Besides, I can tell how you've been acting isn't natural for you."

Ash smiled back cautiously, eyebrows raised. "Why?" she asked.

Bull shrugged his massive shoulders, Ash noticed the way his muscles bunched with the action. "You can drink better than any woman I've met," he said.

She stared at him for a few long moments before laughing loudly in disbelief. "Seriously?"

Iron Bull looked at her again, smirking. "I have my reasons."

The look he was giving her made her blush again. She ducked her head and took a fast, deep swig of whatever was in her mug. Was he seriously hitting on her? More importantly, was he seriously using that as a reason? As much as she knew Bull liked sex (she ignored the newer flame in her face at the thought), she found that hard to believe--even with her mind as foggy as it was. Was he trying to distract her? What did Ben-Hassrath mean anyway? That had to be it. Had this whole thing in the tavern been some sort of set-up for Bull to interrogate her? Now, she was being paranoid. Was she? Ash shook her head, trying to kill the forming headache. She still didn't understand, but...if he kept his knowledge to himself... She shrugged internally, draining the rest of her drink. She decided on getting to bed as quickly as she could, knowing she was too drunk to think any of this through. She stood up, swaying a little bit. Her lips tightened in determination to stay on her feet without help.

"Need a hand?" Bull asked.

"Nope," she said, making a slight popping sound with the word. "I'm good."

Iron Bull didn't stop her as she very nearly swaggered out of the tavern and very pointedly avoided looking back at him. She could feel him watching her though. It was exactly why she didn't turn around. Maybe she should have been more careful with the alcohol, though she could have sworn she hadn't had that much to drink. But that's always how it went, wasn't it? She started walking back towards the stairs that would lead her to her room. Skyhold was quiet at this time of night, the only people that seemed to be out were guards. The keep itself was dark, only a few torches lit. Ash took a breath and enjoyed the stillness of the mountain air. It cooled her head a little bit.

Once in her room, she shut the door and flopped on the bed. Not bothering with covers, she snuggled into a pillow before slipping off into sleep, pretending she would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if I put too much time on the clothes thing at the beginning; got a bit carried away. 
> 
> Also, any thoughts on the Iron Bull thing? I'm thinking of pursuing it simply because it has so much potential to be delish. It's not too late for me to switch to Cullen, but I feel like there are plenty of those stories out there already. Most of the Iron Bull ones tend to be smutty one shots (not that I'm complaining), but making a longer romance would be fun to do. And I think a 'romance' would fit Bull. Especially since his tarot card is...woof.
> 
> As for Ash's nickname, I haven't decided if I really like it or not. It was already difficult because 'Ash' is already basically a nickname. I settled on Ghost for now, but I left it open for change. Any thoughts/suggestions on it are encouraged and welcome.
> 
> Next chapter will have more action and a picture of Sythari (my computer was being stupid for this chapter) and hopefully one of Ash as well.
> 
> As always, thanks so much for reading.  
> <3 and hugs.


	4. Loose Lips Might Sink Ships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's get it going this time.  
> Also, seriously *SPOILERS*  
> If you don't want them, don't read past this note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments and feedback guys! Love it.  
> This chapter was really rough for me, so I apologize if it's awful. Let me know if I've done something that just...is bad.

The cold was what ended up waking her. That, and the pounding headache that alcohol leads to. Ash winced and sat up, rubbing her arms for a couple seconds to try and get her skin to unfreeze. She moved off of the bed and pull the top blanket with her, wrapping it around her in a cocoon. She sat there for a few more seconds, waiting for her sense of mind to reassert itself. When it did, Iron Bull's conversation with her in the tavern hit her like a hammer. She cursed. Get her drunk around the qunari spy/assassin/interrogator and...well. She thought for a moment, wondering if Cole showing up in her room as he did had been planned too. _Well._ She felt like a moron. And if she was being honest with herself, she had been acting like one. They would have figured something out sooner or later, just like what Iron Bull was telling her. They most certainly didn't trust her.

What was she so afraid of? All the hiding that she had been trying to do...Honestly, the worst thing they could probably do if she told them anything would be telling her that she was insane. Well, probably. Right? She groaned and put her head in her hands at the sheer depth of her stupidity. She had been scared, terrified, when she found herself here and she had panicked. Her 'plan' (she snorted at the thought of calling it that) never even worked for a second. Of course it hadn't, they weren't stupid. But despite that, Iron Bull seemed to...trust her? It was a little disconcerting. She didn't know where the Ben-Hassrath thing ended and Bull's actual thoughts began. She shook her head. No, if she told them what she could, he wouldn't have to keep up the Ben-Hassrath thing, if he trusted her. Probably.

 _Too many unknowns....Relax._ His words echoed in her mind and she laughed a little. Then, Cole's words flashed through her mind: _She sees him, but she doesn't see_. No, she really hadn't. Maybe she really was crazy, but hell, this seemed real enough. Might as well say 'fuck it' and go with it. A sudden thought hit her and she walked to the wood pile that Dorian had set on fire for her. It had gone out, of course, but...Ash frowned. 

She put a hand up from under the blanket cocoon, pointed it palm out at the fire and stood there for a second. She had no idea what she was supposed to do. She started thinking of fire and even flicked her wrist a little bit. Nothing. She was so concentrated on trying to set it on fire with her mind that she didn't notice the door opening.

"Cold?" Syana's voice said. Ash started a short moment and turned to face the Inquisitor. She was standing in the doorway, framed by sunlight, head tilted, and one hand on her hip. She was smiling.

Ash laughed, startled. "I was hoping if I stared at it enough it would just sort of happen."

Syana smirked. "Well, I was coming to fetch you." Ash raised an eyebrow. "You're going to meet everyone. It's also just a bit warmer in there."

"Oh," Ash was a little bit floored. _If I'm gonna tell everyone, it might as well be all at once, I guess_.

"Something wrong?" Syana asked.

Ash took a deep breath. "I haven't been exactly telling the truth." It came out in a rush while she stared at the floor. "I'm sorry. I actually...know a lot about all this." She took a breath. "I...well, I have my reasons and it's not that you can't trust me...I just worry what would happen if I said anything, but..."

"I had wondered how it went with Bull," Syana responded a little too smoothly. "He told me to talk to you."

 _Damn. Iron Bull really knows what he's doing_.

Ash looked back up at Syana. What surprised her was how very unsurprised and unconcerned the Inquisitor looked. Ash's face turned quizzical. Syana gave her a small smile.

"Solas told me you called out to him," Syana said. "Solas and I...well, of course he told me."

 _Ah. Well. There you have it folks._ "I've been an idiot," Ash said. She couldn't think of anything else to say.

"We actually made bets on how long you would keep it up," Syana said lightly. "Well...Varric, Dorian, and I did . We thought it would be cheating if Bull was included." She laughed at Ash's resulting facial expression. All of them...

"Why do you trust me? You could have...You don't have much reason to," Ash said, trying to get her brain to keep up. She had been incredibly, ridiculously lucky.

"I didn't at first. None of us did, really, other than perhaps Dorian. But I do trust my people," she responded. "Bull and Cole both got a read on you. Though Cole was a bit too cryptic and refused to tell me much after. But Bull told me enough. The tavern was his idea, actually. None of us really know who you are or how you got here, or what you're hiding, but the two people that are the best at uncovering secrets told me you aren't a threat." She looked at Ash sympathetically. "I also could tell that you throwing Varric through Solas's study was an accident." She gave a pointed look at the lack of a fire.

"So...you're just okay with me then?" Ash asked. "Just like that?"

"Well...I'm assuming you're about to tell me and the others what's going on. And I have no doubt that it will be...strange," Syana remarked. "Besides that however, this is the Inquisition. The strangest group of misfits in all of Thedas. Ex-Templars, apostates, qunari mercenaries, grand enchanters, chantry sisters, and...well, Cole. All working together somehow. Weirdness and impossibility is what we do. You kind of already fit in, _da'len_."

Ash let that sink in. Syana took the time to wave her hand at the pile of wood to make a fire. "Sit with me?" Syana asked.

They sat down in front of the fire. "Solas thought perhaps you had been...occupying Skyhold before we got here. It was only a fortnight ago and it is a very large place. Still doesn't quite explain how you knew his name."

That was a question. Ash sighed and looked at Lavellan. She was silent for a few long moments, her heart thumping. She knew she couldn't keep up some elaborate story about who she was... _Here goes nothing._ She said a silent prayer. "Well, I--I'm not from here. You probably figured that out," Ash said carefully. "I mean, not from Thedas, this..." she paused. "Where I'm from...there’s no…magic there. No demons or anything like that. I—I didn’t come here on purpose. I really have no idea how I got here. I was dreaming. I thought I was just sleeping on my couch. I was expecting to wake up to a hangover and a peeved cat. This isn’t even...You're not supposed to be real.” She stopped, wide-eyed after she realized what she had said in her rambling. She shouldn’t have said that. _Shit._

"I'm...not real?" Syana asked, eyebrow raised.

“Y-yeah,” she stammered. “Thedas, well, where I’m from Thedas is a fictional place. A myth, a story in a book.” No, it wasn’t a book, but to her it seemed better than saying: 'oh, you’re from a video game that I’ve played. It’s no big deal, just that none of you actually exist and I know literally everything that will happen. Oh, and I made the decisions that basically created your reality.’

"You do know things about us then," Syana responded. "How much?"

Ash ran a hand through her hair. She couldn't tell if Syana believed her or not. "A bit," she said. "Your names, what's going on in Thedas, how you got to Skyhold." She took another deep breath. "I just want to go home. I don't mean to do anything bad here. I doubt I could if I tried. Until I figure that out, I'll do what I can to help you, I swear. If-if you let me stay." It was deathly quiet for what felt like hours.

Syana was staring at her. Eyes slightly narrowed, skeptical. Ash's heart was pounding away, waiting. "I know I said strange--" Syana said.

Ash cut her off in a rush, "I know. I sound insane." She closed her eyes. "You were just a spy at the Conclave at first. Your Keeper sent you. Then, the Breach happened and Andraste/the Divine/something saved you from the Fade. You got the rebel mages to assist you in closing the Breach because the Chantry was pretending you didn't exist. After you did, Corypheus and his red Templar army destroyed Haven. You almost died in an avalanche then an ice cave and then Solas helped you all find Skyhold and now you're the leader." She looked at Syana again. To her surprise, Syana's expression was almost amused.

Syana laughed in disbelief. "Well," Syana said shaking her head. "Another world..." she mused, falling silent. They sat for a moment, staring at the fire. Ash was trying to calm down again. "Well, if you know as much as you do, it would be silly to not use that. And in return, we could help you. See if we can figure out where it is exactly you came from, how to get you back. Even help you with your magic. _IF_ you do help us, of course."

Ash stared into the fire for a moment. "Yes," she said. "I'll do what I can. But, I just want you to know that I'm worried if I tell you too much, everything will get all messed up."

"There's still things I'm assuming you CAN help us with. That's enough," Syana said. "And everyone here has secrets they don't share. Honestly, I don't like the thought of sending you out on your own. We can protect you. Just have to talk to the others."

Ash smiled. "Thank you," she said. "Really."

  


* * *

  


"You're joking, yeah?" Sera sneered at her. "Or crazy more like. You expect us to believe that?"

Ash sighed. She was sitting in the war room with the members of the Inquisition and the advisers around her. She had repeated what she had told Syana and some of them were taking it better than others. Dorian, Varric, and Bull made a few jokes about it and took it in stride (Varric won the bet). Cassandra, Blackwall, Josephine, and Leliana only looked skeptical, to varying, sometimes scary, degrees. Same with Solas. Sera, Cullen, and Vivienne on the other hand... "No," Ash said. "I'm not joking. Though, I'm not sure if I've gone insane and this is all some sort of grand hallucination I'm having. It might be preferable."

Cullen shifted where he stood. "I'm inclined to agree with Sera," he said. "Though perhaps not in those words. Your story is...difficult."

Cole spoke. "She's not lying," he said. "She wants you to believe her."

"Hell, it's not like it's the strangest thing we've seen," Varric said. "I mean, a blighted, ancient, Tevinter magister coming back to life and tearing open a giant hole in the sky with the help of an Archdemon? The mark on Bells's hand that conveniently closes holes in the Fade? That's already impossible. What's one more thing?"

The group started to argue among themselves and Ash struggled with trying to fade into the background. Her future depended on this...Most likely her life did as well. She steeled herself and fixed her eyes on Sera. Fine, they wanted proof? Sera glared back at her. "What?" Sera demanded.

Ash glared back. "Pride cookies," she said and after the silence of her words sinking in fully, Sera let out a curse, likely about to launch into an insult. Ash continued before she could, turned to Leliana, "Marjolane," she said. Leliana's eyes turned into daggers. Ash remained calm, fury beginning to shape. Cullen, "Nightmares." He paled, mouth hanging open. Cassandra, "Anthony." Her face hardened. Blackwall, "Regret." Vivienne, "Irrelevance." She finally turned to Solas, " _Harellan._ " She dared him with her eyes. He looked relaxed, but she could see his eyes burn for a split second. "That enough for you? Or should I keep going?" she asked.

The room was still and silent for what felt like an eternity. The companions looked at one another uneasily. Syana was silent, she herself narrowed her eyes at Ash again briefly. Ash shrugged back. She had hidden nothing. _Looks like you believe me now._ She hoped she hadn't just dug her own grave. _Fingers crossed._

Cassandra was glaring. "How do you..." she said and trailed off into silence. 

"Shit," Varric said. Bull grunted in assent.

"Magic-y shite," Sera muttered, making a face.

Solas cleared his throat. "As it is, we are still taking much on faith," he said coolly. "Though I suppose it _may_ be possible that you came here through the Fade." He was watching her carefully, looking like he had been presented with a frustrating puzzle. She would be careful around him. "You did say you had been dreaming."

"Inquisitor," Vivienne said. "Are you quite sure that she is not the same type of creature as Cole? A demon in disguise? As much as you like having him as a pet, I must protest adding another one."

The look the Inquisitor gave Vivienne could have frozen a volcano over. "Yes," she said, her voice venomous. "Firstly, Cole is not a demon, as I've said. Second, Ash can barely summon her magic. Cole has...read her. Given all that, all of this," she waved a hand, "whatever or wherever she's from, she's not threatening, not a danger to all of _us_ , much less a demon."

Vivienne opened her mouth to retort. But Syana Lavellan was not having it. "Enough," she said loudly and firmly. She glanced at Ash, seeming to come to some sort of decision before she fixed her stare on each member of the Inquisition, lingering on Vivienne. "I came here to introduce her to you, for you to hear the facts straight from the source. This is not a debate. Ash is staying. She is going to help us. And you all are going to have to live with that."

The room was silent after that, all possible arguments completely shut down. Leliana was the one who first spoke, her face returning to its cool mask. "Since she is staying," she said. "We will need to have a background for her, I believe. Rumors run wild and most of Skyhold knows that she is here, they have seen her. They will need something. It could also protect her." She paused. "Of course, we cannot let them know the truth."

"What do you suggest?" Syana asked.

It was Josephine this time. "The Trevelyans," she stated suddenly. "A small noble family in the Free Marches. My family has had dealings with them in the past. They had a daughter who was in the Ostwick Circle. From what I hear, she died at the Conclave. It would be a slight risk, but it could work."

"Wouldn't the Trevelyans want to see their only daughter alive?" Cullen asked. "If they ever saw her, they would know that Ash is not her."

"I'm not certain they would Commander," Josephine responded. "They sent their daughter to the Circle when she was only five years old. The Trevelyans didn't seem too keen on visiting her either...they are openly distasteful of magic and extremely devout Andrastians. They may be inclined to ignore her."

"That _could_ work," Cassandra said thoughtfully. "It should be simple enough to handle the protests of one family if it came to it." Ash felt Cassandra's eyes on her. She didn't look.

"We'll go with that then," Syana said, nodding. "It also gives you a bit of status, which could only be in your favor. Now I suppose the next step is to get you trained and acclimated to your magic. Dorian, Solas, and I can help you. I'll have you start tomorrow." She looked around at everyone. "That's that, then. Ash will get set up in a proper room." She turned and looked at Ash. "Welcome to the Inquisition."

Ash forced herself to smile at everyone as they left, staying back with Syana. Vivienne was the only one who didn't seem to want to acknowledge her. Most of them were apprehensive and gave her guarded glances (like Blackwall and Sera), but Ash was just glad they weren't being openly hostile. What did catch her by surprise was Iron Bull.

"I told you you would feel better after getting that off your chest," he said to her and winked. "We'll have to work on getting other things off your chest."

Before Ash could respond, he ruffled her hair slightly and walked out with the rest of them, laughing. Ash felt her face light with fire and her mouth hung open in shock. Syana broke out into a fit of laughter. Ash felt that she should be pissed off, but her brain couldn't quite catch up to do so. Bull really had been hitting on her. And _that_...Well.

  


* * *

  


Ash had gotten a room in Skyhold, a little ways off from the library. It was nothing luxurious, a bed, fireplace, and a small desk, but Ash couldn't have asked for better. She threw herself onto the bed, arms spread wide. It felt like a giant weight had been lifted from her chest after her outburst. She smirked a little. Let them be wary of me. Iron Bull had been right. She had needed to relax. She just had to be careful with what she told them, but Syana seemed to accept that. And she was going to be able to use magic. That was pretty damn cool. She might as well try to enjoy it while they figure out a way to get her home. Worrying was getting her nowhere quickly. She was broken out of her reverie by a soft knock at her door. She went and opened it and her eyebrows immediately shot into her hairline, all previous bravery leaving as quickly as it came. _Fuck._

"Solas?" she said. "Wh--what can I do for you?"

He gave her a small, sharp, not-quite-smile and tilt of his head. "I thought perhaps we could talk? About how you got here--what you said in the war room." She took him in, he was...incredibly handsome, she realized. His face was regal, high, bold cheekbones and a sharp well-proportioned and slightly square jaw line. The dimple in his chin just added charm, the same with the small scar above his eyebrow. His eyes were a steely blue-gray and she could see them reflecting light. She noticed stubble on his head, realizing that he did shave it. She gulped, heart hammering, wondering what to do. She found herself gravitating towards him in spite of herself, remnants of the attraction that had caused her to romance him in more than a few playthroughs...even with the heartbreak. 

"I--," Ash said, hesitating. She tried to look past him, but couldn't see anyone. Would he hurt her? She instantly regretted taunting him in the war room. _Dammit. What were you thinking idiot!_ Solas placed his hand on the door, pushing it further ever so slightly. He raised an eyebrow at her, waiting. Ash realized then he was not asking. She moved away from the door, not wanting to provoke him further. He shut the door behind him and leaned against it. Ash steeled her spine. _Shitshitshit._ She was trying to keep her face neutral. She did NOT have a good feeling.

“Well, could have bought me dinner first,” she muttered, trying to lighten the mood. He didn’t get the joke. He obviously didn’t find much funny at the moment. She sighed in defeat.

"You claimed you know the details of what is occurring in Thedas. Even more curious, you illustrated you know intimate facts about us personally. You even called me by name the moment you saw me. As if you had recognized me, had seen me before," he said. When Ash didn't respond, he asked. "What exactly?"

Ash swallowed. "“Wh-what do you mean?” she said, more nervously than she intended. She got angry at herself. That was real convincing.

Solas’s lips thinned into a line and he shook his head at her. She could tell in that gesture he was more than a little irritated. "You know more than you've implied. You said that there are things you cannot say. I also believe that you know some things that perhaps you shouldn't."

He was not messing around. He was guessing at this point, she knew. But as Iron Bull and literally everyone had shown her, lying effectively was not her strong suit. There was something about how Solas was talking to her that suggested he would get his answers, one way or another. She really didn’t want to fight him, knowing she would lose. She thought of Fel'assan and repressed a shudder. She looked back at him. “Please realize that I’m not a threat. I—Honestly, I just want to go home, but seeing as I’m probably stuck here, I want to help. I really do,” she told him. “Look, I--I know who you are. I have no interest in telling anyone though. Because I also know that these people need you; Syana needs you. And I know you need something too. The Inquisition is your best chance to get to it.”

“Who is it that you think I am, exactly?” he asked. So that was how he was going to be. _Well...fuck it. Right?_

Ash took a breath. This could potentially go very badly. She didn't know what to expect from Solas, especially since he didn't trust her. She liked to think he was a good person, despite everything. That he was capable of compassion, of love. She knew he was tortured by his past and she clung to that. She clung to what she knew he regretted, the things Cole revealed about him in dialogue. There was a silence that stretched on and Ash could hear her heartbeat in her ears. She made eye contact with Solas. His eyes were narrowed still, arms crossed, tense, predatory. _He might kill me even if I don't tell him anything. Fuck_.

"Fen'harel," she whispered quietly, regretting the word immediately.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK AT HOW FAST I CAN GET THINGS TO MOVE. NO PUNCHES PULLED!!!  
> Sorry for the cliffhanger. But really I'm not sorry. They're fun to write. Don't hate me.  
> It is in fact official, Iron Bull will be the romance for the story. I intend to make it a slow burn. :)  
> And yes, I know that the Trevelyan family gets a little leech-like when Trevelyan is the Inquisitor, and some of that will come into play later. However, Ash is not the Inquisitor and I don't think that the family would have too much interest. Also, let me know if you think it's forced.  
> Next chapter I plan on having a little bit of magey training. Since I hate that Ash is so useless at the moment.
> 
> Aaannnnd...picture of Syana:  
> http://i.imgur.com/lfX3e1Q.jpg  
> Sorry that you can't see her hair. I was trying my best to snap one. It's the darkest red that the character creator had and it's the style that's shaved on one side (with the little braid) and long on the other.
> 
> Picture of Ash will be coming soon.


	5. Through My Feeble Disguise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter was initially released before Trespasser and so I've edited it heavily to account for that. Should go without saying, but heavy spoilers ahead*
> 
> Short one. Couldn't get much done today.  
> Also, I apologize if it's not that great. This was another slightly difficult one to deal with for me. Feedback appreciated, as always.
> 
> Song for Title:  
>  _"She blows outta nowhere, roman candle of the wild_  
>  _Laughing away through my feeble disguise_  
>  _No other version of me I would rather be tonight."_  
> 

"Fen'harel," she said.

The quiet that fell over the room after that word was total. Ash broke out into a nervous sweat as she watched Solas carefully. He wasn't moving; he had gone eerily and completely still. She watched as the emotions played across his face. They were nothing more than fleeting glimpses, his mask was put back into place quickly, but she could see first the shock, then the anger, then something that made her heart hurt to see. It was sorrow, the intensity of which stunned her in place. It was replaced as quickly as it came with a guarded, curious expression. Almost as if he couldn’t decide what she was. He probably wasn’t used to not knowing things. She smirked a little, despite herself, despite the danger she felt. The great Dread Wolf, puzzled by little old shemlen her. _The horror._ Silence stretched between them, unanswered questions hanging heavily in the air. The air happened to feel like ice at the moment. She shifted on her feet, wondering if it was Solas making the air feel that way. Probably. 

She couldn’t stand the silence, it was unnerving, considering. So she continued, “Or his soul—or something like that." Solas still wasn't moving. "I know it’s your orb that Corypheus has. That it’s your magic that caused the mark on Syana’s hand. I know you want the orb back. That’s the reason you’re helping. Well, that and the fact that you feel like all of this is your mistake. You gave it to him after all.”

It looked as if Solas was at a loss for words. _What_ are you?” he demanded after a few more heartbeats.

“Human,” she said simply. “Just a stubborn human that knows too much. But what I don’t know is why. I don’t know why you’re doing whatever you’re doing. Why you've done what you've done. I have theories on it, but frankly, I won’t bother you to tell me what you’re planning to do once you get your orb back. I can’t help but trust you.”

His face pulled into a critical frown. Ash could feel barely coiled anger rolling off of him. It made her shiver. "How is it that you have come to know this? It cannot be that we are merely a legend." He raised an eyebrow. Ash stiffened. "Legends are not this detailed."

She frowned back at him. She had to tread carefully here. She was very aware of the dark look that had overtaken Solas's face. "Well, this one is," she said, firmly. "In fact, a lot of it revolves around what I just told you." A partial lie, but not that he would know the difference. She exhaled a breath she hadn’t been aware she was holding. “Like I said, I don’t know exactly what you’re planning. I assume it has to have something to do with the elven gods. I don’t know enough to really know if that's a good or bad thing. But I can't help but trust you. I don’t think...I can't believe that you’d really do something that would hurt a lot of people.” She really did, despite everything. She remembered his face in Trespasser, when he left Syana there. She grimaced. Maybe if she said the right things she could stop him. _That's a big maybe, but better than nothing? Right? Ugh._

He shook his head, face once again hiding any emotions he might be feeling, and began to move towards her. “You ask for much,” he said.

Her heart started racing and she began to back up, eyes scanning for anything she could potentially use to defend herself. Then she remembered Solas could use magic. _Shit_. “H-hey, I don’t plan on telling anyone. I’m not about to stop you. Hell, I’ll help you out.” In her panic, electricity began flashing at her fingertips. Solas caught sight of this and stopped, eyes narrowing again.

“Please, believe me,” she begged. “Don’t kill me. I—“ 

"Enough," he said and in an instant his hand was on her forehead. Full blown lightning sparked from her fingers in her panic, but he waved his other hand and it dissipated. She felt like the air had left her lungs, her body. Like she had been cut off from a part of her. _What did he do to me?_ "I will have the truth," he said and Ash fell into blackness. 

  


* * *

  


Ash bolted upwards. _What the fuck...what..._ Then she went still, taking in her surroundings. _No._ She looked down at her quilt covered mattress, looked to her alarm clock, the curtains covering her bedroom window. She was in her apartment. Her bedroom. Her eyes went wide and she started to shake. _Ok. Think. Shit. THINK._ Solas had knocked her out...somehow. Right? Was that all a dream? She shook her head, feeling all the world like she had gone utterly insane. _Calm down. Think._ She focused on taking a few deep, shuddering breaths. It was then she noticed that she was wearing the tunic and breeches that Syana had gotten her. _Okay. There. That was real._ Ash sighed and ran a hand through her hair. What had Solas done? She carefully got off her bed and it was then she noticed that something was...off about her surroundings. There was a haze to it; she looked around and noticed that tiny details would waver before coming into focus. Her stereo wasn't on her dresser, she realized. Then her eyes widened as she watched it materialize out of thin air. _oookaaaaay.... Right. Cool. The fade?_ She was in the fade. Solas did his thing and put her in the fade. She stilled. Did that mean.... She rushed to open the door to her living room and was greeted with the sight of his back. He was staring into her kitchen. _Shit._

"It seems you have been telling the truth," he said without turning around. Ash cleared her throat, not knowing what to say. He turned to face her then and she was surprised when the corner of his lip twisted into an amused smirk.

"Um," she said. "Well, yeah. I...have." She cursed herself. 

Solas looked around again. "This is fascinating," he said. His eyes settled on her TV. "What is that device?" he asked. 

Ash started. Her nerves were going haywire. "A-a TV," she said. At his raised eyebrow she added, "...it, um, you can watch shows on it. For entertainment. Like plays or theater? But they've been...recorded beforehand." She struggled to explain so he would understand. 

Solas waved a hand and she felt _something_ pull at her skull before an episode of The Office started on the TV. Her eyes widened again. _The hell..._ "How did you do that?" she asked, trying to ignore the opening jingle and her creeping headache. 

Solas chuckled. "Is that a serious question?" he asked lightly. _Wow. Okay. Cocky._ Ash shook her head. The TV went black again at her action. Um.

"I guess not," she said. _Well. Okay. Should be fine as long as he doesn't see the game, right?_ "So..." Ash said. "Um."

Solas placed his hands behind his back, still smirking. The look in his eyes was not dangerous, but...curious. “I would not have killed you,” he said after a moment. “You took me by surprise, but killing you…It would have been a waste.” He waved a hand in a broad gesture to her apartment. 

Ash deflated at that. "Well. Awesome," she said sarcastically. 

Solas chuckled again, but darkly this time. "Besides, I do not believe I have much to fear from you," he said wryly.

"That's true," she muttered. "Doubt I could really do anything to stop you. Whatever you're planning. Besides, who would believe me?" She shook her head, and smiled a little sadly.

Solas sat on her couch and folded his hands in his lap. He looked entirely too comfortable with his surroundings. _Well. Guess this confidence is indication of who he actually is._ "You can relax," he said. "Posturing aside, I will not harm you. You have my word." He seemed extremely amused. Ash still had no idea what was really happening right now. She couldn't get a good read on Solas. At all. But... She made her way to sit next to him on her fade-couch.

"This is not what I expected," she said, looking at her hands.

Solas scoffed. "I see you give credit to Dalish expectations," he said. "I am not a monster, as they would have you believe."

Ash raised an eyebrow. She kept thinking of Fel'assan. "No," she said carefully. "But...you being who you are, you can't blame me for being..."

"Nervous?" he asked lightly. Ash nodded. "That is....Fair," he said. "Forgive me. It has been too long since I have been called by that name. It was...unexpected." She looked at him and saw him still looking around her apartment, openly fascinated. "Truly unexpected."

"I'm sorry," Ash said. "But I'm still having trouble here. You're not going to..." Words failed her then.

Solas shook his head, looking irritated again. "No," he said. "You obviously are of use to the Inquisition. Your knowledge could help immensely." There was a glint in his eye. It clicked then. _Ah. He wants to use what I know. Of course. Duh. Shit._ And he didn't seem to care that she knew that. As if he was saying she wouldn't be able to stop him if she tried.

"Ah," she said. "Again, I can't reveal too much. I don't want to...make anything worse." Solas nodded.

"It is useful nonetheless," he said. He inclined his head to an object on the coffee table. "I believe that you know much more than you have suggested." Ash realized that the case to Dragon Age Inquisition was on her coffee table. Her heart skipped a beat. Solas continued, "A legend?" 

Ash stilled and forced herself to think. From the way Solas was looking at it... "Can you read that?" she asked. When he frowned she let out a breath. _Okay, calm down. He doesn't know what it says._ "Well," she said. "The pictures were probably enough." The back cover had all of them standing around the war table after all. Plus, the Inquisitor facing down the demons on the front. He didn't know it was a game, yet. "A legend was the best thing I could come up with," she said. "It's a show, like I was saying before? But I didn't think trying to explain all that would go over well."

Solas's eyes were narrowed, but he said, "I suppose." He paused. "What is the extent of your knowledge?"

Ash shook her head. "Corypheus and what's happening now," she said. "And a few years before and after the Inquisition." She was trying to be vague. "I can't say more," she pleaded.

He snorted. She frowned. "I will get direct answers eventually," he said. "This was a start." Ash bit her lip, starting to get annoyed. _Like fuck you will, egg._

"What?" she said.

"Nothing to concern yourself with." He waved a hand in front of her face. "I think it's time for you to," She froze, realizing what he was doing, "Wake up."

  


* * *

  


Ash woke up in her bed in Skyhold. She cursed, tears stinging at her eyes. This was something else she needed to deal with. _Fuck._ The Dread Wolf had her scent. She knew he knew he was taking a gambit and she cursed herself for not feeling able to fight it.

She looked around at the cold stone walls, the image of her apartment painfully fresh. Too much. She put her head in her hands and sobbed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Well. There are the edits. Thoughts? Hopefully not too much of a stretch. Solas is...complicated.**
> 
>  
> 
> And there you have it. I plan on having her interact with the other characters, especially Blackwall considering his story. But first mage training. I know I said it would be in this chapter, but plans are hard to stick to.
> 
> The chapter title is from a song, but I was thinking of it applying to Solas, because I mean...really. He wasn't that great of a liar. It had everyone going, but to me, if I think back to interactions with him in the game almost all of the answers to "gee, how do you know that Solas?" was some version of: "I saw it in the Fade." After a while, that gets a little ridiculous. Not to mention all the interactions with Cole. He's a walking spoiler.
> 
> My idea with Solas being sad is the fact that not many people know who he really is, aside from the spirit of Wisdom, and how lonely he must feel after its death. It also kind of puts Ash in a sticky situation with what she should tell Syana about Solas. Ash is hoping that she can talk him out of leaving Lavellan.
> 
> As always, thank you for your comments and for reading!  
> <3


	6. Heaven and Hell Were Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mage-y training. Celebrating. Longer chapter. More light-hearted than it has been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"My babe would never fret none_   
>  _About what my hands and my body done_   
>  _If the Lord don't forgive me_   
>  _I'd still have my baby and my babe would have me_   
>  _When I was kissin' on my baby_   
>  _And she put her love down soft and sweet_   
>  _In the low lamp light I was free_   
>  _Heaven and hell were words to me."_   
> 

Ash was currently on the ground, on her back, staring at the sky, and groaning. "I thought the goal here was to _not_ light me on fire," she quipped through her teeth, head throbbing.

"I didn't though, did I?" Dorian replied. "You ducked. Rather spectacularly, I might add." She heard footsteps vibrating through the stone under her head before his head came into view, face concerned despite all his humor. She closed her eyes. He was referring to her response to the fireball he had launched at her moments before. How she reacted didn't really deserve to be called 'a duck,' as that would imply at least some amount of calculation on her part. No, she saw it coming toward her and panicked; succeeded in falling backwards. Very poorly. In fact, she was sure she waved her arms around like a windmill before she hit the ground. It got her out of the way, sure, but it also was the reason her head was in so much pain.

"Ha ha," she said sarcastically, righting herself a bit and opening her eyes carefully. She didn't want to risk getting up just yet.

"Sorry, my dear," Dorian said apologetically, furrowing his brow. "I thought you were ready. Though, again, that was a marvelous fall." Ash took Dorian's hand when he offered it and got back on her feet.

"Yeah, yeah. I don't know if I'll ever be ready," she muttered, smiling. "But at least now we know that a life or death situation does not always make me use magic. And whenever that happens, I should just fall over and hope for the best."

Dorian's face made an effort at deciding between a smile and a frown for a few moments. The smile won. "Our fearless leader had hoped that we could get you to focus on your panic and sort of feel your mana but..." He laughed. "I may not be the best suited for teaching. A bit short sighted on her end, honestly." He smirked. "Setting things on fire, however, I'm your man. Perhaps Solas would be a better bet?" Ash was rubbing the back of her neck. She grimaced at Solas's name. She really didn't want to be alone with him any more than necessary, and him teaching her...Well. Then again, Dorian was not very helpful. They had been 'practicing' up on the battlements above the stables for the better part of an hour. To put it bluntly, Ash hadn't accomplished shit. Syana hadn't given her any details, just told her to go and meet Dorian. Ash frowned. Syana had seemed to be in a hurry--Ash couldn't help but wonder if it was about what she thought it was. She had done some thinking about the timeline of events. She had also noticed Varric acting somewhat shifty. If her hunch was right, she should really get a hold on this magic thing. She shook her head, clearing it and cracked her neck.

"Maybe," she said. "I just don't know what to do." It was starting to irritate her. Why grace her with the gift of magic if she couldn't use it? Not that she would probably be any good with a sword either but...

"Well, why don't you take a bit of a breather, wander around a bit, and I'll fetch Solas," Dorian said, already walking away. _Damn it._

"Seriously? I didn't take you for a quitter," she called after him. She heard him laugh, still walking away. _Damn it._

He waved an arm. "For now at least. I'd rather you at least be able to _try_ and defend yourself." He was out of view. Ash sighed. The thought of wandering around Skyhold by herself was a bit intimidating. She knew Leliana's story seemed to be working, but she hadn't walked really explored yet. The thought of bumping into other members of the Inquisition still made her nervous. Not only that, but the keep was infinitely bigger than the video game had made it seem. It was easily the size of a small town. She just knew if she wandered too much, she would get lost. But she didn't like the thought of just sitting there either. She started heading down to the stables, thinking of seeing some of the horses. It was also one of the only areas (other than the tavern) that she knew how to reliably get to. She figured either Dorian or Solas would be back quick enough. And she wanted to prepare herself for the latter. 

Once at the stables, she nodded a hello at Dennet. He sort of grunted in her general direction before continuing what he was doing. Ash decided at that moment that she liked him. She said nothing and approached what she assumed to be the Inquisitor's hart. She was taken aback slightly at how very large they were. About the size of a moose, she thought, before reaching out a hand for him to sniff. He was noisy about it and she couldn't help but giggle. She placed a gentle hand on his nose and he bobbed his head down towards her.

"Odd. The beast usually bites at anyone who's not the Inquisitor," Blackwall said from behind her. Ash jumped and the hart snuffled in a disgruntled sort of way. She turned quickly to find Blackwall leaning against the side of the barn with his arms crossed. She couldn't read his face.

"Maybe I have a new-found gift with animals too?" she said and Blackwall only grunted.

"Care to come inside for a moment?" he asked. "I have something I want to ask you."

Ash stared, immediately realizing what this was about. It was Solas all over again, except she wasn't afraid of Blackwall in the slightest. She knew exactly who he was and what he could do. He wouldn't hurt her. Be angry at her, sure. Not trust her. But that she could handle. He was human and decidedly non-magical. Solas was a "god." _I cannot catch a break._ She sighed. "Well, why not?" she asked. "Better clear the air now, I guess." She followed him inside and sat atop a hay bale next to the fire. He chose to stand, staring at it. Ash coughed to get his attention. "So?" she asked. "Shoot."

He shifted, crossing his arms again. He really did that a lot. "I suppose there's no way to tip-toe around it," he said. "What do you know?" He fixed her with a firm stare.

She considered how to respond. She wanted to be a little scathing (she never quite got over the betrayal of it), but couldn't decide if that was the best idea. It would be up to Syana, not her, to decide what to do with him when the time came. "All of it," she said. " _Warden_ Blackwall. I know why it's only you that hasn't gone missing." She was hoping he got the hint, she didn't want to say his name out loud in case there was anyone around. His eyes narrowed at her and he was silent, thinking out her words.

"What do you plan on doing with this information?" he asked warily.

"Nothing," she said. "I won't be the one to judge you." He didn't seem to believe her because of course he didn't. "Again, I've known all this. Haven't said a word. I won't either. Not my problem," she said. "Think of me like I'm an apathetic semi-version of Cole." She liked the comparison she came up with.

"I find it hard to believe," he said finally. "That you would keep my secrets, considering what they are."

"Believe me or don't believe me," she said. "It's fine either way. But remember, I don't just know your secrets, I know everyone's. Even Cole's. And I haven't told you anything about anyone, so why would I tell them about you?" He didn't seem to accept that answer. She sighed and tried to find something he would. "You're trying to repent. I get it, you have regrets and want to atone. I won't stop you. It's not my business. My business is helping the Inquisition, just like you."

At that, Blackwall sighed and uncrossed his arms. "I suppose that will have to do for now," he said. "I don't like it, but ...well. S'pose I don't have much choice." He looked at her. "l'll try to keep my suspicions to myself."

She shook her head. "No, none of you trust me, I know that," she said. "That's fine. I...well. Not much I can do about that." She smiled a little smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. She felt suddenly like she was walking on glass.

Blackwall nodded, but then lifted his head at something behind her. She turned. Solas was walking towards them. "Solas," Blackwall greeted.

Solas folded his hands behind him in his usual stance and nodded at Blackwall. "Hello," he said and looked at Ash. "Come with me, we're continuing your training." He then turned to leave.

Ash stood and brushed off her pants, muttering a quick goodbye to Blackwall. She followed Solas, wary, and was confused when he led them back to the stables where there were two horses, saddled and waiting. She raised an eyebrow.

"We're going to a small meadow outside of Skyhold," he said in answer to the question on her face. "It is quiet and should help you to focus." He handed her the reigns to a copper colored mare. Ash grabbed them, but didn't move. Her eyebrow was still raised. Solas gave her a look.

"I have decided to trust you," he said simply. "For the moment. I also believe I promised you I would not harm you. Did you not claim that you trusted me?" He mounted his horse and watched her expectantly. She looked at the horse. The last time she had ridden one, she was eight years old and it was at some camp she had been sent to. She hadn't liked it much. She also very much did not like this situation, but knew if she refused Syana would hear about it...Then she would have to find a reason that wasn't the actual reason. _Oh hell._ Without responding, she put a foot in the saddle and tried to swing herself over. It took a couple attempts, but eventually she got it. She felt like she had conquered something and her shoulders rose a little bit with a small sense of personal pride. She turned to Solas, who was sill watching her, but with a bemused expression. She ignored him.

"Lead the way," she said in her most magnanimous voice.

  


* * *

  


Ash sat cross legged on a patch of grass. There was a pond in front of her. Solas was on her right. Her eyes were closed, hands folded on her lap, and she was taking deep slow breaths. Solas had instructed her to do so; he said that she must discover her mana on her own. She was growing slightly impatient, however. Her fear of him had faded with how long they had been there and how bored she was becoming. They had come down to this little meadow hours ago and she had done nothing but sit there. Her spine and butt hurt and she was getting hungry.

"What am I supposed to be doing, exactly?" she asked, for the third time.

Solas sighed, again. "Meditating. Feeling for your magic. You are not in tune with it. Hopefully, this exercise will correct that. It will not work, however, if you do not focus." She cracked her eyes open in his direction. He was staring off at the pond, face impassive.

"But what am I looking for?" she asked.

"Try calling it to you, focus on it," he said. "It is not something you bludgeon into submission. Still your mind. You will feel it."

 _Oh, cryptic. What is this the Lion King?_ She then had an interesting mental picture of Solas as Rafiki and snorted. They both even had staves. Solas looked at her, eyebrow quirked, and she closed her eyes quickly, lips twitching in amusement. She sobered quickly though and began focusing on the fact that she had magical abilities, supposedly. She was starting to doubt it. _I know you're in there._

"The Veil may separate you from the raw power of the Fade, but it is still there," Solas told her. "You must feel it in the air around you, in yourself. As a mage, you are connected to it."

Gods, he could be irritating. She thought of Solas-Rafiki again and giggled, ignoring Solas's impatient sigh. 

_Fine, fine._ She sobered, considering. She needed this if she had any hope of surviving here. She took a deep breath, released it gradually. Her thoughts turned quiet and she focused on a singular point within herself. _Find it._ Soon, the sounds of the meadow around her became little more than white noise fading into the background. She took another breath.

As she exhaled, it started as a gentle heat somewhere around her belly, comforting, which quickly spread through her limbs as soon as she noticed. It felt akin to if she had stuck her finger into a light socket, but on every limb, every inch of her and without the pain, only the thrill of it. She gasped. It felt...It felt. Like she had found a limb she hadn't known she was missing. Like...It felt right, like it fit, like it had always been. It settled over her skin. She could feel it around her too. Could feel it coming from Solas. She focused on it some more, willing it to stay. And she felt it respond, felt it thrum against her, growing stronger and stronger. Ash opened her eyes.

Her skin was crackling with electricity. It struck her then that she couldn't bring herself to be afraid of it. It was raw power and it should have scared her but... It was _hers_. She looked at Solas as she felt her magic grow stronger still. He was watching her then, frowning as if seeing something he hadn't expected. Ash opened up the palm of one hand, willed a shape, and curled her fingers inward, lighting shooting from her fingertips to form a ball at the center. She hummed softly.

"This is...unexpected," Solas said.

Ash released her hold on the ball and it dissipated, she then focused on letting the sparks away from her skin. They did eventually, but she could now feel her magic lingering like a second skin on top of hers. If she thought of it, it would come. She smiled. She tilted her head. "What?" she asked. "Is--is something wrong?"

Solas shook his head. "No, quite the opposite," he said. "It seems you are more able than I expected, considering." Ash's confusion must have shown on her face, because Solas continued, "Your magic. It is stronger than I would have believed possible, for many reasons." Ash beamed at him.

"Hell yes!" she said laughing. The adrenaline rush was making her feel dizzy. She felt liberated. She could actually _do_ something. She didn't have to sit in Skyhold worried and afraid about everything. Even if the others didn't trust her or accept her, she didn't have to worry about protecting herself. From whoever. She no longer felt useless. Solas, surprisingly, looked amused.

"Let us practice a bit more," he said. "That was electricity, but I want you to now try calling other elements to you."

Ash nodded, still grinning. This gave her a fighting chance. 

  


* * *

  


Ash had been pretty much ecstatic for the whole ride back to Skyhold. Lingering affects from the rush of her mana. She felt like she could actually feel things, see things, for the first time. Energy was thrumming on her skin. It was an odd experience, but a pleasant one. She helped Solas tend to the horses and then informed him that she would be celebrating her victory at the tavern. He declined to join her (she hadn't expected or wanted him to do otherwise) and she practically skipped the whole way there. Magic was cool, she had decided. If she was here, she might as well find things to enjoy about it. She was careful to stay out of the range of Cassandra, she wanted to celebrate, not talk to people about how they were suspicious of her. Varric and Bull were talking together just outside the door and she waved at them before joining. Dorian, Varric, Bull, and Cole liked her at least. She could live with that.

"Well aren't we a lovely ball of sunshine?" Varric said. "What got into you?"

Ash smiled. "My magic," she said and raised a hand, calling a small flame into it. "I can do tricks now."

Varric chuckled. "Don't get too carried away. I like the things around me not being on fire. And me, specifically."

"Pssh," Ash said. "I would never set you on fire Varric." She let her little flame leave her.

Varric shook his head. "And yet, I remain not reassured," he said smiling. "Need something?"

"Yes," she said. "I need you both to celebrate with me. Preferably now, in there, with liquor."

Iron Bull laughed. "Now you're talking," he said. "Come on, first round's on me."

"Well, when you say it like that," Varric said. "Alright, I have time to kill." The three of them walked into the tavern and found an empty table.

"Krem!" Bull called out. "Come join us." Ash turned to look at Krem, standing in his corner, not sitting or standing in the chair (she was disappointed at that). He looked at them.

"Sorry, Chief," Krem replied. "Much as I'd like to babysit your gigantic drunk arse, I'm waiting for someone. Some of us have things to do."

Bull grinned. "Ah well," he said. "Worth a shot. Anyway..." He raised his hand up to call for drinks. Once there, each of them quickly raised their mug.

"To me!" Ash said and drained her cup. Iron Bull and Varric both burst out laughing at her declaration. It was going to be a fun night.

* * *

Varric had left a few minutes ago, saying he had writing to do or something, and it left Ash and Iron Bull at their table. They had been drinking all night and were both _very_ drunk. Ash's vision was blurring and she hadn't stopped smiling for over an hour. He was currently telling her a story about killing a dragon with the Inquisitor. From the description, it sounded to Ash like it had been the one in the Hinterlands.

"Then, after the fireball, Boss just _runs_ straight at it," he said, grinning. "We didn't know what the hell she was thinking, and I remember the Seeker getting pissed off, but then she jumped and landed on it's nose. Then she took her staff and _bam_ right in the eye." He took a drink. "It was awesome."

"And you think that's exciting?" she asked. "You have a weird sense of fun." She took another drink, her head was starting to swim a little bit and she shook it in an attempt to clear it.

Iron Bull seemed to notice. "It's getting late," he said. "You've probably had enough." He took her mug from her and laughed when she frowned at him. "I think you should head back inside. Get some sleep."

Ash stuck her tongue out at him. "Fine, mom," she said and attempted to stand. She lost her balance and landed back on her chair. "Whoops."

Iron Bull shook his head and stood up. "Alright, come on," he said and pulled her up by the arm. Ash got her footing and then pulled her arm away.

"Geez, mom, stop worrying," she said and started walking towards the door. Iron Bull was following her.

"Nuh-uh," he said. "No way am I missing you stumbling around like this." Ash gave him the finger and he laughed again. He laughed so easily, like everything was exciting. Ash liked it.

"I remember you saying that I handle my liquor very well," she said. "I don't need you to babysit me."

"Just think of it as me getting my kicks for the night," he said. "Plus, I don't think you know where you are right now." She stopped walking and looked at him. He pointed. "You're going the wrong way." She looked. So she was. She had walked past the steps into Skyhold and was headed down towards the area near the gate. It also looked like everyone was asleep. _What time is it?_

"Whoops," she said and turned around only to collide with Bull. She fell backwards onto her ass. It suddenly struck her that she was making an idiot out of herself. She cursed. Bull's hand came into view and she took it, thanking him once she was back on her feet.

"See?" he said. "This is priceless."

"Oh, bite me," she said, sticking her tongue out at him once again. She should work on her comebacks.

"You might wanna be careful what you wish for," he said, voice low. Ash stared. _Oh._ She felt a sudden heat pool in her belly and she blushed. She really was drunk and he was hitting on her again. Then, she grinned. 

"Or what?" she asked, taunting and instantly felt a twinge of regret at saying it. It wasn't really the time to joke around. It seemed like Bull was being serious. _What am I doing?_

Bull didn't answer and Ash risked taking a look at his face. _...oh._ He slowly started walking towards her and Ash walked backwards. She only stopped when she felt her back hit the stone wall. Bull pressed his right arm into the wall above her.

"You really wanna go there?" he asked. In the back of her mind Ash was surprised. She had thought his flirting had just been that--harmless.

"Maybe," she said. _Seriously, what are you doing? Stop. Go home; you're drunk_. Her mouth was not listening to her brain.

Iron Bull leaned down towards her some more and she was all too aware of his breath on her face before he crushed her into a kiss. She groaned and began to respond to it. She moved her lips against his eagerly. Her arms went up to place her hands on his chest and she traced a few of the rough scars she found there. His free hand went to hold her hip in place. Bull lingered for a moment, then caught her bottom lip in between his teeth and bit down. Hard enough to hurt a little, but not any more than that. He pulled back, stepping away from her. Ash took a second to get her breathing back under control before she opened her eyes and searched his face. She was wide-eyed and blushing. He winked.

"Priceless," he said. "Go get some sleep. I think you're coming back to reality now." He started walking away and Ash leaned against the wall for support. She closed her eyes, trying to ignore the heat she was feeling. _Oh_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slooooww burn. :3
> 
> Well, let me know what you think?  
> And yes, that was Ash being silly drunk.
> 
> I had fun trying to describe Ash getting her magic and tried to set it up as a meditation sort of deal. Also, I _may_ have used my own personal feelings for Blackwall, and I'm sorry if any of you don't like how Ash thought of him. But this is my fic!
> 
> Also, as promised, what I had in mind when I picture Ash:  
> http://imgur.com/W0M4Ict
> 
> (I ended up using a shit-ton of italics, didn't I?)


	7. I Don't Know Nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I don't know nothing about that_   
>  _In fact I don't know nothing at all_   
>  _I'm tired of proving you right_   
>  _By doing everything so wrong_   
>  _So tell me what you really want_   
>  _'Cause I don't wanna be_   
>  _I don't wanna be alone."_   
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorrysorrysorry for the delay! And that this chapter is so short. I encountered a terrible spell of writer's block. But, here you go! (I also split this chapter into two parts, the second of which is almost done).

Ash's thoughts the next morning were far from friendly. Up until last night, Ash had thought that all of Iron Bull's flirting had been harmless. She thought it to be just something he did on a regular basis--to anyone. Just because it had been directed at her hadn't meant anything. She had never picked him as a romance option in-game, and what's more, she had no idea what happened during said romance. Obviously, it being harmless had never been the case. It was...unexpected. She couldn't think of any reason he would be interested in _her_ especially, much less that he would want...well. Maybe sex _was_ all he wanted? Yeah. That had to be it; she was reading too much into it. And if she was honest... Ash remembered the feel of his chest beneath her hands, warm and unexpectedly smooth in between the scattered roughness of his scars. How he had towered over her--her back pressed against a wall. Iron Bull was huge. Some of the heat she had felt last night returned, and her face lit up. She imagined that she could combust any second. _Damn it._ She put her head in one of her hands, elbow propped on her knee, and ran her other hand through her hair. She frowned a bit when she felt how greasy it was. Ash made a face, realizing she hadn't bathed in a couple days. Well, a bath could be a welcome distraction. She stood from the bed, noticing then that she had fallen asleep in her clothes. She shook her head. _Get it together_. 

Outside her room, she carefully approached a serving girl in the middle of balancing a tray on one arm. "Excuse me?" Ash called. The girl started, turning to face her. Ash noticed at once that she was an elf--huge brown eyes stared back at her from a tiny, freckled face. Ash smiled reassuringly. "Hi, I'm Ash," she said. She pointed to her room. "If it's alright, I was wondering if I could have a bath there? I don't want to trouble you; I don't know who else to talk to about that."

The elven girl smiled lightly. "I'll fetch someone for you my lady," she said softly. "Would you like some soap too?"

Ash beamed back. "Yes, please," she said. "I forgot about that." The girl bowed a little and quickly left. Ash went back to her room to wait. She lit every candle she could find in the process. 

It hadn't taken them long, to Ash's surprise. While Ash watched from her desk, a small team brought in a tub, followed immediately by buckets full of steaming water. They laid out soaps and towels for her before bowing and closing the door behind them. Ash wasted no time in undressing and sinking into the water. She sighed contentedly as the steam hit her muscles, soothing away any soreness. At home, she had always defaulted to a shower to relieve stress. Her friends thought it was a little weird, but Ash couldn't help it. Water relaxed her, and showers were the easiest to get to. She turned to one of the bottles, opening it and sniffing. She was pleased to find that it was a mix of something slightly vanilla-like and something flowery. She assumed it was for her hair.

Ash was half-way between working the liquid into her hair when someone knocked on her door. She paused. "Yes?" Ash called.

"It's Syana," came the response. "Could you come by the tavern once you're done? I need your advice on something." Ash frowned, wondering if it was about what she thought it was.

"Sure," she said. "I'll be there soon."

  


* * *

  


Ash had dressed quickly, in the only clothes she had, and had left her long hair down to dry. She left, walking quickly towards the tavern. Syana and Varric were waiting for her. She looked at Varric as he adjusted one of his gloves. Yup. Ash knew.

"No doubt you know what this is about," Syana said. "But secrecy is key at the moment. I don't want word getting to Cassandra just yet." Ash nodded.

"You and me both," Varric muttered under his breath.

"Where is he?" Ash asked. 

Varric pointed up to the battlements behind him. "Let's get this over with?" he said and the three began walking up the steps. 

Ash couldn't help the intake of breath she had when she saw the back of that familiar armor, complete with twin daggers, topped by the familiar head of jet black hair mussed in all directions. At their approach, the man turned and smiled. She had to fight an impulse to gawk. He was _gorgeous_.

"Varric hadn't told me this was going to be a party," he quipped.

"Well, Hawke," Varric said. "I hadn't known before now." Varric cleared his throat. "Inquisitor, meet Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall."

"Though I don't use that title much anymore," Hawke said, smiling wryly.

"Hawke, the Inquisitor," Varric continued. "I figured you might have some friendly advice about Corypheus. You and I did fight him, after all." Sythari extended her hand. Hawke grasped it and shook, grinning. 

"Pleased to meet you Inquisitor Lavellan," Hawke said. He turned and his eyes were suddenly on Ash. Ash met his icy blue gaze and smiled. 

"Hello, Hawke," she said. "I'm Ash. It's nice to meet you in person." Hawke raised a brow.

"Odd choice of words," he said. "But nice to meet you as well. Are you..."

"She's sort of the Inquisitor's newly appointed personal advisor," Varric said. "Syana thought you were important enough for her to be here."

Hawke laughed dryly. "Oh, now I do feel special."

Ash shrugged her shoulders. "I'm glad I could help." Hawke regarded her thoughtfully before giving her a wide grin. He leaned his back against the battlements, turning his gaze once more to Syana.

Syana crossed her arms. Ash watched, fascinated, as the scene she had seen many times replay right in front of her. She felt surreal, even though she knew she probably shouldn't by this point. "You've already dropped half a mountain on the bastard. I'm sure anything I can tell you pales in comparison," Hawke said, sighing. 

"Oh, I don't know," Syana said. "You did save a city from a horde of rampaging Qunari." Ash heard Varric chuckle under his breath. 

"I don't see how that really applies...or is there a horde of rampaging qunari I don't know about?" Hawke responded.

Syana smiled, glancing knowingly towards Ash for a moment. Ash's eyes narrowed. "There's _a_ qunari," she said and Ash fought back a blush. _Dammit._ This blushing business was starting to get on her nerves. "He almost qualifies as a horde all by himself. Fortunately, he's on our side."

"So, then, what can I tell you?" Hawke said, deflating a bit. His humor seemed to have gone slightly. 

"Varric said that you fought Corypheus before," Syana said. At this, Varric took a deep swig from a bottle. He then waved it in Ash's direction. She accepted gladly, aware that she was largely irrelevant at the time being. She sniffed it and was pleased to discover that it was wine. Her and the bottle perched themselves atop the battlement wall and Ash gazed out at Skyhold, listening with one ear.

"Fought and killed. The Grey Wardens were holding him, and he somehow used his connection to the Darkspawn to influence them." Varric relinquished full control of the bottle of wine to Ash before joining the Inquisitor and Hawke. 

"Corypheus got into their heads," Varric said. "Messed with their minds. Turned them against each other."

"If the Wardens have disappeared," Hawke said quickly. "They could have fallen under his control again." Syana seemed a bit taken aback at this. She turned to face Ash. Hawke frowned. 

"Ash?" Syana said. "Care to chime in?"

Ash was mid bottle-swig and she quickly pulled it away from her mouth, coughing slightly. "Sorry," she said. "This is serious, I know." She sighed. "Well, yeah, that's exactly what Corypheus is doing."

"Can we free them?" Syana asked.

"It's possible," Hawke said. "But we need to know more first." At that, all eyes were on Ash. She fiddled with her nails. She cleared her throat.

 _Here it goes._ She sent a silent prayer that she wouldn't fuck things up beyond repair before saying, "Corypheus is somehow...using the warden calling. He's sending out a fake one to control wardens. Presumably all of them." Ash paused, thinking. She had to avoid mentioning the orb for the time being. "I'm not sure how he does it," she continued. "My only guess is that it has something to do with the fact that he was one of the original magisters. You know, the ones that went into the 'Golden City.' That, and the red lyrium he's blighted with. A lot of all this is connected to that lyrium." There was a long silence. Ash looked at the ground, closing her eyes tightly. She hoped she hadn't said too much. 

"One of _those_ magisters?" Syana breathed out. "That can't be possible. He said as much at Haven, but I hadn't believed him. You're sure?" Ash looked at her and shrugged her shoulders. It was, but no doubt that might be a little hard to digest. She assumed the questions would come later. Varric grabbed the bottle from her again.

Hawke looked skeptical. "Whatever he is, Corypheus influenced the Wardens' thoughts from inside his prison. He sent them after me," Hawke said slowly.

"We've encountered the red lyrium," Syana said quietly. "Corypheus was using it to corrupt the Templars and turn them into his slaves."

"Shit," Varric said.

"I've got a friend in the Wardens," Hawke said as if in thought. "His name is Stroud. I had been having him investigate red lyrium for me. The Templars in Kirkwall had been using it." He paused, his face turning serious. "The last time we spoke, he was worried about corruption in the Warden ranks. Since then, nothing."

"Corypheus would certainly qualify as corruption in the ranks. Did your friend disappear with them?" Varric asked.

Hawke shook his head, hair swishing about. "No," he said. "He told me he'd be hiding in an old smuggler's cave near Crestwood. Hopefully, he will know more." Hawke was then looking full on at Ash--sizing her up, trying to figure out who or what she was. Hawke didn't seem the type to make his questions public, however, Ash knew she would need him on her side too. She could feel the pressure in his gaze as he looked at her. She looked Varric in the eyes, silently giving permission to share her story with the Champion. Varric nodded.

Syana tugged at the end of her short braid. "I appreciate the help," she said.

"I'm doing this as much for myself as for you," Hawke responded. "Corypheus is my responsibility. I thought I'd killed him before. This time, I'll make sure of it." Ash's heart sank at his words, the events that were to come all too present in her mind. She would have to try and stop that.

"You said you thought you killed Corypheus before?" Syana said.

Hawke made a frustrated sound, shrugging his shoulders. "I didn't just _think_ I killed him. When the fight was done, he was dead, on the ground. "Maybe his tie to the Blight brought him back. Or maybe it's Tevinter magic, but he was dead. I swear it."

Ash shook her head. "You _did_ kill him," she said. "But...do you remember Larius? Somehow Corypheus possessed him at the last second. Kind of like how the Archdemon soul can transfer to another Darkspawn." She shut up. She had said too much. That was one of the secrets of the Order. _Shit._ Or was it? She had no idea how much they knew about the wardens. From what had happened in Inquisition, Ash was guessing very little, but...

"Are you some kind of mind reader?" Hawke asked incredulously. "Andraste's tits--how do you know all that? You couldn't possibly..."

"I'll catch you up on that, Hawke," Varric said, clapping his friend on the arm. "Don't worry; she's harmless."

Hawke made a face, but seemed to accept the answer for the time being. There was a short silence before Syana cleared the air.

"Well, I had better organize this plan for Crestwood," she said. "Ash? Come with me."

Ash slid from the wall, landing on her feet lightly. She smiled and nodded towards Varric and Hawke before following Syana down the steps.

"Wonderful," she heard Hawke mutter from behind her, followed by Varric's snort.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make Sarcastic Hawke a little more light-hearted. Maybe it's just me, but in-game, he/she just seemed so sad and that was not at all how I wanted my snarky Hawke to act. So this is wishful thinking. 
> 
> I also took direct dialogue from the game, with some slight tweaking to make it fit (all credit on that end to BioWare).  
> Next chapter will probably be at Adamant or right before it. Either way, within the next two chapters. And the Fade team is going to be the one that gave me the most laughs/interest, because that's what I want to write :3. (Ash talking to the Fear demon should be interesting, it might take me a bit to write correctly),
> 
> Also, as for Ash withholding some info, it's just due to the fact that she doesn't want to reveal too much at once, out of concern of how far that will alter the time-line. And don't you worry, things will definitely take a non-canon route, just not completely. I feel like if I did it completely differently, it wouldn't be Dragon Age Inquisition.


	8. A Bit Too Heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bam. The other piece to what was released yesterday.

Meeting Dagna had been...Well. the girl was cute, Ash would give her that. But it was nearly impossible to try and keep track of what she was saying. This of course coming from someone who knew all of Dagna's secrets and had played a part in getting her into the Circle in the first place. After A LOT of questions (some of which made Ash worried about her skin, literally), Dagna announced to Syana that she would set to work on a staff for Ash and it would be ready later that day. Ash had been excited, but also a little nervous. If she was getting a staff...it meant that she would have to be fighting. Or that Syana intended to take her along on missions. And _that_ was disconcerting. She had wanted to help, but didn't think that help would mean actual fighting. She had no idea how to do that. Ash made a mental note to argue her way out of it.

But not long after, the Inquisitor went to the war room to plan her trip to Crestwood to meet with Hawke and the warden. Stroud, Ash corrected herself. If this was following her world choices, Alistair would be king and her warden would be happily wandering about with Zevran in between whatever else. It occurred to her then that she hadn't actually verified any of this with anyone. She frowned. She would have to talk to Varric about it later. 

Ash didn't quite want to go back to her room just yet. It then occurred to her that she was going to have to figure out something to do in her free time. Back home, she would read, sometimes jog, in between watching T.V. or playing games. Considering the lack of anything electronic, she would have to make do with the first two options. Readying herself, she walked out onto the battlements, intent on jogging.

On her third pass (she had just been jogging in circles above the stables), someone cleared their throat from behind her. She stopped turning to see Cassandra stand there, eyebrow raised. "What are you doing?" she asked.

Ash was panting. "Exercising," she said. "I can't stay inside all day. I'd go insane."

Cassandra's eyebrow did not move. "Then why not go to the training grounds? This...running in place that you're doing doesn't seem that effective."

Ash shook her head. "I...don't know how to hold a sword. I don't have any weapons training. I'd make an ass out of myself if I went there."

Cassandra looked incredulous. "You've never been trained with a sword? What kind of life have you had?"

Ash laughed. "Not from around here, remember? Back home, no one needed swords or anything. No one used them anymore."

Cassandra made a noise and grabbed Ash's arm. "This will not stand. You are a woman, you should be able to defend yourself. Even more so if you are to help us. You cannot be left so defenseless."

Ash tried to get her arm out of Cassandra's grip, but it was like iron. "Where are you trying to take me?" She was being dragged down the battlement steps.

Cassandra did not pause in her steps. "To train you. The idea that you cannot even hold a sword is utterly ridiculous." 

Ash stammered. "I--okay," she said. "You can let go of my arm. I'll go with you." Cassandra did stop then, to release her. Ash laughed. "I didn't realize you cared so much."

Cassandra scowled. "I care about this Inquisition. If you are to be a part of it, you need to be at your best." Ash shrugged.

"If you say so," she said lithely. Cassandra was a softie, as much as she tried to hide it. "Lead the way." And they continued towards the grounds.

* * *

As could have been expected, Cassandra was kicking her ass. Not in a literal sense, but in every other way. First, she had spent the majority of her time lecturing Ash on the proper way to hold a sword. Then, telling her to swing it in the exactly correct motion until she got it right. Everything was repeated until it was exactly right.

"No, again," Cassandra said with her arms crossed for what had to be the thousandth time. Ash was exhausted.

She lifted the sword, her arms shaking slightly with the effort and swung it heavily towards the practice dummy. Seriously, why did swords have to be so damn heavy? Her failure earned another noise from Cassandra. In any other setting, Ash would have found it intimidating, but the exhaustion she was feeling was too much for anything else. 

"Hey, Seeker. Why don't you give her a sec to catch her breath?" Iron Bull said. Ash turned to watch him walk towards them. Ash lowered the sword, tip digging into the ground. He stopped short in front of her. "Seriously, sit down. You look like you're about to fall over." Ash let the sword drop and sank onto the ground. 

"Do I really need to know how to do this?" Ash asked. "I'm going to be swinging a staff around, not a sword."

"It couldn't hurt," Iron Bull said. "It would probably help you in the long run. What if your staff breaks, or you lose it in a fight? And you see a sword lying on the ground while someone's coming at you? Knowing how to use it would keep you alive."

Ash laid back onto the grass. "Alright, alright," she said. "But I've been at this for hours, and I'm still not doing it right."

"You only need more practice," Cassandra said.

"And you need to stop holding it like it's going to bite you," Iron Bull said. "You're in control. It won't bite unless you let it."

Ash mulled that for a few moments, then stood, grabbing the sword as she went. "Okay," she said, using a strong grip and facing the practice dummy. She took a deep breath and steeled her nerves. She swung the sword upwards in an arc, knocking the dummy back a bit with the force when it connected.

"See?" he said. "Like that." Ash smiled a little.

"Again," Cassandra said. Iron Bull laughed.

"Glad I'm not on your bad side Seeker," he said, leaning on the wall. Cassandra paid him no attention and looked at Ash impatiently. Ash sighed. It was going to be a long day. She lifted her arms again.

* * *

The sun had gone down when Cassandra had told her to stop. Her and Iron Bull spent all afternoon giving her tips and helping her with footwork and sword motions. By the end, Ash had started to feel like she was making a little progress. She was currently walking with Syana to one of the small tables scattered around the main hall. There was some cheese, bread, meat, and wine waiting for them. Solas and Varric already sat at it, talking together. Ash glanced at the scaffolding and the few soldiers that were walking about. Syana sat next to Solas without saying anything. Ash noticed how the Inquisitor's body turned ever so slightly towards Solas. Ash smiled. She wondered if the Fade kiss had happened yet. Hopefully, that was something she could preserve as well.

"Well, you made an impression on Hawke," Varric told Ash as she took a seat across from him. 

"Is that a good or a bad thing?" Ash asked.

"Little bit of column a, bit of column b," Varric said. "It's not that he doesn't trust you or anything. But, he's not one to leave questions unanswered. His best and worst character trait."

Ash pursed her lips. "As long as he doesn't direct the force that was Champion at me, I'm good." She reached for some of the bread.

"Inquisitor," Solas said. "I hear that we are to go to Crestwood?"

Syana paused from eating what she had quickly shoveled onto her plate, much to Ash's amusement. "Yes," she said. "You and Varric. I'm trying to decide who else to take. Aside from Ash, of course." She had said that last so casually, that it took Ash a few seconds to process. She paled. 

"S--Syana," she stammered. "Me? I--I don't think that's the best idea." She hadn't had much of a chance to tell the Inquisitor what was going to happen with the wardens. Or the fact that she didn't want to fight. The Inquisitor had been busy for the past couple days, likely making preparations.

"What did you think I was giving you a staff for?" Syana asked. "And armor? Those are things that people who plan on fighting typically need."

Ash couldn't find her voice to respond. This drew the attention of Dorian, who had chosen that moment to join them. He sat next to Ash.

"You don't look so good," he said to her. "Are you alright? Is it the food? It can't be that terrible."

"Hey?" Varric said to her. "You're starting to freak me out. What's going on?"

"I--" Ash said. "I didn't think I would be _fighting_. When I said I would help...I thought I would be an adviser or something. I've never fought anything or anyone in my life." She paled a little at the thought of actually killing someone.

"Seriously?" Dorian said. "Never?"

"Cassandra showed me the right way to hold a sword today," Ash responded. "Yes, never."

Syana frowned. "You know everything that will happen. Having you actually out helping as a part of my team would be invaluable."

"I agree with her, actually," Varric said. "Besides, we wouldn't let anything happen to you."

Ash shook her head, not reassured at all. Syana placed a hand on her arm. "I'll have everyone I can train you. Thedas's best are here. You'll be fine." She paused. "I won't take you to Crestwood; that's about a week's worth of travel. Use that time to hone your skills. I'll have Cullen, Solas, and Cassandra work on a plan for that."

Ash realized she couldn't argue. Syana had a point. Ash could do more good actually consulting her on missions. She frowned.

"It's not so much that, as it is the fact that I would have to kill. A person. As much as they might want to kill me back." Ash shuddered.

"Don't be so glum," Dorian said. "You might find that you enjoy lighting things on fire. Bit of a stress relief really. Especially if they try to kill you first." Ash turned one corner of her mouth up, in a poor attempt at a smile for their sakes. This place really was different.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts? Concerns? Next chapter will be Adamant, me thinks.
> 
> <3 and hugs and as always, thanks for reading! (Your comments keep me going, honestly).


	9. Caught in an Undertow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I shouldn't make plans---I never stick to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"I like songs about drifters - books about the same._   
>  _They both seem to make me feel a little less insane._   
>  _Walked on off to another spot._   
>  _I still haven't gotten anywhere that I want._   
>  _Did I want love? Did I need to know?_   
>  _Why does it always feel like I'm caught in an undertow?"_   
> 

Dorian's words had impacted her in a way she hadn't expected. Killing. It was easy for them wasn't it? Taking a life without thinking about it. Or so she thought. The way Dorian spoke of it so casually. Was it really all there was to it? Kill or be killed? Ash shuddered. For the first time since she had wound up in Skyhold, she felt out of place. She felt afraid. This wasn't like her life. This wasn't home. Taking a life held a lot of weight. Sure, in video games that was easy. But it wasn't real. And this, this was turning out to be real. More real than she had expected. And the thing was, none of them would be able to understand where she was coming from. How little death had touched her life would seem strange to them. She turned where she lay wide awake on her bed, vaguely aware of the early morning light filtering through her door. She hadn't been able to sleep all night; her mind was running much too fast for that. _Solas._ She had to talk to him. If anyone could figure out how to get her home, it was him. Maybe this was some weird Fade thing and _that_ was the key to her getting home. She had to go home. Now. She rose and left her room quickly.

"Solas?" she called softly, not wanting to alert half of Skyhold's library to her presence. Solas was bent over his desk, looking over some book, with his back to her. He straightened at her voice and turned. When his eyes fell on her, he squared his shoulders and his hands clasped together in front of him. His eyebrow rose, a question. Ash took a breath. "I--I was wondering if I could, um, talk to you?" she managed to say. Her thoughts were muddled at the moment and coherent speech was hard to come by. His shoulders relaxed ever so slightly.

"What would you like to speak of?" he asked.

Ash glanced upwards where she knew Leliana and her ravens were waiting and watching. "Perhaps, somewhere...more...less, rather, open?" she asked. "If that's alright."

Solas appeared to think for a moment and then inclined his head. "Very well," he said. "If you like." He followed behind her when she left for the stables and up to the battlements there. She leaned against the cold stone wall on her elbows. She could feel Solas standing close enough on her right.

"Do you think you could figure out how to send me home?" she asked. "I know it was brought up, but..." Ash chewed her lip, thinking.

Solas raised an eyebrow. "Yes," he said. "Though I was unaware you wanted to leave so badly. I had thought you wanted to stay. To help."

Ash looked down, resisting the urge to pace. In that moment she thought she understood how a caged animal felt. "I know," she said. "And I do want to help. I'll still do what I can. But I don't belong here Solas. I hadn't given myself time to really think about it, but I--" She sighed, overcome with sudden emotion. She strained to keep it from showing in her voice. "Everything's different. And I don't mean just the magic thing. I mean, the way everyone thinks. How everyone's ready for danger all the time or something. How easy it is for people to...kill. It's too much for me. I've never had to feel like that. I've never...." She couldn't find the words to continue.

"This is sudden," he said. "Forgive me. But have you thought this through? I know you will likely return to your world eventually. But you seem upset. Perhaps this is a decision for later?"

Ash mulled his words over and sighed. He was right. She was jumping to a decision. Her emotions were ruling her and she wasn't even sure exactly which emotions they were. She let out a shaky breath. "Okay," she said, shrugging her shoulders as if she could shrug off her worries. There was a span of time where neither of them said anything more, though Ash could feel Solas watching her. She shook her head and all but ran out away from him, off the battlements without warning. She needed to walk, to move.

* * *

Her restlessness brought her out to the Skyhold grounds and she kept walking aimlessly. She didn't want to stand still, she couldn't. Not with her mind in so much turmoil. Her emotions were a mess. On the one hand, she was homesick, more so than she ever had been. But on the other, she was frustrated that she was feeling this way. It made her feel weak and useless. She hated it. And she hated that she couldn't help it. She scowled, angry at herself and needing an outlet. She stalked over to the practice dummies. Thankfully, Cassandra was absent, along with what seemed like everyone else. It was still too early for anyone to be awake. Ash swung a fist at the practice dummy. The soft _thud_ that answered satisfied her immensely. She let another fist fly. Then another. And then she was punching, swinging her arms wildly, tears running down her face. She didn't ask for this. She didn't want this. This place. All of this. She wanted her house back, her cat, her friends. _Goddammit_. And it was all because of some stupid off-hand comment that she was blowing out of proportion. She stopped moving, hunched her shoulders over and realized she was out of breath. Her fists clenched and unclenched. _Goddammit_. 

"You get that all out of your system?" a rumbling voice came from behind her. She froze and turned to face him slowly. Iron Bull stood, arms crossed, watching her face intently. Probably looking for every single subtle shift in her emotions. It pissed her off. Ash didn't want him reading her or whatever it was that he did. She glared.

" _What?_ " she hissed at him. Then she cursed inwardly. She was acting like a child again. Bull hadn't done anything to her, he was just there, and that made him a target.

If Iron Bull was affected at all by her anger, he didn't show it. "Guess not," he said and uncrossed his arms. He tilted his head and planted his legs apart, hunching down slightly. "Alright. Come at me." Ash stared at him in disbelief, the wheels not turning fast enough. Iron Bull looked nodded his head towards the practice dummies. "Those obviously aren't helping all that much. And you need to hit something. So hit me." He held up a hand curling his fingers inward quickly in a 'come on' gesture. Her eyes narrowed. Here he was telling her what she needed with his stupid Ben-Hassrath crap. Iron Bull raised an eyebrow. "What?" he asked. "You think _you_ could hurt _me_?"

That did it. As obvious as it was that he was trying to bait her, it worked. Ash felt her body snap and then she charged at Iron Bull, her fist connecting with the belt around his stomach. And the fury that she had unleashed upon the dummies was once again channeled to Iron Bull. And he stood, still as a statue. She could tell her wild and un-aimed punches were barely affecting him and that made her angrier. She threw her whole body into it, furious. That time she connected with one of Bull's ribs and he grunted. She stopped, panting, the tension finally drained from her. Ash wiped at her forehead and face. She had been crying again. Ash took a few steps back, not letting herself look him in the face. She was extremely embarrassed. That had not been one of her finest moments and Bull got to see all of it. She stilled.

"Don't do that," Bull said. Ash's head snapped up to meet his gaze. "Don't tense up again. Relax." She frowned at him, not understanding how very unaffected he was by her display. "No judgment here," he continued. "You really needed that." After a moment, Ash's shoulders slumped. She shifted on her feet, unsure of what to say. A shadow fell across her field of vision and she looked up to find Iron Bull right next to her. He placed a hand on her shoulder. It was heavy. "You don't have to hold all that back. Probably shouldn't make a habit out of exploding like that."

"Sorry," she mumbled. "I didn't mean for--"

He squeezed her shoulder lightly. "Relax," he said. It seemed like that was the only thing he ever told her to do. "If you don't, you're going to let your emotions take you over. And they'll eat you."

That shocked her. Iron Bull was being...gentle? It seemed absurd to her. Iron Bull and gentle didn't seem to be two concepts that went together. Much less that he was concerned about her emotions. She had always seen him as light-hearted and not really appreciating talking about emotions, especially his own. He never really seemed to...She frowned. Had all this shown in his romance scenes? That was unfamiliar territory. Ash's eyes widened. If it showed in his _romance_ scenes then.... Suddenly she remembered their kiss and his hand seemed to become heavier.

Iron Bull squeezed her shoulder again, harder this time. Reprimanding. "Hey, wild-cat," Bull said, snapping her out of her train of thought. "Stop. That going still and tense thing that you do. It's not good." Ash blinked.

"Why?" she asked. "How did you....why are you..." She couldn't seem to put the words together as mentally drained as she was. And she hadn't expected Iron Bull to be the one to comfort her.

"Ben-Hassrath training remember?" he said and let go her shoulder. He turned and walked to one of the trees, motioning for her to follow. He sat down against it and Ash debated before joining him. "Grew up learning how to manipulate people," he continued. "When it's a hostile target, you give them what they want. But when it's someone you care about, you give them what they _need_." He turned to level her with a stare. Ash's brain went still, before her face erupted in a blush.

She laughed, embarrassed. "Hostile, huh?" she said. "That's fair. I did get a little crazy. And I _really_ wanted to hit things." She was looking anywhere except Bull's face.

"Hmm, but I think that's what you needed," he answered. _Oh dear_. She held her breath. _Iron Bull_ was sitting next to her, all but directly claiming that he cared about her.

"I---" she managed at last. "I...um." She fidgeted with her hands. The silence was choking her.

Iron Bull huffed out a small laugh. "I won't do anything you're not okay with," he said. "If anything I do or say makes you uncomfortable, just say the word, and it stops."

Her face was in flames. "But...why?" she asked. "Why _me_? You don't even know me? It doesn't make sense."

"Slow down," he said. "Yeah, I care about you a bit. You're a person. I like helping out. Ever hear about how I met Krem?" Ash nodded, remembering that that was how Bull lost his eye. "Does it have to make sense? Besides, I can tell you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Yet you act like you're all scared all the time. It's not you, though. And you're not even doing a good job at hiding it. I'm interested."

Bull never seemed to not surprise her. She was, again, at a loss for words. She was flattered, which was yet another unexpected thing to the long list that was turning into today. She shook her head. "I still--"

"There," he said. "That's your problem. You think too much. Trying to logic your way through things that you can't. Stop."

Ash raised an eyebrow. "What?" she said. "Stop thinking?"

"Yes," he said simply. "Like about why you're here. Just admit that there are some things that don't make any sense. You'll feel better." Ash didn't respond. She was unsure what, if anything, she should say. And for once, she let herself stop thinking. She coughed.

"So, um," she said. "What did you have in mind?" She watched his face and he grinned.

"Well," he said and suddenly his face was close, his arms on either side of her. Ash was aware of the bark of the tree behind her and she held her breath again. He really liked pinning her against things. Her mind went in another direction at the thought. Ash's world narrowed to a singular point. Skyhold didn't exist. She closed her eyes. Bull's hand gripped her chin.

"Look," he said. Ash opened her eyes. Iron Bull was gazing at her, expression dark with some emotion that was alien to her. It set alarms off in her head. When his lips met hers, however, Ash's brain froze.

This wasn't the kiss they had shared a few nights ago, in the dark. No. This....this was something else entirely. She forgot how to breathe. Ash couldn't help when her arms snaked around Bull's neck, attempting to draw him impossibly close. His hands were just as busy. One glided down her neck from her chin, palm lightly skimming over one of her breasts, only to grip her waist tight. The other never left it's anchor on her hip, gripping her as if she could even fathom trying to get away from him in that moment. She felt her body mold itself against his chest, pliant where he might as well have been stone.

There was a roar in her ears. She was aware of nothing but their body heat and how _very_ much she wanted Iron Bull in that moment. The way he kissed her. Kissing had never been like this. She had never even glimpsed this sort of passion that she was finding Iron Bull to be capable of. Her head met the tree trunk, Iron Bull's teeth nipping at her lips. They parted and his tongue shoved its way into her mouth. Ash let out a noise from the back of her throat and Iron Bull responded with a throaty chuckle. Ash blushed, and tried her hardest to match him. She bit at his lips cautiously, shyly. Iron Bull's hand left her hip and pushed on the center of her chest. His mouth left hers and before she could complain of its absence, Bull's lips tugged at her neck. Ash tilted her head back, eyes seeing nothing but white. He nipped and licked down to her neckline and her arms went to her sides, fists forming to scratch at the ground.

Ash expected him, _wanted_ him, to tug her shirt downward, but she instead felt an absence of body heat. Her eyes opened to see that Bull had stood and was holding his hand out to her. Dazed, she took it and felt herself hauled up to her feet. She looked at him, blinking and all too aware of the heat flooding over and in her skin. 

Iron Bull smirked. "Think on it?" he said. "No strings attached." Ash could only nod at him as he walked away. She shivered. Dear god, she needed a dunk in a cold, cold bucket of water.

  


* * *

  


Ash twirled in place, feet stepping out a rhythm that she hadn't known was in her. She raised the staff over her head and gathered her magic in her palms. She thrust it forward, using the staff as one would use a lighting rod--then brought the tip to sink into the ground with force. The lighting arched out, the static standing her hair on its ends, and Ash watched satisfied as it hit the practice dummy. It promptly turned to smoldering. She relaxed her shoulders, her grip, and wiped her hair back from her face. She turned to Dorian and Solas and grinned.

"I'm getting good at this," she said, pleased with herself.

Dorian grinned back. "I told you you would like it," he said. "Your talent with a staff is remarkable considering you just discovered magic a week ago."

She shrugged. "I don't know," she said. "I'm gifted? Maybe it has something to do with how I got here in the first place." She accepted the water-skin that Dorian held out.

Solas inclined his head. "That is certainly possible. Be that as it may," he said. "These targets are stationary. There is a difference when they are moving. You still need practice." Ash sobered slightly. 

Dorian huffed. "Don't be a spoil sport Solas," he said. "Let her celebrate. Small victories and all that."

Ash shook her head. "No, he has a point," she said and smiled. "I won't let it get to my head too much. You all do want me to live, after all."

"Of course," Dorian said. "But you have gotten quite skilled this past week and there's not much more we can teach you." Dorian had a point. Since Syana had taken Varric, Blackwall, and Bull to Crestwood to meet with Stroud, Ash had done nothing but practice. She had been dividing her days between Cassandra and Cullen giving her combat/weapons training, and Dorian and Solas giving her any and all magical combat training. So far, she knew how to defend herself fairly well with a shield, but Cullen had found she did better with daggers than with a sword. And she wasn't even all that great with daggers either (i.e. she was slightly less useless with those over a sword), which was why Cullen suggested they focus on teaching her more defensive strategies rather than offense. Solas had her meditate for the first two days. He said that she should be better able to channel her magic at will. Once that had been dealt with, they had started staff work. This was when Dorian had joined, giving her pointers on how to wield it effectively (she still couldn't do so with his amount of style). Meaning Dorian taught her the full destructive potential of her magic. Overall, she had made immense improvements, and with that came an unshakable amount of confidence. She no longer felt weary by the prospect of having to join Syana in actual battles, about killing. She wanted to make the best of it. And like Bull had said (she was NOT thinking about him), she was only making it more difficult on herself by trying to think through every little detail. The pieces would fall where they would and all she could do is keep up.

Ash smiled at Dorian. "Thanks," she said. "I hope it's enough." 

Dorian patted her shoulder. "You'll be fine," he said. "You have plenty of time to get better anyway." He started steering her towards the Tavern. "How about some wine? Take a break."

Ash looked for Solas's reaction. He only shrugged his shoulders slightly. She took that as a yes and began walking with Dorian in earnest. Solas was being overly serious, but Ash could tell he was just trying to teach her to the best of his ability. It was more than she could have asked for considering what she knew and she didn't want to squander that. He hadn't said anything on the subject since their last conversation (something else she was glad he didn't comment on), and she had seen no reason to talk about either if he didn't feel the need to. No need to stir up unpleasantness. Scratching her hand, she relented to Dorian's shepherding. 

They were interrupted, however, by Cullen approaching the two of them. Dorian frowned.

"I don't suppose you're here to join us, Commander?" Dorian quipped.

Cullen shook his head and palmed the sword at his side. "Unfortunately no," he responded. "The Inquisitor has sent word that she is heading to the Western Approach." Cullen leveled his gaze on Ash. "She wants you to join her there. Both of you." Ash steeled her spine.

She looked at Cullen, then to Dorian who was gazing at her with open concern. She smiled at the latter of the two reassuringly. She was as ready as she would ever be at this point. She nodded. "When should we leave?"

Dorian laughed. "I _knew_ I liked you."

* * *

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, not that great writing wise, but I'm tired of staring at it.
> 
> This was the longest delay I ever hope to have, I swear. A lot went on in my personal life (*ahem*I got a real adult job, yay!). But! I'm back, and while updates might not be as fast as they were when I first started, there will not be a two-ish week (I hope it wasn't longer than that) gap between chapters.  
> So, I said Adamant, but...plans and I aren't friends and this chapter kind of had a mind of its own.  
> And I just want to say, all of you are awesome! I really love reading your comments and they honestly help spur me to keep writing this, so you all keep doing what you do! You're the best!  
> <3 and hugs.


	10. All's Fair in War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jumping right into action. Enjoy!

The sun was heavy on the back of Ash's neck. Her eyes squinted at the glare and she reached up a hand to wipe the sweat from her brow. She could barely focus on the pompous magister standing what seemed like a mile away from her, sneering down at them over a hook of a nose.

"Magister Livius Erimond of Vyrantium," he said sweeping into a mocking bow, short and over-flourished. "At your service, Inquisitor." His voice was very much like that of a snake; Ash was certain. She watched him with her eyes narrowed, saying nothing. She could feel her magic hum beneath her skin. She knew what was too come and her nervous energy only served to feed the heat in her bones.

Dazed, she was aware of Syana's indigence, she watched as the Wardens obeyed Erimond's words like some sick attempt at marionettes, she heard the curse that Varric and Hawke muttered in unision, the sharp intakes of breath from Dorian and Syana and Blackwall, and the _growl_ that came from Iron Bull's throat. She listened as Syana and Hawke voiced their protests and as Erimond taunted his responses at them.

"Ha!" Erimond barked. "Made them? No! Everything you see here? The blood sacrifices to bind the demons? The wardens did it of their own free will. Fear is a very good motivator, and the Wardens were very, very afraid."

Blackwall's face turned red. "That's a lie! They are heroes. The Wardens would never do this willingly!"

Syana's knuckles turned white on top of her leather wrapped staff. Ash felt her own magic flicker nervously from her fingertips. This was it. She looked at the Shade demons hovering by the wardens and shivered when she _felt_ the air they gave off...at its wrongness. She could hear them, hissing ever so softly with what she imagined must be the Fade. It pulled at her consciousness, beckoning to her. It disgusted her. Everything about it was...wrong.

Erimond raised his hands and suddenly Syana was on the ground. She cried out as her mark flared with green light. Ash stepped toward the elven woman, registering that Erimond still talked. Before she reached Syana, however, the Inquisitor stood, throwing her arm outwards and ripping the very air where Erimond stood in two. The force of the blast whipped Ash's braid from her shoulder. Iron Bull shifted to stand in front of her, arms reached for the axe across his shoulders. Her staff was already in her hands and her magic lit the crystal at the tip.

"Kill them!"

The rage demon roared and Ash brought her hands to her ears at the noise. It vibrated to her core, loud and intruding. Her teeth clenched tightly together, resisting with all of her being. Iron Bull shoved her roughly backwards, away from the advancing demons, and she would have fallen had the tip of her staff not caught the stones. She looked up and it was chaos all around her. Dorian and Syana both were furiously casting spells, they were a storm of movements. Hawke, she noticed, had disappeared into the shadows to stalk behind the demons. She noticed that none of them were eager to attack the wardens, Blackwall's face was set in stone as he blocked a Warden's blade with his shield. She stood, frozen in place. Solas had been right. Hitting practice dummies had not prepared her for this.

"Ash!" Varric yelled at her. Her eyes snapped to her left as a demon raised its skeletal arms, claws extended into knives and headed straight at her face. Her arms jerked forward and she watched the curved blade of her staff sink into the demon's chest. Fire laced down her arms and along her staff and licked at the demon before engulfing it in flame. The demon screamed. Ash cried out and twisted her staff deeper, forcing more fire into the demon. She wanted that noise to stop. It was likely to haunt her dreams. Then, the thing exploded.

Ash felt surreal as the gore of the demon rained around her. It burned lightly on the skin of her arms it peppered. But she was unable to think on it then. The adrenaline coursing through her body took over and she heard the sizzle of the lighting as it arched from her staff only to strike another demon in place. She surrendered as her body acted mechanically, separate from her. 

She heard Iron Bull's shout as the last Warden fell, and Ash stilled. It was over. Her staff fell from suddenly numb fingers to clatter loudly on the ground. She dropped to her knees with it, legs unable to hold her up. She could have died. It wanted to kill her. It almost did. A shaky breath made its way past her lips. She wondered vaguely if she had remembered to breathe this whole time. It felt like years had gone by. A calloused hand fell on her shoulder and she looked up the arm to the body it was attached to. It was Hawke.

"Are you alright?" he asked her. He was concerned and frowning. Whether from the sun or at her, she was unsure. Ash nodded, making no move to stand. Hawke pursed his lips. Dorian came into view, crouched beside her. His hand replaced Hawke's gently.

"Can't stand?" he asked. Ash shook her head. He nodded and sat beside her. He didn't say anything else, merely offered her the warmth of his company. Ash was thankful for it. She wouldn't have known what to say anyway. It was oddly comforting. 

Hawke went to join Syana and Blackwall before they promptly began arguing. She didn't pay attention. She knew as soon as she heard the word. Adamant. Syana wanted them to go there immediately. She would send ravens for Cullen's men to meet them there. It grew quiet once again and Ash continued staring at the cloudless sky, mind blank.

A shadow stepped into her peripheral. She started to see Iron Bull standing above her, arms crossed, eyebrow raised at her. "Need a hand?" he asked. Ash shrugged.

"My legs didn't want to work a few seconds ago," she said. 

Dorian had stood, she noticed and looked around at the faces set into grim lines, obviously intent to leave. She unfolded her legs and attempted to stand. Ash wobbled.

"Woah," Iron Bull said. He caught her one handed before she could fall back over. "That's that then." Once he was sure she was stable, he reached behind him to unclip his axe and lowered it to the ground. He knelt, back to her. "Hop on." Ash blinked and didn't move. Iron Bull turned his head. Ash opened and closed her mouth. She shook her head and walked forward where Iron Bull helped her climb onto his shoulders. He stood and Ash got a sense of vertigo once he was fully standing. She looked down at the others who were watching the two of them, mouths open in apparent disbelief. The silence lasted two of Ash's heartbeats before Syana broke into peals of laughter, Hawke grinned, Varric snorted, Blackwall shook his head, and Dorian wagged his eyebrows at Ash, grinning. Ash giggled.

Iron Bull twisted his head to grin at her as his hands curled around her calves. "That's better," he said. He looked back at Syana. "Well? What are we waiting for?"

Syana shook her head, eyes bright with mirth, before she started walking out of the ruined building. They all began to follow.

As Varric passed the two of them by he looked up at Ash, eyes sparkling. "Not exactly what I was picturing when you mentioned 'riding the Bull' Tiny, but I'll take it," he said smirking and kept walking, not letting them respond.

Ash blushed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, but think of it as a transition scene. :3  
> As always, thanks for reading!
> 
> Love and hugs! <3


	11. My Regrets Are Few

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day and night before Adamant. Ash briefs the team. Not much action, but some fluff. :3

Ash shifted on her feet. Syana had led her from her tent only to stand at the head of the small table that everyone was gathered around. Much like the last time she had done this, Ash was uncomfortable with all their eyes staring at her. So she contented herself with standing slightly behind Syana, as if it somehow made it better. 

"So, everyone," Syana said. "Tomorrow, we march on Adamant. Obviously." She coughed. "Since Ash here knows what is going to happen, I would like you all to hear exactly what she told me." The Inquisitor looked at them, her eyes hard. "Most of you will not like or believe what she is going to say." Sera snorted and Syana gave her a withering look before continuing, "That aside, I want you all to know what we're getting ourselves into." Syana turned to nod at Ash. Ash straightened and moved forward to stand directly beside Syana.

"Well, I...." she said. "I don't know how else to lead up to it, but..." Ash sighed before hardening her gaze and turning to look at the members of the Inquisition. Enough of letting herself be scared. "That magister in the Western Approach was right. The wardens are scared; enough that they would turn to Corypheus and his promise to help them."

"Impossible," Blackwall said. "That can't be right. The wardens wouldn't do such a thing."

"Do let her continue, dear," Vivienne told him. "We are all skeptical after all." Vivienne looked at Ash then. Her gaze wasn't hostile, it was blank. No doubt her Orlesian mask was in place-- she lived The Game, after all. But for a moment, Ash swore she saw something akin to curiosity lingering in Vivienne's eyes. She didn't know what to make of that.

"Yes," Ash said. "Look, I know. The wardens are supposed to be heroes with honor and all that stuff. But Clarel is scared and I hate to say it, but the magister had a point about fear motivating people. They're all scared. I'm not saying it's right, but it's why they've turned to this..." She paused, thinking about how to best approach the next subject. "Blood magic. Clarel is behind it. She thinks that it would help somehow. I don't really understand what logic she used to reach that conclusion, but that's the reality of it. She's convinced most of the other wardens, but there are a few that can be saved."

"So, we show up to the warden fortress, and what?" Varric asked. "You said a few, but I'm assuming the rest of them aren't going to be so welcoming."

Ash shook her head. "No, they're all going to fight us. To keep us from getting to Clarel. But, some wardens don't want to fight. If we offer them the chance to leave without us attacking them, they'll take it. But it won't be that many who will."

Blackwall cursed. Syana sighed. "At least we know what to expect," she said. "I don't like it either, but it seems we don't get a choice, do we?" She turned to Cullen. "We need to come up with a plan of attack." Cullen nodded. Syana smiled wryly and looked once more at her team. "You know what we have to do. Get rest and tomorrow, be ready. Dismissed."

One by one, everyone filtered back into camp. Ash glanced at Syana, who was now huddled together with Cullen and Leliana, no doubt figuring out how they wanted to time the approach. Ash turned on her heel and wandered. She didn't want to go back to her tent quite yet. She reached the edge of camp and looked up into the desert sky. Cloudless, and slowly turning golden as the sun began to set; it made her aware of how quickly tomorrow was going to come. She sighed and resumed walking. She hadn't quite made up her mind where she was going to go just yet, but she needed to get away from that camp. _Too much noise._ She looked at the rocky outcropping that shielded them from open desert. She wrinkled her face. _I could probably climb up there, right?_ She stopped in front of the rock she was staring at. A little above her head was a shelf of rock, probably 12 feet from the ground. It would make for the perfect spot for her to be alone. Ash started climbing and almost immediately, her foot slipped. _Of course._ She huffed. _Damn rock._

She made it to her little rock shelf, however. And puffing with pride, she brushed her hand off on her pant legs before laying on her back on the rock. Somehow it was hotter up there. She sighed. Well. Fighting. That was happening. She looked at the sky before shutting her eyes. _Well._

  


* * *

Ash woke suddenly to see stars above her. She jumped forward, only to wince as the muscles in her back protested the movement. Napping on a rock. That was something new. She rolled her head, trying to get her neck to crack. It refused to do so, however. _I might want to head back to camp._ She stood slowly, still lost in the last remnants of her unintended nap. She looked down. _Oh._ While she had relished the idea of getting up, she hadn't thought through exactly how she was going to get down. Ash bit her lip. She couldn't jump. Maybe she could...slide down, but control it? She sat and said a silent prayer before starting to slowly edge her way down the rock. It was not at all funny how fast she began to slide. She put her hand out by reflex and winced as she felt the rocks scrape away her skin. She landed on the desert sand with a thud, sore and likely bruised, but no real damage done.

"Having fun?" Varric chuckled. Ash looked up to see Varric with Bianca slung over one shoulder and a wide grin on his face. "You know, there was probably an easier way to do that."

Ash stood and looked at her hands. She saw several small cuts lined with dirt. She gingerly brushed them off on the hem of her tunic. "Probably," she huffed.

Varric shook his head. "Come on," he said. "We've been looking for you. Syana and Dorian are having an impressively terrifying collective fit." Ash laughed.

"Let's go before they go crazy," she said. 

"Have you met them?" Varric asked, laughing.

* * *

  


Ash gratefully plopped down in her tent, winded. Thankfully, she had been given a space slightly away from the rest of them... they-- Well. Syana and Dorian had been worried about her. Not that that was a bad thing, but. She discovered she had been gone around four hours and they had just about worked themselves into a frenzy trying to figure out where she had gone to. Dorian's face was priceless when Ash tried explaining that she had just taken a nap, no need to worry. It was red at first, his mouth had gaped open much like a fish gasping for water before the corners twitched, like he was struggling not to laugh. He had taken a breath, eyes crinkling at the edges before waving himself off and advising Ash that he wouldn't be able to handle a second scare like that. The stress would just _ruin_ his flawless face. Ash had snorted at that. Syana, however, was silent before she shook her head and held Ash's shoulder. She didn't say anything, but for the first time, it struck Ash how very much Syana cared about her. Ash had never thought it was something more than mild, curious concern, but Syana's face.... She couldn't shake that face.

Ash rolled to her side, curling around the only pillow she had. There was so much for her to think about. She knew that she wanted to go home, she missed it. But would being stuck here be so bad? She clutched the pillow tighter. _Damn._ Her thoughts weren't making any sense to her, so she shut her eyes.

There was a soft sound of moving fabric followed by a slight rush of air into the tent. Ash looked up quickly. Iron Bull was standing there, crouched under the tent flap he held out of the way. Ash sat upright.

"Hey," he said. "Mind if I come in?"

Ash blinked. She nodded and started to sit taller, almost missing Bull's grin. She smiled a little to herself and watched as Bull joined her. He folded himself into the tent somehow, and Ash was slightly impressed. She honestly didn't think those horns would have been able to not rip holes in the fabric. She raised an eyebrow. "Did you need something?" she asked.

Bull shrugged. "Just needed to get away from camp for a sec," he said and looked down at her. "Got a feeling you maybe were feeling sort of the same way." Ash smiled wryly. 

"I guess so," she said and leaned back against her pillows. "I need to get away from myself."

"Nah," Bull said. "You need to get a little more with yourself." Then he laughed. "That's a little too serious. I'm not trying to give you that kind of speech. Syana and Solas can handle that bit." He smiled at her, winking. "Thought maybe you would want to shoot the shit a little." He leaned back, folding his arms behind his head and stretching his legs out.

Ash was intensely aware of him in her space. The tent could fit the two of them, sure, but it wasn't like there was all that much space left. She shook her head to clear those thoughts from her mind. "Can't sleep?" she asked, amused.

Iron Bull laughed. "I don't see you sleeping either," he said. 

"Hm," she said. "Can't I guess. Lots of thoughts."

"Well, I'm pretty sure we've got all night," he looked at her then and waggled his eyebrows. Ash couldn't help the laugh that rumbled past her lips.

"How romantic," she said dryly and smiled when Bull laughed back.

  


* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will hopefully be up in the next couple of days :)
> 
> Gotta be honest, this story is starting to really take off and I'm equal parts impressed with myself and flattered by you guys (I'm not worthy). But seriously though, thanks for reading. I really and truly mean it.  
> <3 and hugs.


	12. I Know Where You're From

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *blushblushblush*  
> ...  
> ...(WARNING FOR MATURE CONTENT)  
> ...  
> And then, action.
> 
> But, woof. :D

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~ _"I know where you're from, but where do you belong?_  
>  _In this life like weeds, you're the dirt I'll breathe_  
>  _In this life like weeds, you're a rock to me_  
>  _All this talkin' all the time and the air fills up, up, up_  
>  _Until there's nothin' left to breathe_  
>  _And you think you feel most everything."_ ~

Ash awoke slowly, not quite wanting to open her eyes. Her neck felt stiff and she frowned. She realized then that she had no idea when she had fallen asleep. She turned to her side and blinked her eyes open. She didn't see the tent that she expected to see. Instead, she saw grey. Grey that was steadily rising and falling. She bolted up, her arm knocking against him in her haste. Iron Bull grunted.

"Good morning to you too," he said and rubbed at his ribs with one hand. His other arm was stretched out behind Ash. She realized why her neck had been so stiff. "You always this violent in the morning?"

Ash's heart was pounding as she stared down at him. He wasn't seemingly in an hurry to get up. He turned his head and opened his eye. "What?" he asked and laughed. "You look like you saw a ghost or something."

"Di-did we..." she trailed off. No, she would have _definitely_ remembered that. She shook her head. "What...happened?"

"We didn't have sex if that's what you're asking," he winked. "We talked, then you fell asleep. On my arm. I didn't want to wake you up, so..."

So, they both slept in the same tent. Well, that wasn't so bad, she supposed. Ash flopped back down. "Oh," she said.

She heard Iron Bull sit up. "You sound disappointed," he said. She looked to find that he was grinning down at her. He was...very close and above her. Ash felt a sudden heat return to her body.

"N-no," she said, unconvincingly. "Just, not what I expected to wake up to." The tension that was building between the two of them was almost too much for her to handle. _Woof. Not that I'm complaining..._ Iron Bull shifted until she was completely under him, his arms supporting his weight by her sides. Ash's mind immediately went blank and all she could do was stare up at his face.

"Hm," he said. Then, his mouth was on hers. Ash's body arched up into his chest. _God. This again._ She shifted her hips unconsciously, wanting to get closer than she feasibly could. She roped her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss on her own. Two could play that game.

Iron Bull's hips ground into hers and she moaned when she felt his hardness pressing into her lower stomach. _More._ She thrust her hips at his in answer and he made a noise from somewhere deep in his chest. It rumbled through her ribcage and into her spine. Ash couldn't take much more of this. Iron Bull's hand pressed its way down her side, the pressure of it made her pulse skip. His right hand was under her tunic, lifting it, while his left pushed to cradle her head, fist balling at the base of her skull. She arched again as his hand pulled down her breast band.

Iron Bull's fist tangled in her hair before pulling her neck back suddenly. She gasped when his teeth found her throat, not entirely gently. His free hand palmed her now exposed breast, the nipple hardening with the friction. She bit her lip to keep from crying out, suddenly aware of the camp around them. She had no idea what ti-- She hissed as Iron Bull's mouth closed around her breast, biting gently, chastising her. She clutched at his shoulders.

She couldn't help it. "Bull," she groaned and thrust her hips up to his again. She trailed one hand down his stomach, intent. He grabbed her wrist stopping her, before he moved his other hand to hold her waist, pinning her down. He sat back slightly to look at her face, grinning.

"Much as I'd like to continue this," he said. "Really, really would. There's...stuff we should probably talk about before that. Want to make sure you know what you're getting into."

Ash glared at him. Now. He wanted to do this now? "I don't really care at the moment," she said and ground her hips into his hands for emphasis. "We can talk later." She was _burning_.

Iron Bull whistled. "Damn," he said. "I knew the meek act wasn't you but..." He drifted one hand to her thigh, which he then squeezed. Her eyes rolled back into her skull. Bull chuckled darkly. "You really are worked up right now, huh?"

Ash cursed. _Of course I am. And you are not leaving me like this, dammit._ Her hands balled into fists and she made eye contact with him then. "Please, Bull," she said. She couldn't feel much else at the moment. Consequences be damned, she needed this.

Iron Bull muttered a curse in a language she couldn't understand. "Now, _that_ ," he said. "That, I like to hear." His hands gripped her legs, pulling them apart as his lips once more made contact with her throat. She moaned with relief.

  


Someone cleared their throat. Close. Right outside the tent. Ash immediately shot backwards, eyes wide and it felt as if she'd been dunked in a bucket of ice water. _Oh gods no_. She put her head in her hands, trying to hide her face.

Bull shook his head, scratching at his horns. "Thought that might happen," he said and laughed.

"In case you two forgot," Syana said glibly. "We have a battle to fight?" Her voice was strained, as if she was trying her best to not laugh. "You're the only two we're waiting on."

Ash was rushing to right herself, struggling a bit on the breast band. This was the last thing she had wanted-- new level of embarrassment. Iron Bull squeezed her shoulder reassuringly. He bent his head to her ear.

"No one probably heard much," he whispered to her. "Relax." Tingles shot up her spine at his voice that close. She nodded, mute, focused solely on dressing herself. Iron Bull squeezed her shoulder one more time before he made his way out of the tent.

Ash cursed and shook her head. _Right._ She stepped out into the sunlight. She had resolved herself to not think about it until later.

Varric whistled. Ash blushed and her resolved crumbled instantaneously. "We had wondered where Tiny had got off to," he said, a little too cheery. "Disappearing like that was impressive, considering you know, how hard he is to miss."

"Lookit her face!" Sera broke into open laughter. "This is too good, this is."

Ash glared at Bull, but only half of her was in it. The other just wanted to smile with the rest of them. He shrugged.

"What?" he said. "I said 'probably didn't hear much.' Besides, you weren't exactly complaining." He winked.

"You two can have your lovers' squabble later," Vivienne interrupted. "Perhaps more discreetly this time? There are more pressing matters and I'm sure not all of us wish to be privy to your affairs."

Ash blushed again, effectively silenced. Sera guffawed.

"Seriously," Sera said. "See her friggin' face? Never seen a person turn tha' color before. Like a tomato."

Dorian was grinning. "Oh?" he said. "This is unexpected."

Cassandra was scowling. "Ugh," was all she said.

  


* * *

  


"Syana, um," Ash said, unsure of how to start. They had just about joined Cullen's troops at Adamant. Ash could hear the shouts of the soldiers off in the distance. It set her heart pumping. "There's something you need to know now." There was a little important detail Ash had forgotten. She had meant to talk to the Inquisitor about it earlier, but then there was Iron Bull.... Ash shook her head. Stupid. She slowed down and Syana shot her a curious look from over her shoulder.

"What's wrong?" she asked. Ash stopped walking and her next words were quiet.

"Listen, there's things that are going to happen in Adamant that are going to be...bad. Really bad," Ash said. "I'm hoping we can try and avoid it by me telling you. Hopefully."

Syana frowned. "What?" she asked again. "I don't understand."

"Clarel gets attacked by Corypheus's dragon, archdemon...thing. So do you. The wall you all are on breaks and a hole gets ripped open in the Fade." Ash paused, realizing she was talking too fast. She swallowed. "You all fall in. Physically. You physically go into the fade."

Syana's mouth worked for a moment, but it seemed she didn't know how to respond. Ash continued slowly, "That's only part of it," she said. "In your escape, Hawke or Stroud...one of them doesn't make it. In my world, it depends on which version of the story you're reading..." She stopped, feeling awkward. How would the Inquisitor handle this? This was really something heavy to drop on her out of the blue, but... Ash picked at a finger.

Syana blinked a couple times. There was a long silence before Syana's shoulders relaxed. Then she sighed. "Alright," she said. "At least I know what we're up against." She reached out to take one of Ash's hands. "Thank you. Now I have a chance to keep that from happening." She smiled.

Ash was dumbfounded. This woman... She was amazing. Instead of being in despair, Syana seemed to accept it as a challenge. She was going to change it. Ash cringed with guilt. Up until this point she had been a coward. She had been trying to run away from this world. From herself and from everyone. Sure, she had tried to fight. But her heart wasn't in it. All she could remember was home. How unfair it was that she was here. But there were all these amazing people around her defying odds and keeping hope every day. Who was she to do any different?

Ash smiled and reached out to pull Syana into a hug. "We can do this," she said. "We will." They were both silent for a moment after that. Then, Syana grinned.

"How's about we go give that magister something real to whine about for once?" They both turned, hands on their staffs and walked further towards the advancing troops, joining the other members of the Inquisition on the way.

  


* * *

  


Ash spun her arms, flame erupting as she spread them wide towards the demons advancing in front of her. She was vaguely aware of the hum of Solas's and Syana's magic. The two operated as one body. Where Solas was calm, Syana was fury. Each of them kept up a maddening pace. They alternated between erecting barriers around Iron Bull and Varric and casting walls of ice and fire. Ash was doing her best to keep up. She had Varric had a vantage point from a wooden platform and they each were picking off the demons as they got to close. Iron Bull and Hawke were at the front, drawing the demons away from the rest, grouping them together to make it easier for the mage's attacks to reach them. 

A shade reached behind Bull, claws up to drag down his back. Ash let loose her storm, satisfied as the lighting paralyzed the creature long enough for Bull to swing around and run it through with his axe.

"Nice shot!" he yelled and ran off to challenge a terror going after Syana. Ash saw three more erupting from an archway to their left. She looked to Varric and they both nodded.

Varric aimed Bianca and let loose a hail of arrows just as Ash yelled and the ground beneath the demons erupted in flames. They howled. Ash grinned. _Ye--_

She heard a scream coming from below her. Ash looked down as the ground beneath her feet began to glow. She froze, eyes widening.

"Oh shit," Varric cursed from somewhere beside her. "Ash, mo--"

The world went black for a few moments. Ash blinked, eyes wincing from a pain in the back of her skull. Her ears were ringing and she shook her head slowly trying to clear her eyes. Something sharp stabbed at her arm. Pain shot through her and it was as if her nerves all combusted at once. Ash screamed and looked up to see the terror's gaping mouth inches from her. She fought back an urge to vomit at the spittle dripping from it's teeth. The mouth was opened, jaw broken impossibly wide. Delirious still, she looked down to notice that the demon held her up by her left arm, her staff uselessly at its feet. Panicking, she wrestled her arm, hearing something snap but not feeling any pain. The demon reared back and screamed again. She was going to die. Shit. This thing was going to kill her. _No. No, no, no, no, NO!_

Ash roared. There was a light, and heat shooting through her body, racing up her arm to where the demons claws were embedded. It screeched again and the next thing Ash felt was solid ground beneath her back. She scrambled backwards on her elbows and watched as blue flames flickered up the demon's arm. It started writhing when they went towards its chest, then its neck. She was transfixed.

"Ash!" she looked to see Syana running towards her, then back to the demon at a strange hiss. The demon was burning from the inside out, she realized vaguely. It crashed down to its knees, twitching before suddenly going still. The blue began to turn to black.

Ash was being lifted. She looked to see Iron Bull grabbing her and hoisting her up to his shoulder. Her arm jarred against his armor and she hissed. Her vision began to dance. She looked at her arm. There was a lot of red.

Bull grunted. "Hang on," he said. "We're regrouping with Cullen." Ash felt her eyes getting heavier.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had fun writing this chapter. Also, goes without saying, obviously I'm putting smut in this story. But! I want to fully flesh out the Iron Bull romance without relying exclusively on smut. It honestly is my favorite relationship in the game (sorry Solas!) because Iron Bull is just so easy going. Plus, I always love the romance stories where they start out being friends first, which is how I see Iron Bull's going. Anyway!
> 
> (I apologize if the action-y bit was terrible, I don't feel that I'm that strong at writing it)
> 
> (Don't hate me for leaving you at a cliffhanger?)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	13. But Where Do You Belong?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part Two of the three part Fade trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _"And on the day that you die, you'll see the people you'd met_   
>  _I could have told you all that I love you_   
>  _And in the faces you see, you'll see just who you've been_   
>  _I wish I could have told you all:_   
>  _In this life like weeds, eyes need us to see_   
>  _Hearts need us to bleed, in this life like weeds_   
>  _You're a rock to me_   
>  _I know where you're from, but where do you belong?"_

There were only flashes. Flashes of sound, of vision. It got to the point where it didn’t make any more sense to her. She tried for what felt like hours to make it make sense. All she had driving her was a tiny, tiny thing she couldn’t name. A feeling not strong enough to be a voice. 

It made her tired. So very tired. Her eyes drifted closed. Too hard, she thought. Why not let herself feel weightless? 

“Hey,” a voice said. Ash thought she was dreaming. “Hey,” again. The voice seemed to really want her to answer. She couldn’t. She was too tired. 

The floating feeling suddenly stopped. Ash became aware of the absence, but couldn’t figure out _why_. 

Her face became warm.

"Ash,” the voice said. “Come on. Come back.” There was a sensation of something cool being pressed against her lips. Her head moved backwards without her permission and ice spread through her veins.

Ash gasped, eyes shooting open wide. She jolted upwards, eyes scanning but not registering what she saw. It was too bright, too loud. What were those noises?

“Bull, hold her,” another, different voice said. The ice-feeling took over her left arm until she didn’t think the arm existed. Her muscles relaxed. She hadn’t been aware that she was tense.

Ash’s eyes began to focus. She blinked furiously. The second voice was from Solas; he was bent over her left arm, hands glowing blue over it. All she could see were his hands and the light. She looked at his face—his brow was furrowed, mouth twisted. Her eyes followed a bead of sweat that trickled down his nose. Odd. He seemed intent. It was then she noticed a shadow. She looked to see Bull’s face, intent on hers. 

She turned to look back at Solas again, trying to piece together what he was doing. A hand warm and rough with callouses held her cheek and turned her face back to see Bull’s. 

“Stay over here for a second,” he said. “Don’t need to pass out again.” He smiled. _Why was he smiling?_ For her benefit?

She shook her head, unable to form a coherent thought. She could only feel the cold where her arm was supposed to be. That. She started to focus on that. Then, her brain suddenly decided to kick into gear. She remembered the demon. Its claws in her arm. _Ah._

“Bull,” she said.

“You’re fine,” he said. “Solas can handle it.” She started to notice that the three of them were not alone. Cullen, Syana, Varric, and Stroud stood not too far away, faces grim. She looked up at the sky. Somehow it had turned a smoky green. Shit. The hole in the fade. How long had she been out? Syana didn’t have time for this. _Shit._

She started stirring. Iron Bull stopped her, hands moving to her shoulders. He shook his head at her. Ash settled back again, trying to stop her nerves. They couldn’t stay here too much longer. Clarel was likely starting to sacrifice the warden that would lead to that pride demon….

Her mind was running in circles. Solas snapped her out of it. “I’ve done what I can,” he said and stood.

And suddenly, she could feel her arm again. It ached. She looked down at it to see four angry red claw marks taking up the entirety of her forearm. Solas hadn’t been able to heal them completely; at least, that’s what Ash thought due to how raw the marks seemed to be. She brushed her right hand over them. _Well._

She started to stand, accepting Bull’s help when she found that her feet were more than a little wobbly.

“We have to keep moving,” she said. “You can’t stay here Syana. I don’t know what will happen if you don’t—“

Syana hardened her stare at Ash. “Enough,” she said, voice hard. “I thought you were dying. We weren’t going anywhere.”

Ash blinked. Syana started walking.

Varric sighed. “Look, kid,” he said. “We care about you. You might wanna start considering that.” He shook his head and gave her a half smile. 

“Let’s get moving,” Syana called to them. She had made it some distance away.

Solas looked to Ash. “I’ve done my best,” he said. “But, be careful. Potions and magic can only do so much.” He went to catch up to Syana. Ash watched as he clasped her shoulder and leaned in to whisper.

Bull thumped Ash on the back. She stumbled forward a few steps. “Seriously,” he said. She looked up at his face. “Don’t. Do that. Again.” Ash nodded. She didn’t see the demon attack, but… She had scared them. _Scared the Iron Bull._

  


* * *

  


They had made it into the Fade. Ash only had the snippets of memory as Clarel made one last stand against the archdemon. The dragon itself had filled Ash with more dread than she thought she was capable of. It was just so huge. And it wanted to kill them. She couldn’t even imagine stopping such a creature from doing so. 

She remembered the bridge falling. She felt her foot slip and a strong hand grab her by the arm and haul her into the body it was attached to. Then black. Until now.

Ash groaned and placed her hands down to push herself up. She heard a grunt from beneath her and once her eyes focused, she saw Iron Bull. He had been the one who grabbed her.

She climbed to her feet. “Thanks,” she told him as he stood. 

“Yeah,” he said, cracking his neck. He looked around, distracted. Then he cursed in what Ash guessed to be qunlat.

“Where are we?” Stroud asked the air.

“We were falling,” Syana said.

“Is this…are we dead?” Hawke asked, looking around. 

“No,” Solas said. “This is the Fade.”

“Just like Ash said,” Syana said in response, voice still full of disbelief.

Solas shook his head. “I…” he said. “I never thought I would actually find myself here physically. Look. The Black City, almost close enough to touch.” He was obviously in awe; voice filled with wonder.

For one reason or another, those words and his tone chilled Ash more than they had the first time she had heard them. She stared at Solas for a moment, watching him looking at some point off in the distance. _What did he mean by that?_ She had never really thought about it until now.

“Yeah, Chuckles,” Varric said. “Getting excited about the Black City. Not creepy or anything.”

“This must be very exciting for you Solas,” Syana interrupted. “Any advice would be fantastic.”

Solas shook his head. “I have never seen the Fade like this.”

“Perhaps it’s because we’re here physically,” Hawke said. “Instead of just dreaming.”

Ash shrugged when they turned to her. “I don’t know why,” she said. “Sorry, what I know is limited.”

“Oh, this is shitty,” Iron Bull said, scowling. “I’ll fight whatever you give me boss, but blindly getting dragged through the ass end of demon town is not what I signed up for.”

Syana shook her head. “Not blindly. I told you all this was a possibility,” she said, quietly. She looked at Ash. “We get out of here, right?”

There was unease in her voice. “Yes,” Ash said clearly. “We get out. Like I told you before, we get help eventually. Friendly help.”

“Well,” Varric said. “I’m relieved. Slightly. But, still, don’t wanna stand around here for too long. Especially since there is a way out and all.”

Ash pointed. “There,” she said.

“Let’s go,” Syana ordered. 

  


* * *

  


The Nightmare was trying to get under their skin. It had started with Iron Bull while they waded through a few puddles that reflected the sickly green of the air. It was nauseating. All of it was.

Ash hadn’t expected the feeling that had crept up on her slowly. It was the same one that you get when in a big house by yourself at night, and you run up the stairs to your room. Like something is watching, is behind you. This whole place had that feeling. It put Ash’s teeth on edge. 

She wondered if the rest of them were feeling the same way. Talking wasn’t really happening. Ash couldn’t blame them. 

Every once and a while, Bull would curse under his breath. _“Damn Fade, damn demons.”_ For the first time (for Ash), Iron Bull was visibly shaken. His whole body seemed impossibly tense-- his fingers twitching as if to grab at his axe, and his face had never left the initial scowl when they had first gotten there. It made her frown to see him like that. She watched him look nervous for a few more moments before turning away.

What would The Nightmare say to her?

She shuddered. The feeling of unease ran up her spine once more. She knew it was going to say something to her. She also knew…

“Dirth ma, harellan,” Ash’s eyes widened. She looked at Solas whose face turned to ice as he listened to the demon. His response was cool and clipped. Syana was watching Solas; eyes looking for any hint as to what was going on. Then, she looked at Ash. There were so many questions in her face.

Ash couldn’t say anything, however, as another wave of The Nightmare’s spiders came after them. Bull immediately put himself in front of Ash and she couldn’t bring herself to argue. He had been doing that constantly. However, Ash quickly called fire to her hands. She wasn’t defenseless. She let it lick up her staff and fly, scorching the spiders and making them hiss. 

She could no longer let these things scare her. Not that they didn’t—it was her brain that wasn’t capable of registering the fear anymore. If it had, Ash supposed she’d be curled in a ball, trying to hide. She just wanted to catch up with the not-Divine thing. _Why wasn’t it helping them fight, anyway?_

  


They came to the open area of the Fade where Ash knew they would find the graveyard. It was then that The Nightmare went after her.

“Little girl,” came the voice and Ash froze in her tracks, head exploding in pain. She clutched at her temples. It was _in_ her head, voice echoing through her. And with it, terror that she had never known. Her knees trembled.

“Tell me,” it continued. It was all Ash could do to stay on her feet after those two words. “Is any of this real? Where are you, little girl?” Ash fell then, felt the cold water on her legs. _God, make it stop._ “I know. Lost and alone. As you always will be. You don’t belong. Not there and not here.”

Syana’s hands gently lifted Ash’s away from her head, and then they were cool on her temples. Offering whatever little relief she could. 

“Lost child, lonely child,” he said. “Which of your worlds is real?” It laughed, darkly, as if it knew all her secrets, all her pain and was deeply satisfied with it. “You’re hallucinating right now, aren’t you? Or was it then?” Memories that Ash had long buried came tumbling to the surface. _Dammit. Fuck._

“You don’t fit,” it said. “And it has made you go insane.” Ash’s eyes prickled with tears. But it wasn’t done. 

“But let’s not forget the secrets you yet keep. If any of them knew, not even your hallucinations would love you.” Elle’s face flashed behind Ash’s eyes and she almost sobbed. “How sad.” The Nightmare laughed again.

“Shh,” Syana said, stroking her hair. “Don’t listen. It lies to you, to all of us. It wants your fear.”

But these lies were based on truths. Ash felt the warmth of her own tears dripping steadily down her face. She couldn’t think right now. _No._ She hadn’t really gone crazy had she? What if…What if she was still at home? And all this was really a hallucination? What then? _Please let this be a dream. Let me wake up._

She allowed Syana to lead her to her feet. Ash felt The Nightmare withdraw; its job apparently done. Ash now painfully understood why everyone had been so quiet for so long. They had dealt with _that_.

Syana took Ash’s hand. She looked up and saw the anger on the elf’s face. Her pale green eyes were burning. 

It was that anger that reassured her. It reminded Ash that she didn’t have to be okay with…this. She didn’t have to accept that thing and its words. Its poison. She could fight it. She had to. She had to fight her doubts.

Ash nodded, still shaken, and squeezed Syana’s hand. It felt warm. It felt real.

They walked through the cold water to where the demons were waiting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Sorry if I skipped around a bit too much, I just felt like writing a play-by-play of what happens in the Fade would get a little repetitive. And I wanted to avoid that, of course. But! Let me know what you all think. Especially about Ash's Nightmare experience. As creepy as it sounds, that was my favorite part to write so I'm curious. 
> 
> You guys rock!
> 
> Love and hugs!


	14. There's Danger in Heroes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final piece of Adamant Fortress.

And there it stood. For a few terrifying seconds, the world shrank down to nothing but a tunnel—the thing waiting for her at its opening, at the only direction she could move. Her heart hammered a desperate, whispering beat. Then it laughed, deep and rumbling, making the edges of the tunnel waver. It gave her the unfaltering sensation of standing on ground that was at the crest of an earthquake. She prickled with unshakable foreboding—this thing would kill her. She was powerless to stop it. She knew it then and her heart stuttered. 

“—ey.” Ash heard. The voice was steady—a rock that she could latch onto in the storm around her. She looked over her right shoulder as his hand closed over it in the same warm gesture he seemed to save only for her. The sudden warmth made her shiver. Unconsciously, she leaned further into it, the pressure grounding her. His face was grim, eyebrows and mouth folded downward, but he was still somehow unwavering, solid. Ash stopped shaking.

“Stay behind me,” he rumbled, his voice low and as serious as she had ever heard it. Her throat didn’t want to form sounds; her neck mechanically nodded her head. It was then that she felt a thrum of energy shroud the air around her. As it did, her goose bumps eased down into her skin, accompanied with the slightest flitter of calm. It was enough.

She looked at Solas, his arms outstretched to finish the barrier he had expertly crafted around them. He faced her then, with a wan smile that seemed odd when paired next to the grim lines of determination set in the rest of his face. She couldn’t find it in her to return the smile. He likely didn’t expect her to. Instead, she nodded her stiff muscles again, almost wincing with the action. Time was moving at a snail’s pace—as if she and everything around her was swimming through dark, murky water. Like they were all slowly drowning. She could no longer tell if this sensation was the reality she was in, or merely another trick of the Nightmare. She wasn’t sure if she really wanted to know.

She saw the spiders around them, attempting to surround, but the fact did nothing to stir her. She merely saw it with cold, unfeeling clarity. There was no fight. She struggled to find it, to find her will where it was buried somewhere she couldn’t reach. A bolt pierced the spider heading for her back. She turned at the soft sound, her hand shot up and burned as lighting went forth to strike the creature. She felt something else breaking, something else that she couldn’t name. Varric was shouting at her. 

“Ghost! You need to MOVE!” He was firing bolt after bolt in a controlled frenzy. His eyes were wide in a focused sort of fear—all frustration evident in his voice. When had the fight begun?

Ash moved. The Nightmare never stood in one place for too long. It was useless for her to try and track it; instead, she focused on the spider-creatures. They were somehow easier for her to handle—the Nightmare was what she couldn’t bear to face.

_Spin._

_Lightning. Another turn._

_Another arrow._

_The sound of ice cracking—unearthly hiss of air._

_Syana shouting._

The hair on Ash’s arms stood on end and she stopped moving as the world once more began to slow. She stared at the fire erupting in a path from Syana to the Nightmare. Solas sent a wave of force towards the demon, an attempt to hold it so that it couldn’t flee the flames. Transfixed, Ash watched still as the last of the demon burned away, its wails and hisses echoing around her, the only remnant of its struggle. As it began to fade, the spiders stopped coming. The world suddenly went quiet for the smallest of moments.

Ash slumped against a rock in not-quite relief. Her moment was broken when a deep, guttural rumbling started. She didn’t have time to think. “Move!” Syana shouted, already breaking into a run. Hawke’s hand curved around Ash’s upper arm, pulling her into a run behind him. Stroud trailed not far behind. The ground beneath her feet starting shaking. Ash pumped her legs harder—harsh adrenaline lighting the fire within her to keep going. Varric, Solas, and Bull had reached the opening to out of the Fade. They stood waving them on frantically.

 _Shit. Shitshitshit. That…that thing is coming soon._ Ash felt the ground shake again. She had to get both Stroud and Hawke out of there. Everything was happening too fast, she couldn’t keep up. _Shit!_

Another quake—this one enough to send her sprawling backwards. She crashed into the cold metal of Stroud’s armor. He reached out to steady her. It was too late, she realized with terrifying clarity as the creature reared up with a shriek. She gaped at it in open terror. The Nightmare was nothing in comparison…and that smell. Ash felt bile rising in her throat; she stifled a gag.

“Inquisitor!” Solas’s voice, desperate and afraid, came from somewhere behind the thing. Ash doubted they could see each other—she couldn’t see Bull.

“Go,” Hawke said, piercing Syana with a look. “I’ll distract it long enough for the rest of you to get around it.”

Stroud shook his head violently. “No, this is the Wardens’ mess. A Warden should—“

“Should rebuild the Order,” Hawke interrupted. “They need you.”

“No,” Ash whispered. There was a silence before anyone spoke.

“Ash?” Syana asked.

Ash shook her head. “Neither one of you should—“ She broke off, seized with sudden emotion. She liked Stroud, and Hawke, she had wanted to stop this; she still did. If she couldn’t change things…What else was she good for? The creature screamed again. It was closer.

“We don’t have time for debate,” Syana said. “Do you have a plan, Ash?”

Ash stared at her. She couldn’t—she couldn’t fight that. She looked at Syana, taking in her appearance. The elven woman was slumped, shoulders sagging, leaning on her staff; a cut above her eyebrow was trailing drying blood. Hawke wasn’t in better shape, he hid it well, but Ash could see the obvious fatigue in how he carried himself, noticed a slight limp on his left leg. She looked at her belt—no health potions. It hit her. If they tried to fight that thing, they would all die. But if just one stayed, the rest had a chance—Ash felt tears burning her eyes.

Syana looked at her a few more moments, then turned to Stroud. “Stroud…” she said, hesitant. 

“It is alright, Inquisitor,” he said and smiled. Ash felt wetness on her cheeks. “I am old enough to have lived a good life. Besides, I am a Warden. This is only my duty.” He exchanged a brief glance with Hawke, understanding flashing between them, then reached to cup Ash’s shoulder comfortingly. He didn’t say anything, but the gesture was enough to rip a sob from the depth of her lungs. 

She felt cold when his hand was gone.

“For the wardens!” he shouted, running with sword and shield raised. She was ripped away by Hawke and Syana storming her forward into a run. Her legs barely wanted to obey her, but she pressed forward until Bull was grabbing her, pushing her out and back to Adamant fortress.

She was back. She stared at the ground, not wanting to face those shocked voices all around them. Bull was her support; one arm around her shoulders, allowing her something to lean against so she could stay on her feet. She looked up to see Syana’s hand glow as she ripped the remaining demons back into the Fade, anger shining clear on her face. The soldiers cheered.

“Well, it was true,” Hawke said. “Without the Nightmare to control them, the mages are free.” He glanced to Ash then, as usual, she found that his face was unreadable. “And as far as they’re concerned, the Inquisitor broke the spell with the blessing of the Maker.”

Syana shrugged. “Let them,” she said. “It’s no business of mine what story they wish to tell. What matters is we succeeded.” 

“Inquisitor!” Ash watched as the scout ran up. “The Archdemon flew off as soon as you disappeared. As for the remaining wardens…” He trailed off as one lone warden trailed to stand beside him, head bowed. “They helped us fight off the demons.”

"The Wardens stand ready to make up for Clarel’s…tragic mistake,” the warden said then looked at each of them, making brief eye contact with Ash. She turned away. “Where’s Stroud?” The question pierced her gut like a knife. Ash winced and bit her lip.

Syana’s eyes went cold. The chatter around them seemed to die suddenly in response to how the Inquisitor’s stance changed. “He died because of you,” she nearly spat. Ash’s eyes went wide. Syana had never been so angry, she wouldn’t…Ash gasped and stood away from Bull. Her eyes watching Syana’s every move, frozen to the spot. “For your foolishness. Are you satisfied? Look at the damage your Order has caused. And for what? False promises from a creature that thrives on destruction. The very same creature your Order knew about.” The Warden’s head lowered once again. When he spoke again, his voiced was hushed.

“Inquisitor,” he said. “There is no one among us with any significant rank. What shall we do?” Ash whirled her head to face Syana, her posture pleading, but Syana couldn’t see her.

“You leave,” Syana said, clipped. Ash’s heart fell to somewhere around her feet. “It’s too risky; you are all still too vulnerable to corruption, especially from Corypheus. I cannot afford to leave you unchecked. From here on, consider yourselves banished from Southern Thedas. Hawke will oversee your return to Weisshaupt.”

Hawke hung his head briefly, frowning. “Yes, your worship,” the warden replied and turned to leave, likely to gather the Wardens. Ash was stunned. She didn’t pay attention to the rest of the conversation with the Inquisitor. She hadn’t accomplished anything. She hadn’t changed anything. Now, the wardens would be gone too…

“No!” she shouted out, aiming her voice at the Inquisitor. She brushed off Bull’s arm as it went to pull her to him. “Syana, you can’t!” She was desperate, barely noticing how Varric and Solas turned to look at her in shock. Syana, stepping down from the platform she had been standing on, paused to look up at Ash. Even Hawke turned back. They were all watching her. “Please,” Ash said. “This is a mistake.”

Solas scoffed. “The mistake was letting them operate unchecked for this long.”

Ash ignored him. “You need the wardens,” she said. “They’re the only ones that can defend Thedas from a Blight.”

Syana shook her head. “I can’t have them here,” she said. “It’s much more risky. There is no Blight on the horizon, only Corypheus. And he is the one that can corrupt the Wardens.”

“Then work with them,” Ash pleaded. “Give them another chance. I know that this is a mistake, but what if—“

“No,” Syana answered. “Ash, I’m sorry, but I can’t risk losing more people. I can’t risk losing more wardens to Corypheus either. The Inquisition does not have the resources to babysit them.”

“But, I know things that you don’t,” Ash persisted. “I know—“

“And the things you say you know didn’t help much today, did they?” Syana said. Ash gaped, tears instantly threatening the corners of her eyes. She couldn’t respond. Her hands fell to her sides and all the fight she had left flooded out of her. 

“Boss,” Iron Bull said low, scolding. He succeeded then in pulling Ash to him. She leaned against him, fingers clutching at his belt as she fought the creeping empty feeling. It was all her fault.

She heard Syana sigh. “I’m sorry, that was unfair,” she said. “Let’s just all get back to Skyhold. It’s been a long day for all of us.” Ash looked up to watch as she walked away.

“Hey,” Varric said. She looked down at him. “Don’t beat yourself up, okay? This…” He shook his head. He didn’t say anything else, just smiled at her before walking away. Bull squeezed her shoulder.

“Come on,” he said and started herding her away. “You need to get some rest.” She nodded mutely, she didn’t want to look and see the concern she could hear. If she did, she would start crying. She didn’t want that; she just wanted some sleep. As if reading her mind, Bull squeezed her shoulders again. “Hey, stop that,” he said. “We’ll talk about all this later. Right now, just focus on breathing and walking. Look at your feet if you need to.”

Ash nodded, took a deep breath. For the rest of the walk, she didn’t once look up from her feet hitting the ground. It certainly made things simpler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, Adamant is finally done with! I'm so sorry for taking so long to update! Life got a little crazy over the past few weeks (I moved) and the dust is just now starting to settle. Needless to say, I will once again start updating like a responsible person.
> 
> I know that these Fade chapters have been unbearably depressing, but I wanted to use them to develop Ash as a character: this is her low point. This is where she starts to realize her limits. And well, I just feel like this is what needed to happen.
> 
> Anyway! Let me know what you think, as usual. I love the feedback. And I love how many of you are loving this story!  
> Thanks for reading!  
> <3 and hugs


	15. I Forgive What is Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welllp.  
> More depressing angst, but then it's over (I really mean it this time you guys). It is ended by a pep-talk from an unexpected source! It's a short one, but it's a transition chapter.

Ash was avoiding everyone. The night they returned to Skyhold, she immediately retreated to her room, where she had been almost constantly for the two days since. Her only contact with anything living came from Tanna, the elven serving girl she would ask to get her food from the kitchens. Not that she had been eating all that much. Her appetite had been almost absent, much like her sleep. All she had seen in her dreams were the events of Adamant haunting and incessant as they came to her multiple times every night. When the fright was too much, she would wake only to close her eyes and once more fall into the nightmares. 

To say she was shaken would make light of the reality of her feelings. Ash was a frayed rope just waiting for the right amount of new pressure to finally snap. She had wondered and worried at how the events had unfolded, at her part in not preventing the outcome. She hadn’t managed to do anything. Syana’s actions actually managed to end up for the worse. Ash was truly and fully a stranger. Passive, helpless, and stuck in a world that didn’t need her. She lay on the strange rough cotton covers for her bed and stared at something past the ceiling, while not fully wanting to see. 

The only solace she had was the fact that while she hadn’t looked for company, company hadn’t looked for her either. No one had tried to find her, or been to visit. She couldn’t help but think it strange, especially when her thoughts turned to Bull. Perhaps they were all giving her the space she needed. She thought of Syana’s words to her. 

_Maybe not._

Ash knew that moping around for days on end was not the best course of action for her to take. It would accomplish nothing, answer nothing. But what else could she do? The only thing she wanted was to go back home, to the comfort of normalcy. Where whatever this was could fade away to a point where she could think it only an uncomfortably long dream. She almost felt the softness of her leather couch, the warmth of it and the sunbeams that trickled in through her apartment windows in the afternoon. And her cat, curled on the floor in the remaining sunlight like a lizard basking. Ash’s eyes began to sting and she could no longer bring herself to stare at the ceiling. 

Ash sat up, placed her feet on the stone floor. It struck her then that she could at least walk around Skyhold, get some exercise. Or something, anything. Sitting on that bed was not the answer. She ducked her head carefully out her door, registered that night had fallen on the keep. There were no sounds but the low whispers of the torches eating the air on the walls and a one-time sound of someone’s soft footsteps before a door opened and shut. 

Ash exhaled and exited her room, skirting around the upper level. She had never really realized the full size of Skyhold before. As it was, she could probably wander around for days and still only see a fraction of it, if she didn’t get lost along the way. It was likely a very strong ‘if.’ She kept as quiet as she could, measuring her steps so that they only made the memory of a sound upon the stones. 

She followed the cool white light of the stars blinking through panes of glass. She recognized it as the balcony above the entrance to Skyhold. Against her will, her heart protested for a moment at the fear that Vivienne would be there. Her eyes widened, adjusted, and saw nothing but an empty bed.

Perhaps Vivienne was on some quest with the Inquisitor. It didn’t matter; she only needed a moment. She relaxed, walked the remaining distance to the windows. She pushed one open, winced as it creaked in protest. She squeezed through the small gap she created and shivered when the air hit her skin, goose-bumps breaking out along her arms. But the silent cold stilled her thoughts and she filled her lungs as if she hadn’t been breathing for days, greedy and thirsty. 

She felt as if she were on the edge of crying, but found she simply didn’t have the energy. Instead, there was emptiness, an absence. The Nightmare turned into a cruel prophet—she was lost. She stared out at the shadowed grounds, not able to see past the front gate. The only object clear to her was the sky, so she stared at it, caught in a sudden caricature of what would have been peace. Anxiety flirted at the corners, only a shadow yet still a presence she couldn’t ignore. She closed her eyes and leaned her arms to the rails. 

A soft cough shattered the darkness behind her lids. She turned around to face Vivienne. The Grand Enchanter stood just in front of the door, shoulders as straight as could be achieved, regarded her with a cool expression.

The words flooded from Ash’s throat before she could stop them, “Come to tell the demon to leave?” 

Vivienne arched a delicate eyebrow. “Darling, you are the intruder in this situation,” she folded her hands before her, inspected a nail. “It is appallingly rude for you to get so indignant considering you were not invited here.”

Ash opened her mouth, closed it. She shook her head, turning back to the grounds. “Look, I know you don’t want me here,” she mumbled. “Just, give another moment? Please? I understand that you don't trust me, but...” She hated the soft whine she heard as she whispered. 

“Tell me, would you have done differently were you in my position?” Vivienne asked and Ash heard her boots click sharply until Vivienne’s shadow fell over the arm Ash stared at. “You were an unknown. Putting my trust in you automatically would have been laughable. I cannot afford the luxury of so grave a mistake.”

Ash sighed. “What do you want, Vivienne?”

“You will address me as Lady Vivienne or Madame de Fer,” her voice was in the tone one would use when speaking to a difficult child.

As much as she wanted it in that moment, her anger was absent and she narrowed her eyes. “ _Lady_ Vivienne, then.”

“Courtly graces are basic and incredibly vital weapons. If you are to continue to help us, you would do well to begin to try and make use of them.”

Ash looked at her, forced her face into a sarcastic not-smile. “Continue to help? That’s new,” she said. “I didn’t help to begin with. I didn’t do anything—it all still went to shit. Besides, aren’t I just a nuisance for you? A threat?”

Vivienne gave Ash a smile that looked like a colder reflection of Ash’s own. “You gave us your knowledge, something not to be scoffed at. How it was used and those consequences rest with the Inquisitor. Something that she must also face.”

Ash frowned as her words weighed themselves. She was confused mostly at Vivienne’s behavior. Before, the Enchanter had made no effort to introduce herself. They had never before spoken, and now, unless Ash was as crazy as her dreams were making her, Vivienne was…what? Talking to her as if it were the most natural thing in the world for her to do? She couldn’t trust it, she knew Vivienne played that stupid Orlesian ‘game’ crap with every breath she took. She shouldn’t confide in her of all people. But she was too vulnerable. The feelings bubbling down Ash’s spine made her vomit the words forth. So she said, the part of her that told her to swallow her feelings locked, voice cracking, “I should have told her more…I should have—“

“Indeed,” interrupted Vivienne. “You and the Inquisitor both made mistakes.” She paused and the silence forced Ash to look to her face. Vivienne wasn’t looking at her, she stared instead out into the same blackness Ash had moments ago and it shocked her that Vivienne looked almost lonely. “I will only say this once: I did not get where I am today without making my share of mistakes. The trick with these things to own them—to rise from them. Do not allow others to turn your mistakes into weapons to be used against you. Mistakes are quite unavoidable, but you must not falter.”

The words rang hollow. “Stroud died! That’s a damn huge ‘mistake,’” Ash bit out, venomous. “I can barely use my magic. I'm not from here! I don't understand all this fighting and death all the time! I don’t know what you expect me to do!”

Vivienne shook her head. “My dear,” she said and it sounded strangely gentle. “I was once as you were, thrust quite suddenly from comfort into a world that was a hostile stranger to an inexperienced child. But I did not take the path of the victim as the mages of the rebellion. I carved my own position through my own strength.”

As her words rang crisply in the air, Ash looked at Vivienne and saw the woman for what she was: strong. She was stubborn, yes, and maybe a little haughty, but there was an unshakable surety in her posture, a quiet threat that faced the world unashamed and proud. This woman was not to be trifled with. Not even by her own demons. Ash didn’t know what to say.

“Your magic is not your strength,” Vivienne continued as if there had never been an interruption. “You hold instead something much more valuable.”

“And that is?”

“Your knowledge, my dear,” Vivienne smiled then. “That is your weapon. We would be fools to not employ it.”

Ash blinked. She felt slow compared to the woman standing before her. “What are you suggesting?”

“For you to use it, of course. What else? A blade is as useless as a twig if one does not know how to wield it. Knowledge is everything, more valuable than a blade—recognize this. This is your weapon. This is what you must use if you wish to survive.”

Ash shook her head, fell once again into her confusion, furthered by how icy Vivienne still sounded. There was a weird juxtaposition between the content of her voice and the way she was speaking. “Why tell me this?” she asked. Nothing about anything was making sense to her. She barely could accept the fact that Vivienne found it important to talk to her.“What could you possibly gain from giving me a pep-talk? Sorry, but you aren't exactly oozing warm concern. I'm still pretty certain you could care less for me.”

“How one does or does not feel is of no importance. Need I remind you that Thedas would gain nothing if we fail and everything if we succeed?” Vivienne said. “My interest lies in the Inquisition’s success. As should yours. We stand upon a precipice, it would be best to not fall off it.”

Ash grimaced, feeling all the world that she had been dismissed. Her nails dug into her palm, hating how little Vivienne made her feel, how she was giving her no room to argue. “So I’m a tool then? My feelings don't matter?”

Vivienne’s eyes glinted in the moonlight. “You are a member of the Inquisition. Whether you wished to be or not,” she said. “Do begin to act like it.” She inclined her head. “In this world, one will be used if they are not careful. If you protest this, don’t give others the opportunity to do so. You must command their respect—it absolutely will not be handed to you. You can of course roll over like a dog, but you are not allowed to complain if that is your choice.”

Shame filled her face at that moment. It stung. It was brutal, and it stabbed the false calmness she had erected around herself. Vivienne forced her to face herself, something had Ash had been avoiding, danced around. At that moment, she realized that she couldn't do that anymore. Vivienne had taken that away by verbally slapping the sense back into her. As blunt as it was, she latched on to it, committed the words to memory. Her eyes watered again with the realization of many thousands of things at once, their weight holding her down, grounding her. They managed to not fade away even after she realized Vivienne was only telling her these things because Ash had something that the Inquisition could use. “Thank you,” she whispered.

“I do not need your gratitude,” Vivienne responded. “Hold your head high and pull yourself together.”

Ash stood up, brushed her hair nervously behind an ear. “I’m sorry,” she said. “But I don’t know where to start.”

“I will not hold your hand while you learn what you need to do on your own,” Vivienne said, smiling. “But perhaps a bath to start?”

Ash blushed, tried to fight it. Vivienne made her feel small. She nodded. “Excuse me,” she said, paused, “Lady Vivienne.”

Vivienne waved a hand, ushered her towards the balcony door. “It’s a start, darling,” she said. 

Ash walked as briskly as she could back to her room. She leaned against the door, struggled to keep from sobbing. It wasn’t from pain, no, but another strange feeling—resolve. She heard Vivienne’s words play on repeat, filled her with guilt. She was lost, that was the truth of the situation. But the resolve grew louder, flooded her. Her spine filled with steel. To hell with all of this. Syana’s face flashed before her and she snuffed it away. To hell with her words. 

Anger filled her suddenly. Hot and rough and quiet anger. Ash felt a click take place somewhere in the back of her mind, in the depths of her. 

_To hell with this._

Ash raised her chin, stared defiantly off beyond the walls surrounding her. 

She would not sit still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had an unexpected amount of fun writing Vivienne's dialogue. I never really took her side all that much in-game so it was kind of hard writing a character I don't agree with. This was a little challenge to myself and I'm feeling pretty okay with what I managed to come up with. ( I still don't really like Vivienne, she is a bit selfish, but I understand her at least). Well, I respect her character (it's complex enough to be interesting) but I wouldn't be want to be her friend. I doubt she would care :D. The tl;dr in my head was: Own it, work it, girl.  
> So, turning point for poor Ash. Stuff after this should be better for her, or at least she'll start making strides to better deal with what's going on and hopefully accept it. It will be slow; the title is 'Acquiescence' after all (I actually did that for a reason unlike most things I do).  
> Anyway!  
> Thoughts? Comments? Concerns? Jokes? Friendly words? Put them in the comments!  
> <3 and hugs.


	16. Still Might as Well Enjoy It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff. Nothing but fluff. Much needed, but still fluff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take it easy on me, I got real sleepy and this is not really edited at all. I just wanted to get it done.

A bath had been exactly what she needed. Ash sighed, sinking contentedly down until only her head was above the water.

_Bless Tanna._

Her thoughts, for once, were quiet and decidedly not bothering her while she bathed. She hummed tunelessly, dragged her hands in unknown patterns around the water’s surface. She watched her fingers prune and smiled a little to herself. How long had it been since she had had a proper bath? Ash sighed. What she would do to get a shower. Maybe she could try it out with magic? With help…Dorian? She snorted. She didn’t even know if they all knew about plumbing, much less enough to make a _shower_. If anyone would understand Ash when she spoke of the bliss that is a shower, it would have to be Dorian. Ash frowned when she realized the water was getting cold. She stared at her hands for a few seconds. 

_I have magic right? So I should be able to heat up water, right?_

In theory, it seemed solid. So, Ash put her palms on the surface of the water and thought about it being hot. Nothing. She huffed. “Abracadabra?” she mumbled sarcastically. Not that she expected that to do anything, but she huffed again when nothing happened. 

_Life or death situations: sure, have all the magic you want! When you actually need something practical: Eh. Don’t feel like it? Logic._

Ash closed her eyes and breathed in; trying to recall what Solas had tried to teach her. She focused on the point where her hands met the water and imagined them radiating heat outward, imagined the water getting hotter by degrees. She kept her breath even, stayed silent and focused for a few more of her heartbeats. Ash peeked from one eye and was filled with giddiness when she saw steam start to rise from the water.

_HA. Take that._

She turned, raising her upper body from the water to grab for the bottle of soap sitting out on the floor. 

She barely registered the sound of her door creaking open. “Hey, so we wer—“ Bull’s rumbling voice came from the doorway before breaking off.  
Ash froze, bottle in hand and turned slowly. The bastard was standing there, obviously surprised, but as she turned, Ash saw his eye drop downwards. His face pulled into a shit-eating grin.

He let out a low whistle. “Nice,” he chuckled. Ash’s arm whipped forward, chucking the bottle at his head as the rest of her splashed back into the tub. Bull ducked, the bottle clattering to the floor. His booming laugh followed him as the door shut. 

“Tavern!” he called through the door. “Come grab a drink.”

“K-knock dammit!” she yelled out after him, blushing furiously. Ash dunked her head under the water. She’d have to find some way to lock that door. 

* * *

She wandered around Skyhold, letting her hair air dry as she walked towards the tavern. Vivienne had gotten to her. She was here, she was stuck for the moment, and as far as she knew that’s how it was going to be. She needed to start accepting that. Maybe try and make a life for herself? Ash sighed. She wanted to go home, there wasn’t any way around that. Maybe she should talk to Solas more. He might have been onto something when he mentioned her going through the Fade. Somehow. She wasn’t sure, but it was better than doing nothing. A pang of despair started creeping on her. Ash shook her head and clapped her hands onto her cheeks twice, slapping herself.

_Get with it. You’re here. You’re staying. Maybe you can leave, but for now, you’re here._

She looked up at the sky over Skyhold. She needed to find a hobby. One that wasn’t electronic.

Varric seemed to hear her approach from where he stood near the training grounds. “Look who’s decided to join us back in the light,” he said and walked towards her, smiling. Ash smiled at him, didn’t know what to say. Varric appeared to sober for a moment and he frowned. “You doing alright?” he asked. “You’ve been through a lot of shit recently and some of us were starting to worry.”

Ash shook her head. “That’s an understatement,” she laughed. “But I’m as okay as I’m going to get. Just bored mostly. Missing electricity.” She sighed. 

Varric looked confused. “Electricity?”

Ash nodded. “Yeah, back home, you know, there’s no magic,” she said. “Instead we used technology and almost all of it needs electricity. You don’t know how much you need it until it’s gone.” Her voice took on a wistful tone. Varric had started to walk towards the Herald’s Rest, gestured for her to follow. 

“Honestly, can’t say I know what you mean,” he said apologetically. “You haven’t told us much about your world before now.”

“No one’s really asked,” Ash replied. “But to be honest, I feel like I’ve been in shock until now. The past couple weeks are a bit of a blur.” 

_There’s another understatement._

Varric gave her a look full of sympathy. “Don’t start falling apart on us. Look, I might not be the best at advice, but, you’ve got friends here. Me, Dorian…Bull.” He grinned at her then. “Bull would probably –“

Ash shook her head, laughing. “Already with the teasing?”

“I can’t help myself,” Varric said. “You and Tiny? Never would have guessed.”

“Sorry, but you might be disappointed,” she said. “Nothing’s really going on.”

Varric raised an eyebrow. “Oh no, you’re not going to fool me that easily. Storyteller, remember? And my story-telling senses are all a flutter on this. There’s something. Don’t know what, but something.”

Ash snorted. “’All a flutter’? That’s the best you can come up with?”

“Editing exists for a reason, Ghost.”

The sound of laughter hit her ears right with the sort of musty, alcoholic smell that only taverns can achieve. But at least it was warmer in here. Bull and Sera were already sitting at a table. And so was…Syana. Ash sighed. Varric looked at her. 

“She feels bad, give her a chance,” he said and nudged her towards the table. At her approach, Syana’s head turned up only for her to…blush? Almost immediately, at that. Ash watched as even her ears tinged pink before the Inquisitor looked back down at the table. Ash found herself frozen in place. She hadn’t expected that.

“Ugh,” Sera said. “Just kiss and make up already, yeah, Inky? Don’t get all mopey. It’s stupid.”

Syana looked back up. “Ash,” she said. “I’m—Sorry. I didn’t…I wasn’t angry at you, just angry, but—“

Ash held up a hand. Honestly, it wasn’t Syana that had her moping. Oh no, Ash had no one to thank for that other than herself. “It’s fine,” she said. “I was being stupid too. Really stupid. I wasn’t the only one having a hard time. I get it.” She smiled. “I was being mopey on my own, it didn’t really have anything to do with you.” Syana looked shocked for a moment and then she beamed at Ash. She was blown away at how relieved the Inquisitor seemed in that moment. It was…Ash didn’t know what it was.

“Enough with the mushy shite,” Sera said. “Let’s drink, already, Creepy.”

Ash raised an eyebrow, moving closer to the table. She decided to ignore Bull’s wink for the moment. And Varric’s resulting snort. “Creepy? Me?” she asked, sitting next to Syana. “I thought Cole was ‘Creepy.’”

“Yeah, but you have that ‘other world’ whatever, and you’re creepy too,” Sera said indignant. “Both of you are creepy.”

Ash laughed. “Sera, it sounds like you’re scared of little ol’ me,” she teased.

Sera snorted. “Arrows,” she said decisively. “Try anything funny and it’ll be arrows.”

“Aw,” Ash said. “I really feel the love.”

Varric laughed, placed a mug in front of Ash. “Buttercup here is all bark, hardly any bite.”

“I’ll show you bite,” Sera retorted and poked a skinny finger into Varric’s face.

“Oh, dirty,” Ash mumbled and got a laugh out of Iron Bull in response.

“What?” Sera said, wrinkling her nose. “Blecch! Not that way!”

Varric slapped a hand over his heart. “Right here. That’s where it hurts.”

Ash took a long swig of her beer, fading into the background as she listened to Varric and Sera’s bickering continue. She hummed tunelessly, not out loud, and soaked the warmth of the tavern in.

“—ey,” Varric said. Ash snapped up to him. He grinned. “Like I was saying, you were just telling me about your world. I’m not letting you get out of this one.”

“You just want to turn it into some story,” Ash said.

Varric shrugged. “Can you blame me?” he asked. “It’s just the right amount of un-believability to make a good story.”

Ash sighed, realizing they weren’t going to back down. Varric had started it, but everyone was looking at her. Even Sera, though it seemed like she was making a piss-poor attempt at pretending she wasn’t interested. Ash took another gulp of the beer. She frowned, stared at it. Had it always tasted this terrible?

“Sunlight caught the dust through the windows. The…stereo stopped working again. Turned and caught the whisper and pout. Small freckled face staring, twisted into disappointment. She wanted a sweet. You watch her smile, full of light, showing the gap between her front teeth as she took the cookie. _‘It’ll be our secret’_ She laughed, left,” came the rushed voice of Cole. Ash blinked hard, she forgot he could do that sudden-thing he did. It had startled her and judging from the silence around her, she wasn’t alone. “She thought you were nice, like her older sister.” Cole was staring straight at her, again. But instead of being uncomfortable, Ash felt her heart lurch at the memory. That little girl had been cute. Her mom had brought her in to the bakery Ash worked at, and told her she couldn’t have anything. So, while her mom went to the bathroom, Ash gave her a cookie. On the house. She had a soft spot for kids.

Ash sighed, hands curling around her mug. No one said anything after that, apparently waiting on her. She stared at her fingers, a wistful smile curling the corners of her lips. She shrugged her shoulders. “I took a lot for granted and, well, honestly I don’t know how to explain it to you.” And she didn’t. She didn’t know how to frame what she knew so that they would understand. They had no reference point to go from that she could tell. Besides, Ash wasn’t an engineer, or any type of scientist, really. She didn’t know exactly how half the stuff back home worked herself.

“What did you do there?” Syana asked gently. When Ash looked up, the Inquisitor continued, “For a living? You said you didn’t have magic there, and you don’t seem like a noble. Or a soldier.”

Ash snorted. “Definitely not,” she laughed. “Me, a noble? That would be a really good joke. So would me being a soldier for that matter.” She shook her head. “I was, am, a baker. I was saving up to open my own shop.” She was struck with the sudden need to be in a kitchen. She relished in it, having not known this feeling for the past few weeks. Like she said before, her brain had been in overdrive dealing with everything else. That was putting it mildly. Ash grinned mischievously for a moment.

“I was really good at baking cookies,” she drawled and stared straight at Sera with her own shit-eating grin.

Sera wrinkled her nose in disgust. “That. Right there. Creepy,” she said. “Don’t like that there’s two of you doing that shite now.”

“Eyes heavy, feet stumbling through the door,” Cole said again. “ _The sun isn’t awake yet why am I?_ But then proud when you watch them smile. _I made that._ Their smiles were yours. You liked helping.” Ash made eye contact with him where he sat, fighting a shudder. It was unsettling how far he could read her, as much as she cared about the kid when she had played back home.

“Yes,” she said. “Still do.”

“Do you miss it?” Syana asked and turned her head to stare full-on at Ash.

_God, yes._

“Yes,” Ash mumbled, taking another swing at her drink. “Back home, my biggest concern was putting gas in my car. That’s nothing compared to all these demons and bullshit. I miss how easy it is there. Never really thought about it before now.” She frowned for a moment, wondering if she would have to explain what a car was. There was a short silence, but none of them asked about it. She vaguely wondered if they were still in some small way, not believing her. The fact didn't upset her. 

“Well, shit, Ghost,” Varric said. “Should have told us you could cook. Have you seen what they feed us?”

“Correction: I bake,” Ash said. “As in sweets and bread and all that.”

“Even better,” Iron Bull said.

“You know, that gives me an idea,” Varric said, a little too cheerfully. “I figured out how to put you into my next story, Tiny. _‘The Iron Bull’s belly was prone to rippling after every meal. He rarely wore shirts as they ripped from the strain._ ’”

Iron Bull was quiet for a moment. “That hurts, Varric. That’s hurtful.”

Ash laughed loudly before she clapped a hand over her mouth. Sera sniggered and even Syana giggled. 

“You are all just jealous,” Bull said and held up a well muscled arm. “I would be too.”

Ash raised an eyebrow. “Of what? Your ‘pillowy-man bosoms?”’ She made air-quotes with her fingers. Varric choked on the drink he had just taken.

Iron Bull’s only response was a frown as the table once again erupted in laughter.

“They’re called pecs,” he said after a moment.

“Sure, sure,” Ash said. “Man bosoms it is.” She grinned at him and waggled her eyebrows. She noticed a glimmer of humor in his eye and he smirked a little. Her heart made a disconcerting flip when she saw it.

_Stop that, you._

Iron Bull leaned across the table towards her. “Well,” he said. “If you don’t believe me, I’d be happy to show you just how—“

Thankfully, Syana’s hand flew in front of Bull’s face. It put a stop to the thoughts Ash had started to have. “No,” she said. “I don’t want that mental image, please. Wait until I’m gone at least.”

“But, you like muscles,” Cole said, most certainly not looking at Syana. Ash groaned, face in flames. “The Iron Bull could do that. He thinks about it too.”

Ash’s forehead _thunked_ against the surface of the table. Laughing, Varric put a hand on Cole’s shoulder. “Kid, remember our talk about ‘private thoughts?’”

Ash wondered if being a mage meant she was capable of spontaneous combustion now. She felt something touch her back softly and she turned her head to look up at Syana. She was smiling, but there was a sad edge to it suddenly.

“Switching topics,” Syana said quietly and Bull, Varric, and Sera devolved into their own conversation at Ash’s expense. She was ignoring it. “Are you…okay? I’ve been worried.” Syana's eyes fell to Ash's newly scarred forearm.

_Oh._

Ash gave a small smile and absently ran her fingers over her scars, flinching at the strange roughness of the skin. "You don’t need to. I’ll be okay.” She hoped that was more reassuring than it sounded.

Syana tugged at Ash’s hair until she sat up. The Inquisitor promptly began to braid it for the second time and Ash let out a breathy laugh. The woman was turning into a mother hen. “I feel like I’m to blame,” Syana confessed as Ash closed her eyes and relaxed. “I had assumed—“ She paused. “I’m sorry. I forced you into things you weren’t ready for.”

“Was I that bad at fighting?” Ash asked, half teasing and trying to lighten the mood.

When Syana spoke next, she sounded sad. “You fought exactly as you were able to,” she said. “I didn’t understand your limits. Didn’t ask; I only assumed. And it put you in danger.”

Ash reached back to still Syana’s hand. “It’s alright,” she said. “I forgive you. I was a little wrapped up in it all myself. I have _magic_ now.” She was forcing her humor, it was likely obvious, but Ash really didn’t want the Inquisitor to be sad on her account. She was a kind woman, and had enough on her plate without Ash adding to it. She might be stuck here now, but that didn’t mean she had to add to their already monumental problems. Ash was even still trying to wrap her head around the _reality_ that this video game was becoming. It was a difficult concept. She had mental whiplash.

“I didn’t understand either, Syana,” Ash said softly, apologetically. “The fact that this is all… _real_ hadn’t caught up with me yet.”

The two of them lapsed into comfortable silence. If Syana didn’t understand what Ash meant, she didn’t say anything. Ash just focused on the feel of Syana’s fingers combing through her hair. That felt real enough. She smiled wryly.

_Just one thing at a time, Ash._

“We could probably get you set up in the kitchens,” Syana mused and finished her handiwork. “If you’d like, of course. It depends on what you would like to do.”

“I vote the food thing,” Sera said and burped. Well, someone was getting drunk.

Ash thought for a moment. “That would be nice,” she said. “Baking would help my sanity at the very least.” She turned back to the table and picked up her mug again. “But I don’t want to only do that. I want to learn, to help, and try and figure all this shit out. That means figuring out how to use this magic thing right.”

Syana smiled at her. “I've said before, but we can help you as well,” she said. “I don’t think we’re all that different from what you’re used to? We’re not monsters, at the very least.”

Ash smirked. “Well…” she rolled her eyes towards Iron Bull. 

Bull smirked back. “To me, that’s a compliment,” he said. “Besides, if you want to see a monster, I can--“

“No,” Syana said firmly. “Bull, if that’s an innuendo, don’t finish it.”

Varric took a long, dramatic breath. “Don’t take this where I think you’re taking this Tiny,” he said. “My poor heart couldn’t handle it.”

Ash was trying to tune this conversation out as embarrassing as it was. She was just hoping Cole wouldn’t say something.

“I promised I wouldn’t,” Cole said as innocently as ever. “Varric said that those are private thoughts.”

Ash’s forehead once again met the table. Her and it were going to be good friends by the time the night was over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *collapses in exhaustion*
> 
> I did it. Took me forever but I transitioned away from the Fade-stuff I got sucked into. Gonna spend the next few chapters developing Ash's place in the Inquisition fully. And continuing to build the Iron Bull-mance like I have been.  
> I'm hoping the Ash real world background that I've started to hint at isn't incredibly sudden. I was struck by the fact that the story sort of got away from me and I didn't get to flush that out before she was sucked into action. Also, time-line wise, it's only been about two and a half-ish weeks since Ash has been there
> 
> Also, as for Syana, she basically got excited that Ash _knew_ everything. She assumed, of course, that that meant she could handle herself around the danger. It was a naive thought on her part and she honestly does feel guilty. She also is a mother hen. But a quiet one.  
>  Sorry, for the delay!
> 
> <3 and hugs!


	17. Not Quite Ready For the Morning Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WHAT?!?! A NEW CHAPTER?!?!  
> .  
> ..  
> ...  
> .....  
> .....  
> I'M BACK BITCHES XD  
> (you're not bitches, you're all very lovely people)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, switching it up a little bit (sorry if the beginning seems a little...odd) :3  
> Enjoy~!  
> *ahem* In which, Iron Bull shows his serious side.
> 
> Also, sorry if this seems a little 'out of the blue'-ish. It's been so long that I sort of forgot where I was heading, skimmed back through the previous chapters, and this is what my brain decided on. So, I went with it.
> 
> As always, let me know what you think. :3

_It's cold outside, and I'm not quite_  
_Ready for the morning light_  
_My hands are tied, cause if I tried_  
_To leave this place I'd surely die_  
_I'd surely die_  


* * *

  


Ash grimaced in concentration, focusing on her hands in front of her-- watching as they kneaded, forcing the air ever so gently and firmly from the dough. She listened to the resulting whisper of sound and relaxed into the rhythm that settled over her like a second skin. She was baking again; the familiar feeling of dough beneath her palms a long-missed friend. She welcomed it for the fact that it drove all other thoughts from her mind. It had only been three days, but she felt closer to home than she had since first waking up on Solas's couch. She even had a routine, one that didn't leave much room for more...distracting concerns. Ash could forget, could tell herself she was content. She hadn't thought much about home, hadn't even continued practicing magic. To be honest, she hadn't seen Syana, or anyone really, for these past few days (she had a suspicious this was on purpose). Not to say that she went seeking their company either; she needed something familiar more than she had realized. She needed to be alone with her thoughts. Or just...alone. Away and pushing any conflicting feelings down and out from her. She didn't need them, she decided. She had enough to do, to worry about. Her strange reality saw to that each day she woke up still in Skyhold.

Her contentment was broken however, when she felt the pressure of a large body on her back as a well muscled arm slipped past her face, reaching for one of the cookies cooling on a tray in front of her. She froze for the smallest of moments, tense and hyper-aware of the body behind her. She fought back a shudder with her next heartbeat. Then she whirled to face him, dough and flour coated hands rising in front of her but only finding purchase on the empty air. She huffed and met Bull's twinkling eye as he grinned.

"Too slow," he said, biting into his cookie and winking. He leaned back against the wall, posture relaxed and unconcerned.

Ash rolled her eyes. "You could just ask, you know," she said sighing, teasing. 

Iron Bull chuckled; the sound echoed through the room. Ash warmed at the sound of it. _Stop that._

"This is more fun," he said.

Ash sighed, choosing to ignore him, and grabbed the ball of dough from the table, resuming her work. She started to slip back into focus, willed herself into it.

"Fun?" she asked after a moment. "There has to be something better for you to do than sneak into a kitchen and scare unsuspecting women," she said lightly. "Every day." Which is what he had been doing. Every day since she had started in the kitchens, at some point, Bull inevitably wound up sneaking (she still couldn't fathom how someone his size could be so damn _quiet_ ) into the room and stealing something from under her nose. It shouldn't have continued to surprise her; she had started to expect it, anticipate his arrival. But somehow, he altered the time he showed up _just_ so, and managed to wait to appear until she had slipped into being unaware. She didn't want to think too hard about how exactly he was doing that.

"You like it," he grinned.

Ash rolled her eyes again, but she hid a small smile. "Whatever gets you through the day, Tiny," she quipped, without looking at him. Bull chuckled again, and again she felt warm with the sound of it. It didn't seem as if Bull planned on saying anything more so she resumed her rhythm. The room lapsed into a comfortable silence, the only sound was Ash's quiet humming.

But once again, her reverie was broken. Once again, she felt the pressure of his body against her back. Yet it was firmer this time--and it lingered. Her hands froze.

"But, you see," Iron Bull murmured next to her neck, breath ghosting over her ear. Goosebumps erupted over her skin and Ash shivered and tensed at his closeness. _"This_ tells me something different." He leaned further into her, pressing, and her hips dug into the table before her. His palms planted themselves flat next to hers. "You think I didn't notice how you get when I do this?" he rumbled softly. She felt his voice more than heard it; it vibrated across her back. Her heart was clanging hard against her ribs. Iron Bull was quiet, waiting, still caging her against the table. She opened her mouth, once, twice; closed her eyes. _On purpose. The bastard has been doing this on purpose._ And yet, it wasn't anger that was making her jaw clench.

"W-what are you talking about?" _Well, that sounded confident. Why am I lying to the Qunari spy?_

"Hmmm," Bull drawled. He shifted slightly and Ash felt stubble scratch her cheek. His teeth nipped lightly at the tip of her ear and she couldn't stop the breathy sigh from leaving her lips. Unconsciously, she leaned back into him. One of his hands, _God his hands..._ went to hold her left hip and the other curled around her chin, tilted her head, exposing her neck. He placed one open-mouthed kiss where her jaw met her neck, just under her earlobe. Ash's breath hitched.

"You know you're a really terrible liar," he said and she could feel the smirk in his voice. His mouth hovered close above her skin, setting her on fire. She could feel every one of his breaths--her skin flushing further with each exhale. The thumb on her hip stroked up her side, massaging gently. Ash couldn't find any words. Her mind was flashing back to the tent in the Western Approach and a familiar thrill went through her now.

But this time, that thrill was chased by a tensing, creeping sense of apprehension that had been with her since they had returned from the Fade. The same feeling that had her huddled in her room for days afterwards. Vivienne had snapped her out of it in a way, but the further away those events seemed, the louder her apprehension became and the more the warm moments faded away from her. The more their laughter slipped away. It was what had since kept her from seeking out Iron Bull's...er...company. Or anyone's company. Her feelings were, had been, a mess--yes, she was attracted to him. _Who wouldn't be?_ Yes, he was able to make her react to him just by breathing into her ear. But between him, between what happened with the wardens and her arm, what happened for her to wind up in a damn video game in the first place-- everything was too much. He wasn't supposed to be _real._ These past days had reminded her of that. Every time she saw one of them, her fragile bubble of comfort, her control, would slip away. Despite all their support, and despite her feelings for them, she couldn't let go of her tension, of the need for the familiar. She just...couldn't. She was afraid. Of what exactly, she wasn't sure. It was balling into a heavy, iron knot inside her, threatening to come to the surface. She struggled to push it down again. But it still made her turn to try and escape from Bull's grasp. 

He only eased up enough to let her body turn to face him. He kept one hand on her hip and the other on the edge of the table. She was still trapped. She avoided looking at his face. "Hey," he said firmly. "Look at me." Ash brought her eyes to his face, focused on his chin. He lifted his hand from the table to press her chin upwards so that she met his gaze. "Up here," he reprimanded. His eye drilled into her, searching, silent. Ash became increasingly uncomfortable the longer the moment stretched. She shifted on her feet but his hand did not let her chin lower. "What are you afraid of wild-cat?" he prompted finally. It felt as if she was struck. _How does he..._ She sighed. _No, that's who he is._

Ash let out a long breath, steeled herself. "Nothing," she responded. Iron Bull frowned, his expression shifting into something unreadable. Ash continued to meet his gaze, heart pounding. "I'm not afraid." She tried to make herself believe it as she spoke.

Iron Bull's expression was suddenly neutral. He stepped back, the sudden absence of his body heat making her shiver to adjust. There was another silence, but this was suffocating, dragging. "Bullshit," he said, arms crossed against his chest. Ash opened her mouth to speak, indignant, but Iron Bull went on, "You're trying to find a way out. You're _hiding._ Trying to." He paused, letting her absorb his words. "I'm not Ben-Hassrath for nothing and I say you're scared. Every inch of you is screaming it. But you won't admit it; you're scared of that too."

It cut her like a knife. Why was everyone in this place telling her how she felt? Cole, Vivienne, and now even Iron Bull. Instead of dismay, however, she felt irritation coursing through her. Ash lifted her chin defiantly. "No," she said. 

Bull's eye narrowed at her. "No?" he repeated. He was silent for a moment, but Ash didn't say anything. "You're a mess," he began, "You have been since the damn Fade." There was no malice in his voice, every word was easy, smooth. "You've been doing a good job at trying to hide it, I'll give you that. But it's me, remember?"

Ash bristled at that. "You?" she said. "What makes you so different? The fact that you're a spy; that you're trained to read people, to manipulate?"

"Manipulate," he repeated, his tone had changed to something clipped. "Have I done anything, said anything, to make you think that I'm manipulating you?" He didn't give Ash a chance to answer. "No, and you know that. You know you have an out. You know that if you say the word, this. Stops. But you haven't. So what is it that you're really afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid," Ash said quietly. "You- you all keep thinking that you have me figured out. You keep stringing me along, pushing me to do this or that because you think you know what I'm feeling. You think you _know_ me. That you know what I want. What I'm going through." _None of you ask._ She shook her head, fists clenched. _They did let me bake. And they..._ Yet...Enough. Something was building within her-- a pressure that was screaming for release. How long had she been denying this feeling? Ash had been trying. She had been trying her damnedest to adapt. To listen to Vivienne's cold advice. To accept what's happening to her. To learn the abilities she had been given. To help them. Why wasn't that enough for these people? Why couldn't they see her effort? Why did they act like she was a child? Everyone tiptoeing around her. 'Giving her space' without asking. They weren't _real._ Something broke.

"I do know you," Iron Bull said.

Ash fumed. "Oh do you now," she said. She was seething, too angry and hurt at the moment to make a more convincing argument. "We've only known each other for a few weeks. How can you even--"

"And I've _seen_ you in those weeks, _imekari,_ " Bull said, cutting her off. "In the first few days, who was it that let you let your hurt out? You don't need to fight me."

Ash shook her head, fists clenching. She again couldn't bring herself to speak. Everything was spinning. "Enough," she said softly.

"I don't think it is," Bull said softly, his tone suddenly gentle. "Let it go."

Tears stung her eyes. She blinked furiously, trying to keep them from spilling. _Dammit. Fuck. Stop._ It was too much. It felt as if a pit was opening in her stomach, threatening to swallow her. She stood frozen for a few moments, eyes opening and closing, struggling to keep everything at bay. She said nothing, focused on steeling her emotions. Ignoring them. She was better than this. She had been doing just fine until he showed up.

Ash heard Iron Bull step towards her. And she knew she only heard him because he wanted her to. _Dammit._ She straightened, looked at Bull. "You need to let go," he repeated.

She glared, the tears still stinging her eyes. "No," she whispered, the wetness spilling over her cheeks. Iron Bull didn't make another move towards her. She turned away from him and left.

  


* * *

  


Ash lay on the grass, nestled in a corner of Skyhold's gardens. Thankfully, there hadn't been anyone there other than a few Chantry mothers and they had left her alone. Alone was more than a good thing. She had sobbed quietly to herself and felt her heart breaking. Everything...things that she didn't even realize she had been holding back were letting themselves out. She was there for hours, alone in her misery. The torrent of feelings long buried were relentless. It wasn't like the days just after she got here, or the days right after the Fade. This was raw, angry, frightened pain. She couldn't fight it.

Eventually though, she had quieted and now lay watching the sky above her turn to twilight. Iron Bull hadn't followed her. He had _known,_ even when she hadn't. It felt like an intrusion. _Let go._ How dare he make it sound so easy? What was she supposed to let go of? Her fear? The fact that she was here? Or her hope that she would ever get to go home? Tears prickled her eyes again, and she sniffed to will them away. 

Someone cleared their throat a few feet away from her. "Ghost?" Varric asked. Ash started, propped herself up on her elbows to look at him. He stood a few feet away, brow furrowed, watching her carefully. Ash wiped at her eyes, sat up more fully. _Joy._

Varric rubbed at the back of his neck, shrugged. "Look," he said tentatively. "I just came here to, well, offer you an ear. Thought you might need one. If not, tell me to get lost and I'm gone." He looked at her and Ash sighed when she saw how genuinely concerned he was. She deflated. _Dammit._

"Sure," Ash said. Varric walked over to her and sat down next to her. He fiddled with his gloves for a moment. It was then that Ash noticed he was still in his armor. Had they been gone this whole time? She didn't say anything.

"You doing alright?" he asked. "Stupid question, I know. You're not."

Ash sighed, "No, not really." She curled to hug her knees, chin resting on them.

"What's wrong?" he asked. "I knew-- shit. I'm not good at this." He sighed again. "Look, we all knew that maybe you were hiding how you felt after Adamant. You know, the tavern a few nights ago? We were worried. Bells...heard about Vivienne. But after, we thought you were okay."

She didn't know what to say. Ash felt incredibly small at the moment. "I-" she started then let the word drop to silence.

Varric placed a broad hand on her shoulder. "Look, we do care about you," he said. "Yeah we barely know who you are. Yeah, what you've told us is weird. Really, really, weird. But we still worry. Me, Sparkler, Tiny, the kid, and especially Sy." Ash looked at him then, frowning. "She worries about you more than any of us, you know. I think she sees herself in you a little." He paused, warm golden eyes crinkled with concern. "And all this," he waved his other hand in a broad gesture, "isn't really sunshine and rainbows for any of us and we've seen shit like this before. But for you?"

"I miss home," she said quietly, closing her eyes. "I would do anything to..." She trailed off. Being in the kitchens had been making her homesick, she realized. It wasn't contentment that drove her there, she had been reaching for normalcy. It was the most normal thing she had had in weeks.

"Is that why you've been avoiding us?" Varric asked. Ash grimaced. "You've been holing yourself up in the kitchens; we gave you the space. Even cleaned some rifts up while we waited."

"But Bull..."

Varric chuckled. "Tiny was the one who told us to give you space," he said. "That he would handle it. He stayed behind to keep an eye on you. Even today."

Ash was quiet for a moment after that. "I don't know what to do," she said. "I guess I thought that if I...if I distanced myself from everything, from everyone, it would be easier. I want to go home, I do...But, you...." She couldn't finish. She was starting to care for them too, to feel like _this_ was home. She couldn't.

Varric squeezed her shoulder gently. "Yeah, we know."

Iron Bull's words echoed again, _Let it go._ Ash hugged her knees tighter. He had known. But how could she let go? What would she lose?

"Tiny told me what happened, you know," Varric said finally. "He was worried he pushed you too far." Ash looked at him. Varric shook his head. "He didn't tell me to come after you. You've...been through too much, Ghost." Varric's eyes flicked down to her scarred forearm for a brief moment.

Ash again felt tears welling up. She was ashamed that she blamed any of them, as short lived as it was. She had started to use them as an outlet. And Bull... She blushed in embarrassment. _I am a damn child._

"Don't be too hard on yourself, okay?" Varric offered. "We don't blame you at all. It's alright, Ghost. Always is." He gave her a one armed hug then, and Ash had to blink furiously. She had never known just how kind Varric was.

"Thank you," she said and smiled a small smile.

Varric smiled warmly back at her. "Anytime." They sat in silence for a moment. "You might want to go talk to Tiny, though," Varric said, his smile becoming smaller. "But...maybe that's none of my business."

Ash sobered. "Yeah, I probably should." He had taken the brunt of her emotions. He had known. And he had tried to help her through it. He tried to give her what she needed. She stretched her neck. The sky was now dark with the fading light of early evening.

Varric stood and offered her a hand. "He was in the tavern last I knew," he said as he helped Ash to her feet. She nodded.

"Alright," she said. "Will--will you walk with me?"

"Sure thing," he answered and they started off in the direction of the tavern.

  


* * *

  


Varric had left her once they got to the tavern and so she entered alone. But Bull wasn't there. Ash's heart had sunk to her feet. What if she couldn't fix it? Before she could think to leave, Krem had approached her from the bar.

"If you're looking for the Chief, he went upstairs to his room," Krem had told her. "Told me to tell you if you showed."

Now here she was. Staring at the door. _His_ door. She took a deep breath, raised her hand and knocked softly. Her heart started to thud as she waited, ears straining for any sound. Why was she so nervous? _Breathe._

The door opened without warning and there he was, looking down at her. Ash noticed his eye widened in surprise for a second before he changed his facial expression to something more neutral.

"H-hey," she muttered lamely.

Iron Bull didn't say anything, but he moved slightly to the side, allowing her to enter. Ash swallowed once she was in the room. She watched him close the door. _Is-is he angry?_ She hadn't considered that possibility and now she balked at her stupidity. Of course he's angry. She tried to search his face, but it was still cool and neutral. He leaned against the door, crossed his arms, and waited.

Ash tried to find her voice. Suddenly, she felt very, very small. "I'm sorry," she whispered to the floor. "I didn't...you didn't..." She took a breath. "I used you as an outlet. It wasn't fair of me and I'm sorry. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I..." she was babbling at this point. "You were trying to help. Trying to..." Ash's voice broke. "I'm scared, Bull," she said on a sob. Her vision blurred. Everything felt so loud.

Strong hands pulled her close. "Easy," Iron Bull said, his hand travelling upwards to smooth her hair. "I know." He let her sob against his chest. Her hands curled into him.

Ash didn't know how long they stood like that. But once she quieted, she noticed his hands were rubbing her back, down her spine, massaging the tension from her. She sniffed, rubbed at her eyes.

Iron Bull grabbed both of her shoulders, easing her back enough so he could look at her face. "You don't need to be scared of me," he said, serious. "I meant it when I said 'no strings attached.' You don't have to fight _me._ "

"It...it wasn't _you._ I mean, not really. Sort of," Ash shrugged her shoulders desperately. "I don't know, but it's not you. You haven't done anything. I just... It's just...everything."

"Hm," he murmured. His thumb stroked her neck. "Let go, Ash," he said so, so gently. Ash's heart ached. "Stop fighting everything."

"I don't know if I can."

"You need to try. If you don't all this is going to keep eating at you."

"But what if I can't go home?" she said miserably. "What--what if I..." _Left all of you behind._ She cringed. _Elle..._ Ash felt like she was tearing in two. The room started spinning again.

Iron Bull was silent before he said, "Come here," and started leading her towards his bed. She stiffened a little in his grip. _What.._

He fixed her with a stare. "Let go," he repeated. "Trust me."

She followed, still tense. She let him ease her to sit on the bed. Her heart was pounding an irregular rhythm again. It skipped when she felt his weight shift behind her. She forgot to breathe.

But then his hands moved her hair to drape over her shoulder and he was massaging her. His thumbs rolled through the muscles on her shoulders, up her neck, into her scalp. _Oh._ She felt each of her muscles individually as they melted. She sighed, head bending down as she gave in.

"You know," Iron Bull said to break the silence. "In Qunlat, _'Ash'_ means 'to seek.' _'Ashkaari'_ means 'one who seeks' and it's the title we give to philosophers or scientists-- the 'knowledge seekers'. It's the title of the Qun's founder too. Ashkaari Koslun." 

Ash's brow furrowed in confusion. What was he saying? Her name was a word in his language?

"I think that your name fits you," he continued. "Ever since you got here, you haven't been still. You're always looking for something, even if you don't know what it is you're looking for. You don't rest, don't relax." He was still massaging her shoulders as he spoke, though now, he was beginning to rub on her upper arms. "You're fighting yourself all the damn time. I'm surprised you didn't burn out sooner."

Ash shrugged a little. "Me too," she said. She had to stifle a groan on her next breath when Iron Bull's thumbs rubbed a particularly sore spot on both her biceps. 

"So, yeah, I thought that maybe, you needed a push. But even after Vivienne talked to you, nothing changed." Ash stiffened at that. _Did he..._ Iron Bull snorted. "No, I didn't send Vivienne after you. That was all her. Besides, you really think she would take an order from me?" He laughed a short laugh. "After that though, you still didn't accept anything. Yeah, you _looked_ like you were okay, but you were still fighting yourself. Ignoring how you really felt. And that's _really_ not good. So, I stepped in. I gave you some space, some time to see if you would figure it out on your own. When you didn't, I pushed." He stopped massaging her then and tugged until she turned to face him. Iron Bull looked at her before sighing. "I was worried I had pushed you a little too far. But," he paused and she looked up from her hands. "You need to start letting go. There are things you can't control. You can't keep lying to yourself. To me."

"I'm sorry," she said again. He shook his head.

"You don't need to be," Bull said. "But ground rule number one: I will never lie to you-- never lie to me. I know when you are, trust me."

Ash could only nod. _He had been angry._ She understood.

His eye softened. "Look," he said. "I know you're scared. A lot of crap is happening to you and I can't really imagine what it feels like to wake up somewhere you know can't be real. But you can't let your fear control you. You have to let it go before it does. We're here to help. _I'm_ here to help. You sure as shit don't need to be scared of me. This goes as far as you want it to. No questions asked."

"I--" she started to say, paused, thought for a moment. Ash finally felt calmer. He... she didn't have the words to describe him. "And what... _is_ this exactly?"

Iron Bull reached to scratch behind one of his horns. He shrugged. "You tell me," he said.

Why must he be so cryptic? "Well," she said. "I...I'm interested in you." She blushed. "Obviously. You knew that. I just, don't understand. I don't understand why you're interested. Why you seem to care so much. Don't get me wrong. It--it's nice. Really nice." Ash fiddled with her hands. "But it's me. I'm not impressive. I'm not a good fighter. I'm a bundle of nerves almost all the time. And you..."

Iron Bull chuckled. "Nah, I'm not that great," he said. "And you're not that bad. Really." She didn't look up at him at this though. "Let's just say that right now, it's something we both need. It's a little early for thinking about 'beyond that'."

He...needed her? Ash looked up at him in surprise. She hadn't expected that. Nor had she expected him to say she needed him. Not that she could really argue that point. He somehow always just _knew._ She needed to vent her anger after she got here, and he let her. She had needed company before the battle in the Western Approach, and there he was. She needed to be pushed today, and he did. And oddly enough, being around him, talking to him felt _normal. Even though he's about seven feet tall, gray, and has horns._ She smiled wryly. "I didn't expect that."

He smirked. "We both need to relieve some tension once in a while. Nothing wrong with that." He looked at her with a glint in his eye. "There's a few more ways we could do that, you know."

Ash sputtered. She cleared her throat. "Well. Um. Y-yeah." _Idiot. I always sound like an idiot._ She looked at the window, blushing. _Oh. It's dark...I should...Get it together._ But did she really want to leave? Her thoughts went into a slightly different direction then and she almost leapt off the bed in the resulting embarrassment. "I, ah, should probably get back. Have to get up early, you know," she said and picked at her nails. "But, yes, I think that could, you know, be a good idea."

Iron Bull stood, his shadow falling over her. She instinctively took a couple steps back. "You're running again, Ash," he pointed out.

She shook her head. "Nope," she argued. "Just been a long day and I have to get up at dawn, you know. Believe me, I'm definitely a fan." Ash looked at him then. _Oh._ He walked closer, towered over her.

"A fan?" he asked and let out a bark of a laugh. "Yeah, I've caught the hints, but...I'm not sure you know what that means."

She looked at him incredulously. "Um, yes? I mean, I'm pretty sure I know the gist."

"See, you say that, but you _really_ don't know what that means."

She frowned at him. _Not my first time doing this. He doesn't really think that, right?_ She had a brief moment of internal conflict at voicing her concern. Then she opened her mouth to argue, "I think I can handle it." She let out a breathy laugh. It was just sex, right? Was she missing something?

In the next second, Iron Bull took another step towards her. She took another instinctive step back and realized she was against the wall. Before she could think, Bull had grabbed both of her wrists and pinned them above her head. Her back bowed, chest pushed slightly outwards.

Ash met his gaze and what she saw there made her heart skip. "Last chance," he said, low.

_Oh._

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, cliffhanger. (but guess what comes next! *coughcough*)  
> And remember, (I mentioned this earlier in the story) Ash never played through Bull's romance~~
> 
> BUUUT there ya go! I would apologize for the wait, but that's probably too little too late. Don't hate me! T.T  
> Life really, REALLY got crazy this past year, but now the dust is settling and the resulting fog-whiplash is lifting and I can write again. :) Right in time for the holidays, too.
> 
> But on the chapter: yes, it sort of (definitely) became angsty again. In my defense, I was reading back through previous chapters and I just wasn't happy at how cool with everything Ash was all of a sudden. Well, it felt sudden to me. Maybe I'm making something out of nothing, but eh. Comes with the territory. I want to try and focus on fleshing everything out (even if that means she's sad for a bit). 
> 
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> Lastly, please forgive any errors!! And any sudden-ness. I've been away for too long. Not just from this, but from all writing in general. Like I said, life was INSANE. So, please bear with me while I get my groove back! (>_


	18. Need Blood in the Cut

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I need noise_   
>  _I need the buzz of a sub_   
>  _Need the crack of a whip_   
>  _Need some blood in the cut."_
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> Young, innocent hearts: avert your eyes. Shit's about to get sexy. (there is nothing other than sex in this chapter). ^_^ Enjoy!~

"Last chance."

_Oh._

Ash swallowed as her world narrowed to focus on Iron Bull's face. Her body flushed, pupils dilating in response to his tone of voice. Her pulse beat a steady rhythm that matched her anticipation. It only increased when she switched her focus to her arms pinned above her in one of his hands. One of them. _God._

_Oh._

She wasn't a virgin, but Bull seemed to be promising something different than her average sexcapade. What, exactly, seemed to entail pinning her to things but beyond that, she had no idea. She only knew for certain that she _really_ wanted to find out the answer. 

"Yes," she said breathy. 

Bull grinned and his eyes flickered with a hint of promise. Without a word, he wrapped an arm around her waist, lifting her before his lips crushed her into a kiss. He kept her wrists locked together in one of his hands. Ash's back arched in an attempt to make some contact with his body. The restraint was maddening.

Bull chuckled. "Oh no wild-cat," he said and bit her lip. "Going to take my time."

Ash gulped again, breathless, and realized Bull had begun to back her onto the bed. _His_ bed. Her heartbeat quickened. Nervousness reared itself again. Eyes wide, Ash looked at Bull's face. _What exactly is he going to do? I've never..._ Bull's hand released her wrists and combed through her hair. He leaned down and kissed her once on the forehead before staring at her fixedly. She tried to work her face into a less wild expression, but couldn't seem to get anything to cooperate properly. She could feel the heat coming off her skin in waves.

"Easy," Bull said, hand in her hair. Ash leaned into it. "This goes as far as you want it to," he repeated. "Ground rules, just so everyone's clear. I will never hurt you without your permission," Ash started at that and Bull thumbed her cheek in response before continuing, "You will always be safe. If you're ever uncomfortable-- if you ever want me to stop, you say 'katoh' and it's over. No questions asked."

Odd that his clinical interpretation calmed her down as much as it did. Ash offered him a wry grin. "Should I be worried that you've got this down to a system?"

Bull grinned in return and shrugged. "Systems are comfortable. And my goal is to get you _very_ comfortable." Ash shivered.

She ducked her head, blushing and feeling abnormally shy even as she felt her body responding to the possibility of it all. It was an interesting contrast of emotions. The mattress dipped and Bull's hand lifted her chin back up. His eyebrow was raised in a silent question. She took a breath. Why fight it? She _wanted_. "Well?" she answered glibly, finding her pluck. "Are you all talk or do you plan on doing something?" Bull smiled and pushed her down, not entirely gently, and kept one hand on her chest. _Woof._

"What do you say if you want me to stop?"

Ash gave up on trying to stop her eyes from turning into saucers every time he said something. "Um," she said. "Katoh?"

His hand left her chest. He nodded. "Hands above your head."

Ash shivered again, stared, her mind went blank. Without warning, Bull's hand came down once on her thigh and the sound echoed through the room. Ash gasped. It wasn't hard enough to really hurt, but it succeeded in snapping her to attention.

"Hands above your head, Ash," he repeated firmly. She complied this time.

"When I ask you a question, you answer honestly," he continued. "When I give you an order, you follow. Clear?"

 _Oh dear god._ "Yes," Ash answered on a whisper. They hadn't even done anything yet and she was already overwhelmed. This was what he had meant in that tent in the approach. He had warned her; told her she didn't know what she was talking about. She groaned and shifted her legs on the mattress in an attempt at some sort of friction.

Bull whistled. "Gonna have to do something about that. Stay there." He stared at her. "Don't. Move." She felt the mattress shift as he walked to the other side of the room. She wanted so badly to lean up and watch what he was doing, but something in his voice stopped her. There was a promise there and she wasn't sure she was ready for whatever it meant. So, she lay back, closed her eyes, and waited. 

"I'm kinda disappointed," Bull rumbled from somewhere beside her. Ash opened her eyes again. "Thought you would try something." He winked. "I'm gonna have to try harder."

"Um," she said.

He chuckled darkly. Bull leaned down, one hand beside her head, and kissed her deeply. She pressed her chest up to his. She became increasingly focused on the hand that started to dig into her hip, clutching at the end of her tunic. He nipped her bottom lip, pulling it between his teeth and her hips snapped upwards. God, she needed to touch him. But that thought died quickly when he started to lift her tunic. The chill raced across her stomach, spurning her on. She moved to help him... _Thwack._ Ash gasped.

"Nope," he said. "Stay still wild-cat." Ash settled back when her heart skipped a beat. Slowly, ever so slowly, he drew the tunic up and over and then tossed it behind him. His eyes searched over her body half-lidded. She felt a flush creep across her skin and an appreciative noise from Bull as he realized she hadn't bothered with the breast band. Then one of his hands carefully slid up her side before his fingers pinched an already hardening nipple, rolling it between rough fingertips. Ash whined, balling her hands into fists impatiently. But Bull was taking his time-- he was unlacing her pants just as slowly as he had removed her tunic.

But he stopped after he untied the laces. Ash looked at him, forehead creased in part question and part annoyance. _What..._ The question died on her tongue when she realized what he was pulling from behind him, why he had gotten up earlier. Rope. She swallowed, swept away in a thrill that she didn't have a name for.

"Hands," he said. Ash blinked and then lifted her arms towards him, wrists together. He adjusted her arms so that her palms were facing each other before wrapping the length of rope around and between them. He tied one knot for each hand, then leaned over her shoulder to attach the ends to a bedpost. He slid a finger between the rope and her wrists, testing. "How does that feel?" he asked. "Feel all your fingers?"

Ash nodded. "I-I think it's good," she answered.

He smiled at her. "Good," he said before pulling on the rope. Her arms went above her head as a result. Bull leaned forward and, she assumed, tied the rope to keep her like that. Then his hands slid up her legs and she couldn't help but jump at the sudden contact. He slowly, like he did with the tunic, rolled her pants off her legs. Then Bull fell silent and stared, eyes unreadable. Ash could feel wetness dripping between her thighs as he did. She couldn't breathe. She squirmed.

His hands grabbed her thighs, pushing them apart. She whined again, keening. "Bull, please," she whispered.

He leaned over her, hovering. He kissed her once, then trailed down her chin, her neck, biting as he went. She tried to grab at him before being stopped by the ropes on her wrists. She felt him smile against her skin when she huffed. 

"It's fun when you get frustrated," he said.

"Yeah, yeah Tiny. If I wasn't--" she yelped as he bit down on her hip bone, thoughts evaporating.

"You were saying?" He licked the spot he bit, soothing. Ash moaned. She felt the heat building again. If he didn't _do_ something, anything, soon she was going to lose it. 

But then, Iron Bull slid one finger downward to tease at the wetness between her legs. Her eyes rolled backwards. Ash shuddered out a breath as he thrust that finger into her and moved it once, twice, but then it stilled. Ash bucked in protest, looking up at him.

“Go on,” he told her. “Move your hips.”

A shock coursed through Ash’s body at his command, and slowly, before he could correct her, Ash began to thrust herself onto his finger. Bull kept still; he only watched her face, eyes narrowed darkly. Ash closed her eyes, neck arching back further into the pillows and her hips moved faster, working herself.

Iron Bull withdrew his finger for a split second only to add another roughly. Ash hissed as she felt her body tense. Something inside her coiled and she clawed at the sheets. She bit her lip, legs muscles tightening, she was close, so---

Without warning, Iron Bull pulled his fingers away. Ash’s eyes snapped open to his, wide and desperate. She opened her mouth to speak, but before she found her voice, his hands grabbed her underneath her thighs and pulled her to wrap her legs around his waist. Her head slid down off the pillow and she stared, panting. She flinched when she felt the tip of him resting against her. Iron Bull was still for a moment before his fingers dug into the flesh of her thighs firmly and he surged his hips forward, strong and deep.

Ash couldn’t stop herself from crying out and her body lifted off the bed, bending into him. The pain of him fully inside her was almost too much. By no means was she a virgin, but Bull was…larger than what she was used to, in more ways than one. He let out a grunt and without giving her time to adjust, Iron Bull continued pumping his hips swiftly, twice more before stopping, then slowly and forcefully thrusting again until all of him was buried within her. Ash moaned, stars erupting in her eyelids. As she bent her head back a second time, Bull used his other hand to pinch her nipple sharply. She hissed through her teeth, her eyes locked with his.

“Keep your eyes open,” he said. Ash trembled at the force in his words.

Gods, she couldn’t take much more of this. She was losing sight of where the pain was ending and the pleasure began, only numbly aware of the rope pulling on her wrists. Bull took time to savor the long moments when he slowly pulled out only to slam lazily into her again and again, each time hitting her deeper. Her hips moved up in time with his, eyes staying locked with his. The prolonged eye contact only served to quicken her own pace, the heat making her frantic.

Bull chuckled. “Good girl,” he murmured before bending to her neck. He bit down softly on her pulse point, sucking her skin between his teeth. Her world exploded. Her nails dug into the skin on his chest and she cried out as her entire body clenched and released all at once. Her orgasm flooded through her body, electricity in its wake, skin raised in goose bumps. Iron Bull never once slowed, forcing her to ride it out fully.

He quickened his pace once more before letting out his own low moan. She felt him shudder inside her with his own release before he gave two more languid thrusts. He let go of her legs, only to rest on his elbows above her.

He pressed his lips on hers for a brief kiss, adding a nip at her bottom lip. Ash sighed when he turned to his side, stretching out next to her. She turned to look at him, eyelids heavy. She smirked contentedly.

"That wasn't so different," she teased as he began to rub her arm. "Don't know what you were talking about earlier. Just ropes? Here I thought--"

He barked a laugh, cutting her off. He grinned toothily. "That was a beginner's course," he said. "We've got all night."

Ash blinked. "Oh."

He sat up. Bull kissed her cheek, then pulled suddenly on the rope. Her arms, and upper body, were pulled up off the bed. He leaned into her, pressing his forehead to hers. Ash stilled, blushing.

"Ready?" he asked. 

Ash closed her eyes, smiling, and felt her body warm again. Her heart began pounding.

"Well?" she said. "You all talk or what?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay overtly cheesy ending!!
> 
> So, yes, this was relatively tame. 'Why the BDSM tag'? you ask. Well, my thinking is that Iron Bull knows what he's doing. So, yes, I kept this tame. Because Ash didn't know what to expect, because she was nervous and Iron Bull knew that. However, as things progress, they will DEFINITELY heat up. And fill out into that tag. (See: Slow Burn). :p
> 
> Anywho, thank you for reading and sorry for the delay! As is my go to excuse: life got away from me (hint: I am bad at adulting). Fun fact, I started writing this draft on January 30th. Hope you had fun with the first sex scene I've ever written, ever. Hopefully, it wasn't too bad?
> 
>  
> 
> I'm going to aim to release an update about every two weeks-three weeks (sometimes sooner). Just depends   
> on how my outside life goes. But I will not leave you hanging like I did that one dark, dark time. Promise.
> 
> As always, thoughts and comments are welcome!


	19. Like Real People Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluffity-fluff-fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have some fluff as a "thank you so much for reading and putting up with me never updating" :)

  


* * *

  


Ash woke to the rather incredible sensation of soreness being rubbed out of her shoulders. She grinned into her pillow, blushing slightly. She could get used to this. She stretched her legs and arms out dramatically and turned her head back to look at Bull.

"And a good morning to you too," she said, smiling. "Is this going to be an everyday thing? Please say yes."

Bull smiled. "If you're good," he said. Ash sighed and brought her arms to rest under her cheek.

"And if I'm not?" she mused and smirked.

 _Thwack._ She had fully expected that. This was a new form of flirting.

"Well, then," she said. Ash stretched once more. "I will endeavor to be on my best behavior." Bull had stopped massaging her shoulders and she twisted back to kiss him, quick and light. He laughed and ruffled her hair.

"You look good like this," he said. 

She raised an eyebrow. "With my hair in all directions?" she asked as she sat up and combed fingers through the knots.

Bull shook his head. "Nah," he stood, not offering any further explanation as he put on his pants. She raised her eyebrows higher.

"Feeling cryptic today are we?" she asked. "Off somewhere?"

Bull laughed. "Yeah, to eat," he said. He looked at her and winked. "You should too, after all that."

She blushed and her stomach growled simultaneously. She placed her feet on the floor. "Alright, alright, let me find my clothes." When Bull opened his mouth to speak after that, she stopped him with a look. "Don't even say it," she warned.

  


* * *

  


As they descended the stairs to the main floor of the tavern, they were greeted by a whistle. Ash immediately blushed. She might as well just have blushing as her default state if she was being honest with herself. Dorian, Varric, Sera, and Cole were gathered around one of the tables, plates of fruit, cheeses, and bread in front of them. Sera was grinning cheekily.

Bull sat down next to Varric. Ash sat opposite them in the open seat next to Dorian and rolled her eyes. "Good morning, Sera," she said dubiously. 

"Bet it is, yeah?" Sera responded. Ash chose to ignore her. She reached for some bread and took a bite. She realized at that moment that she was indeed hungry.

"Darling, you're positively glowing," Dorian said from beside her. Ash looked at him and raised an eyebrow. 

"I sincerely doubt that," Ash said around the bread in her mouth.

Dorian smirked and shook his head. "You look--"

"Like she had a good, long, hard--" Sera started. 

"Happy," Dorian said firmly and loudly. "You look happy, dear."

Ash hummed at that. "Well, having a good, long---"

Varric threw up his hands. "No, no, stop. I'm trying to eat." Sera was cackling. 

Ash winked. "...will do that to someone," she finished and popped a grape into her mouth.

"It's a good look for you," Dorian said. Bull winked at her from across the table. 

"Told you so," Bull said. 

Ash smiled, letting them slip into conversation. This wasn't so bad, she thought. She wasn't sure where the future was going to take her from this point, but perhaps that wouldn't be so bad. She didn't even know how much her being there was going to affect the outcome of everything. Vivienne was right again. She might as well make the most of it; own it. Syana trusted her, she could use that. To help. To change things about this world that she had lamented when she played through the game. Stroud would not have died in vain.

"Are you..." she heard. She looked to Dorian. He sounded incredulous. "Are you _humming_?"

Ash started, all eyes were on her. She coughed. _Apparently._ She opened her mouth to speak.

"The song spun silken through fingers, lips. Silver cords singing, soft. Smiling, private," Cole looked at her. "Your voice is pretty," he said finally. 

_Oh no._ "You sing Ghost?" Varric said, a glint in his eye. "Oh this I need to see." Ash groaned. No doubt he would write all this down later. No telling what he had already. Her life was more than likely turning into a story for him, she realized shaking her head. She would have to remember that.

"I did," Ash said. "Back in my world. But there was an instrument there that I don't think you guys have here." At their questioning looks she continued, " A guitar. It was roughly this big." She held her hands to either side of her lap. "The base was hollow wood and there were six strings attached to a long neck. Kind of like a lute? But shaped differently and different sounding. Earthy." 

"Like this?" asked Cole. Ash turned around. _When did he..._ She went wide-eyed. He held what looked like a guitar in his hands, looking at her hopefully. But that couldn't... She gaped at him. How...where...She hadn't even noticed him leaving. _How does he do that?_

"Cole where..." she finally managed, staring at the...guitar. It was darker in color, similar to some kind of cherry wood. But it had all the parts. She counted the strings, looked up the neck towards the tuning keys. They were separate pieces of wood, not as smooth as they would be back home, but they obviously served the same purpose. She couldn't help wondering how it would sound.

"I borrowed it from Josephine," Cole answered. "It's lonely." Ash raised an eyebrow. The guitar was lonely. Well. She didn't really want to know what other emotions it had. That was a slippery slope. Cole held it out to her expectantly. "I'll give it back," he said helpfully. Ash hesitated, overcome with shyness suddenly.

"Come on, it won't bite," Dorian teased.

Sera snickered. "She'd probably like tha'." 

Ash rolled her eyes, taking the guitar from Cole and pushing back from the table to allow enough room. "It's been a while," she muttered. Dorian elbowed her side.

"Excuses, excuses," he said. "Come now, we're being so patient and all." Ash huffed. She looked at Bull. He grinned at her encouragingly. Ash felt butterflies erupt in her stomach. Well. She turned her attention to the guitar in her lap, strumming it experimentally. It was out of tune. She hummed as she fiddled with the tuning keys. The tavern faded out of view. She was lost in the familiarity of her actions, her shoulders settling comfortably. 

"What's this?" she heard a melodic voice ask from the head of the table. Syana was looking at her with her eyes crinkled at the corners. Solas stood slightly behind her, head tilted in that curious way of his. Ash smiled wryly.

"I've been demanded to play," she said good humoredly.

Syana took a seat and Solas followed her. She had arched a delicate brow, eyes twinkling.

"They have Rivaini instruments in your world?" Solas asked. Ash snorted. She had finished tuning and let the guitar settle in her lap.

"In my world, this instrument came from a country called Spain," she said. Ash relented. "Though I suppose Spain is similar to Rivain, from what I know. The names even rhyme."

Varric had leaned forward and Ash could see the pen moving in his head. "You know you're going to have to spill on this world of yours one of these days," he told her. Ash shook her head.

"I told you, I can't tell you too much," she answered. "I don't even want to think of the consequences."

"Oh come on," Varric said. "You can't dangle something like that in front of me and not deliver. What's the worst that could happen?" Ash sighed. He had a point. It's not like any of them could really do anything with the information, save try and make some of the devices. And that could take years. She would skip over guns and weapons and whatnot. She would also just have to be careful and make sure they never found out about video games. Easy enough, probably.

Dorian huffed. "We'll have time for that later," he said impatiently. "You _were_ planning on actually playing something, yes?"

She was struck by the same shy feeling she had earlier. She coughed. "W-well, I guess," she said. "Though I warn you, I'm not that great so don't expect much. I only played for friends back home."

"You wound me," Dorian exclaimed and placed a hand dramatically on his chest. "Here I thought _we_ were your friends."

"Oh shush you," Ash said. "That's not what I meant." She was smiling. She felt the shyness fall back away from her. She glanced at them briefly. Dorian, Syana, and Varric were watching expectantly. Sera was pretending terribly to not be interested. Cole had his hands under his chin and was smiling a small, sweet smile that made her chest ache. Solas looked, well, like Solas. And Bull was openly grinning, his arms folded over his chest. She took a breath, looked down at the guitar, and thought about what to play for a moment. Her fingers danced quietly over the frets. Then it hit her.

"Alright, alright," she said. "Shut up then." She started to play, the notes falling hesitantly from her. She wouldn't have the backup chorus of this particular song, but she could make do. The buzz of the tavern was at her back, but their table was quiet, listening. She closed her eyes. The first few notes she plucked were careful. She stumbled over a couple before finding her rhythm. Once she did, she smiled and took her first breath to sing. 

_I had a thought, dear_  
_However scary_  
_About that night_  
_The bugs and the dirt_  
_Why were you digging?_  
_What did you bury_  
_Before those hands pulled me_  
_From the earth?_  


She felt a hush, but ignored it, continuing to play. Her voice had started quietly, but soon she chased the song. Her voice rose in the pursuit, confident and clear.

 _I will not ask you where you came from_  
_I will not ask and neither should you_  


Ash was letting it fall from her like water. 

_Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips_  
_We should just kiss like real people do_  


She was thinking about her time here, away from home. She was thinking about Bull. These were the thoughts she hadn't had the words for. She could hug Cole right about now. Her fingers were aching on the strings. Her callouses were softer than usual, it had been a while since she last played. But the music was her friend and it had never left her.

 _I knew that look dear_  
_Eyes always seeking_  
_Was there in someone_  
_That dug long ago_  
_So I will not ask you_  
_Why you were creeping_  
_In some sad way I already know_  


Ash looked up then, her eyes meeting Bull's. He was staring straight back at her and the look on his face...Ash gasped, a whisper of an inhale of a breath. He looked so _gentle._ Like she was the only person in the room. She closed her eyes again, committing that look to memory. She was struck. The next words she sang to him.

 _I will not ask you where you came from_  
_I would not ask and neither would you_  
_Honey just put your sweet lips on my lips_  
_We should just kiss like real people do_  


She went on, finishing the song with the last repeat of the chorus and the last strumming of the guitar. When she stopped, she took a moment before opening her eyes. The tavern had fallen quiet, she realized. She looked up at their faces. They were looking at her with various expressions of wonder and shock and smiles. Ash blushed furiously, realizing the entire tavern had heard her. After a moment, she heard a whistle and some scattered light applause. She looked to see the chargers watching her as well. They looked happy, even Skinner was smiling. Varric chuckled. She turned to look at him.

"You weren't being honest with us, Ghost," he said. 

Dorian clapped her shoulder. "Darling," he said. "That. Was. Fantastic!" He was grinning wide, a finger on his chin. "You have a spark in you after all."

Ash's blush deepened.

"N-no," she said. She was avoiding looking Bull's face. The realization of what the lyrics were and what the song was about all too suddenly clear and stark. "It wasn't--"

Syana cut her off. "You have a talent, there," she said and winked. 

"Indeed," said Solas. "That was unique." Well. Ash supposed that was a compliment, coming from him.

"Will you sing for us more?" Cole asked. Ash looked to him and he was gazing openly at her. "The songs help." There was an implication in those last words that the music didn't just help her. Ash caught it and looked cautiously back to Bull. That same look from earlier was still on his face, his good eye crinkled softly. She felt warm suddenly. She would do anything to keep him looking at her like that.

"That wouldn't be a bad idea," Bull said, rumbling. "Good way to blow off steam." He winked. Ash laughed. 

"I agree," Syana said. "We could even charge for the privilege."

"And put poor Maryden out of a job?" Ash said. "No thanks."

"Well you can't just sing once and be done with it," Dorian said. "We are friends aren't we?"

Ash sighed, playing up the drama. "Alright," she said exaggerating annoyance. "I suppose I'll never hear the end of it if I don't." She held up a finger. "But. Only when I feel like it. I will not take requests. And I don't want people being charged for it. Deal?"

"That's my girl," said Dorian and put a companionable arm around her shoulder. Bull chuckled.

"Careful there, Sparkler," Varric cautioned lightly. His eyes were glinting with humor.

Ash rolled her eyes and kissed Dorian on the cheek, while making eye contact with Bull. He narrowed his eye, but he was smiling. He obviously knew.

Sera guffawed. "You'll be payin' for that later, I bet," she said and looked at Bull. "With a big--"

"We get it Sera," Syana said laughing. "Now if you don't mind, I would like to eat breakfast?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **I edited the guitar to be rivaini instead of antivan; I always get those two mixed up on which countries they're based on -_-'**  
> So hope you liked it! I thought that since Spain=Rivain and early guitars came out of Spain, it wouldn't be too much of a stretch for there to be a similar instrument in Thedas. All credit for the lyrics goes to Hozier. If you haven't listened to them/the song, I highly recommend it.  
> I think this one in particular is beautiful. It's honestly what I had in my head when I was thinking about plotting out Ash's and Bull's relationships. It sums them both up perfectly.  
> I'm not going to make any promises about updating. I am going to do my best to get this finished, if only to finish what I've started. To be honest, life has been rough for the past year or so and writing kind of got away from me (which means that I stopped completely). But! Here's hoping that I can keep it up!  
>   
> And thank you, thank you, so so much for your support and your love. It really amazes me and is honestly what has motivated me to even keep pounding away at this keyboard. It means a lot. So, again, thank you!  
> Happy Monday! As always, thoughts and comments are welcome and appreciated.


	21. Announcement!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **The first 6 chapters have been edited and re-posted!**
> 
> TL:DR: I'm having second thoughts/embarrassment about what I've previously written. I'm thinking about editing.

Hello readers!

So. I'm thinking that I might spend the next couple weeks editing previous chapters before releasing the next one. The first reason for this is that when I started writing this story, Trespasser had not been released. Now that it has, I need to make sure the story deals with that consistently.

The second reason is that I'm not entirely happy with Ash's character and how the Inquisition dealt with her arrival. I don't want to change it completely, but I do feel the need to include more details, more emotions and such. I'm actually kind of embarrassed at how ~~she is bordering being a Mary Sue~~ her emotions are not as deep and fleshed out as they could be. This also goes for some of the companions' reactions to her. So, as I go back through I'm going to (hopefully) change things for the better. After this is done, I'll post something to let you guys know it's been edited. 

But! I am looking for anyone's thoughts and input on this. I am open to constructive criticism/feedback. In fact, I kind of need it, XD. So...thoughts? Concerns? Let me know!


End file.
